House of Cards Contributions Log

Remembrances

posted by Blake at 03:23 PM, March 09, 2004 | Filed under : Fiction | Comments and Followups

A Rebman period of mourning…

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
and it won’t leave me alone.

Her fingers fumbled at the clasp of the bracelet, her fingers unwilling to cooperate as she tried to work the delicate metal filigree. As she lost the grip once again, she yelled explosively, hurled the bracelet away. Her breathing was ragged as she fought to control her emotions, knew that she could not behave like this in front of the others. They would be expecting her to be strong. He would have expected her to be strong.

Rilsa looked up at the powdered mirror, studied her reflection critically. “Not the best I’ve looked.” she said quietly, tucked a strand of hair back into place. She sighed as she lifted the jewelry box lid, looked for a more suitable item. As she picked through the chains, her fingers touched upon a heavy silver band and she drew it forth reluctantly. She had forgotten she still had it. He had given it to her - the first time they had been together. The ambassador’s dance for the yearly change of the Seaward kingdoms. Years ago.

“You had to be there.” she whispered, looked back to the mirror, imagined Eric’s face. Her heart tugged as she formed the image in her mind, remembered how he looked when she saw him last. “You couldn’t have sent another in your place? No. Even if there had been another available, you would not have permitted.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Eric said. Rilsa heard the voice in her mind, her memory giving to her now what reality had taken. “You know why too.”

“The King must lead by example.” Rilsa said. “A good ruler does not command. They do not order. They persuade by their actions. They show to their people the proper way to live. The ruled give their consent to their rulers, even if unconsciously. Such are the lessons of rulership that you learned.”

“As we both learned, my love.” Eric said.

“I know.” she said simply. “And now I must be the example for my children. For our son. I must be strong and dutiful for our son because he knows nothing else. Because he would not understand anything else. We taught him so well.”

“We did the best we could.” Eric said, his voice gentle with a hint of sadness. “Which would you have preferred? A pawn to be bartered at another’s convenience. Or a leader who can define his own destiny on his own terms?”

“You know how I feel.” Rilsa countered. “It does not mean that I could not hope for a third alternative. It will be a lonely life for him. We are always presented with two choices in life and none of them are ever palatable it seems. I grow tired sometimes of having to choose the lesser of two evils.”

“I know. But he will also need to make those choices. Or come up with new choices on his own. At least he can do that now.” Eric said. “I wish I could be there for you.”

“I wish it as well. I wonder now if perhaps you did not make a choice between evils on Kolvir.” Rilsa whispered, waited as the voice inside remained silent. “Damn you.”

****

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

“Unicorn be damned, how do you stomach that woman?” Eric growled as he stormed into the apartment, removed the sword belt before he threw himself onto the chaisse.

Rilsa followed more leisurely, a subtle smile on her face as she watched Eric fume. “Lady Clarity does take a bit of time to get to know. I would have thought you would be used to aggressive women after the way Drusilla tried her drunken moves on you at first.”

“Drusilla was never important enough to have to care about.” Eric replied. “She’s always been…what was that word you used?”

“A squige.” Rilsa said, wagged her finger as Eric started to put his feet up on the table. He scowled a moment but complied, put his feet back on the floor. “The Tritons speak little but when they do it can be very provocative.

“A squige.” Eric repeated with a slight smile. “What an absolutely unpleasant term. You don’t even have to know what it means to know it’s nasty.”

“Drusilla is that and much more though never stupid.” Rilsa said, began to remove her jewelry as she moved sedately to the bedroom door. She looked around curiously, made sure none of the servants were still skulking around. “I suppose we should be grateful she never got her hooks into Martin. That would have been very bad.”

“I’d never wish that on anyone. Certainly not on that young man.” Eric said, watched as Rilsa moved into the bedroom to undress. “He would seem to have too many smarts to have gotten caught on that hook thankfully.”

“He was smart enough to vanish as soon as he had the chance.” Rilsa commented, placed the gown on the dress rack, picked up the sleeping robe. “Mother was quite displeased at that. Speaking of her, how did your discussion go? I gather not well.”

Eric shook his head. “If she knows where he is, she’s not saying anything. I don’t think she does. I think that if he comes back, she might consider my proposal but it’s unlikely. From what I’m gathering she’s got other plans for Martin. Not that he wouldn’t be a good choice for Cambina. Certainly a better choice than some of the young bucks I’ve had to scare off in the past.”

“Cambina’s a grown woman.” Rilsa said, belted the robe loosely before she came back into the room. “She can make her own choices as to who’s acceptable.”

“For a lover yes. Not a husband.” Eric countered. “That narrows the playing field considerably. And I don’t recall you being so concerned when we both agreed to limit Jerod’s contact with Carina. He’s a grown man after all. Marriage should be his choice if we follow your line.”

“I think it sounds like a father jealous of the attentions his daughter is receiving. Such a male response.” Rilsa said teasingly, ignored his response as she sauntered over to Eric’s chair, climbed onto his lap. “I wouldn’t have expected that from you.” and she pouted.

“I’d spank you for that if you didn’t enjoy it so much.” Eric said, smiled as he held her in place, let her kiss him deeply.

“That never stopped you in that past.” she said after the kiss was broken. “But you’re a bit over-dressed right now I think.”

“I suppose we could see about me getting my boots off.” Eric said, then stopped. “That’s not where my boots are, love.”

Rilsa smiled as she kissed him. “Details, love. Details…”

****

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
But now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

“So he was pleased, was he?” Loreena asked, adjusted the pillow for Rilsa as she laid back, the ordeal of birthing over for the day now past.

“You saw him when you came in.” Rilsa replied with a tired smile. “He could not have been happier. He has a son.”

“Where is he now?” Loreena inquired.

Rilsa motioned to the outer foyer door. “He is meeting with a group from the Court who are offering their congratulations. He offered to intercept them to give me some time to relax before the inevitable crush of well-wishing toadies arrived.”

“He’ll have a chance to boast.” Loreena said snidely. “A son to carry on the line. Very male of him, wouldn’t you say?”

“And how is that different from our way of thinking? Strong daughters for strong mothers. Boys accepted as good members of the family to…round out the family, to keep balance. Be thankful he is a male. Another sister, especially from Eric, is the last kind of competition you want here. Even with his disadvantages, Jerod is going to make a formidable rival as a sibling.” Rilsa said, looked critically at her youngest daughter. “You need to go to Amber a few more times I think.”

“Why? Father’s business is in very capable hands.” Loreena said, looked over at Valeria as she held the new boy. “Valeria takes care of that side of things quite well.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Rilsa said, the instructional tone in her voice evident. “You lack the privilege of being allowed to be insular. Especially now. Your brother is going to be placing many more burdens upon our positions than we might care for.” she said, motioned to her newborn son before continuing.

“The Queen is going to become more involved now that he is here. I’m sure part of her would have preferred another daughter for me, but a son brings advantage as well. Even if she must contend with allowing Eric greater access to Rebma. That means you must have a better understanding of how things work there. Your role in support of the Queen does not permit you the luxury of ignorance, no matter how much any of us might prefer it.”

“She could always refuse Eric entry.” Valeria joked, stopped when she saw Rilsa’s expression. “Okay, bad joke. But it begs me to ask why Eric didn’t want him in Amber.”

“Eric wants him raised here.” Rilsa replied.

“Why?” Loreena frowned, curious.

Rilsa smiled. “That is between Eric and myself. I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure out the reasons so I won’t go into them. And if you are not, it will be good practice for you.”

Loreena nodded. “What Triton has been selected for him?”

“There will be no Triton.” Rilsa said simply.

Loreena looks at Rilsa puzzled. “No Triton? He’s a member of the royal family. He’s at risk without protection.”

“Eric has made it clear he wants no Triton for his son. Clear enough that he said so in the presence of the Queen’s Court and in such a way as to make it clear that he would be very displeased if his wishes on this matter were to be defied.”

“The Queen should refuse him. He had the audacity to make an affront to her position.” Loreena said testily.

Rilsa scowled, annoyed at Loreena for letting her pride interfere with her vision. “The Queen could also risk his wrath. One tempts the anger of the Princes at their own convenience and always with their lives. Especially where the sons of Princes are concerned. But the Queen was not insulted. She would have demanded the same for one of her own. The Court functionaries might have their fragile egos bruised but she did not.” She paused for a moment to grimace, a momentary muscle spasm that soon passed.

“I had spoken to the Queen already concerning this and she knew what Eric would say because I agreed with his reasons and added my voice privately to his. He was also willing to be gracious on a few points concerning the selection of tutors and the like. A fair exchange for each of our positions.”

“So Eric said it to make a statement.” Loreena said, watched as Rilsa nodded. “He was putting the listeners on notice.”

Rilsa smiled, mollified that her daughter was using her intelligence again. “Exactly. Some might consider Eric’s youngling to be a valuable target. Eric makes it clear that even considering such is sufficient to warrant death. By publically denying a Triton’s protection, there is no fallback excuse if something happens to Jerod. Rebma cannot blame the Tritons or offer up a convenient scapegoat. It alone must bear responsibility and suffer the consequences. The sharks are smart enough to realize the dangers and wait until Jerod is older. When he is able to make his own decisions, then they will try for him.”

Loreena nodded, then paused. “So there’s not a lot of time.”

“No, there is not. He will go above the waves when he is eighteen. The sharks will not have their prize.” Rilsa said, suddenly very needy. She motioned for Valeria to bring her newborn son to her, cradled him as he slept. “Can I have a few minutes?”

Valeria nodded, touched Loreena’s arm as they both rose from the bed to make their way out of the room.

Rilsa looked down at Jerod, eyes clamped shut with newborn chubbiness. “I love you my son.” she whispered. “Know this now for when I cannot speak it to you in the future. I will always love you. You are your father’s son, and you are your mother’s son. I see you in all your glory, destined for greatness. Be not sad when you walk amongst men for you are not alone when you feel you are. You will always have a place here. It is your mother that swears this.”

****

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

“It will be a good opportunity for him. The Seaward trade run only takes a month..” Rilsa said, unhappy with the turn of the conversation. She had hoped to be able to bring it up gently. But Eric must have received some advance warning. That damn ambassador and his staff again.

“The new Bellum contingent will be in Amber during that period. They’re bringing one of their old military advisors along, a vacation in honor of the old man’s service to the kingdom. I want Jerod to be able to meet him. He won’t get the opportunity again.” Eric explained.

Rilsa shook her head. “We had both agreed that during these periods that Jerod would focus on the Seaward side of activities.”

Eric turned and moved to his a chair to sit, frowned as she looked at him in profile. “We can compromise occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“In this case I don’t see what there is to compromise.” Rilsa replied, exasperated. “Jerod can make the trip to Bellum afterwards. He can lead a delegation and meet the old man at the same time. I don’t see why we’re having to fight about this.”

“We’re not fighting…” Eric said.

“We are fighting…” Rilsa countered.

“No, we’re not!” Eric said forcefully, stopped to breathe. “I’m sorry. You’re right. We are fighting.” He got up from the chair, walked over to the window to look out. “Let’s just…take a break, okay? I don’t want to fight. Not with you. Anyone else is fine. But not you. It doesn’t feel right.”

Rilsa nodded again, studied Eric for a moment as he rubbed his face. “What else is wrong?” she asked, rose from her chair to approach.

“It’s nothing.” Eric said, watched as Rilsa frowned at him. After a moment, his expression replied in kind. “I never could hide stuff from you.”

Rilsa offered a gentle smile. “Nor could I from you. It’s why it was so right to become lovers. That way…”

“…our secrets stay ours.” Eric replied, quoted Rilsa’s own words back to her after all those years. He opened up his arms as she moved closer, hugged her to him.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“He may be returning.” Eric said.

“I thought he had no memories.” Rilsa said.

Eric nodded. “That’s what we thought. Flora was watching him. But there was an accident. He may be remembering.”

“And you think he’ll be returning for you.” she asked, a tug of worry picked at her.

“It’s possible.” Eric said.

“Does he know about Jerod.” she asked, recognized part of the fear that lay within.

Eric shook his head. “Corwin’s been gone too long. Just to be on the safe side, Jerod’s going to be doing some travelling until we figure out what’s going on. Don’t be surprised if I send him down here soon for some totally nonsensical but indepth Court functions. I doubt it will be necessary. Corwin’s going to be looking for me, not my kids.”

Rilsa thought for a moment. “Jerod doesn’t know?”

Eric shook his head again. “He’s heard the stories of his uncle but doesn’t know he’s alive. That might change in the future. I’m trying to figure out how I’ll explain that one. It’ll be okay though.”

“I hope so.” Rilsa added.

“You’re not afraid are you?” Eric inquired.

Rilsa looked up at him, not liking the options this latest bit of news placed before her. But she was not one to fear what life gave to its players, no matter how distasteful. “It’s not what I would like to have to deal with right now. A war of brothers is not conducive to peace. Nor is it good for the woman who might care for one of them. I’ve never looked good wearing the shimmering of mourning.”

“There will be no shimmering for you.” Eric said. “I always was better than Corwin and I still am. He’s isolated whereas I’ve been able to gather support.”

“Deirdre could still be a problem.” Rilsa noted.

Eric smiled. “Not to worry. That will be dealt with soon enough.”

She nodded, paused. “Are you leaving soon?”

“I was looking to leave tonight.” Eric said. “Why?”

She smiled. “Stay. For tonight. I’d rather not be alone.”

He returned the smile with a kiss. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

****

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

“Mother?” Jerod asked stood at the door to her apartment, watched as she turned from the mirror where she had been sitting. “It’s time to be going. Valeria and Loreena are waiting.”

Rilsa turned from the mirror, looked at her son dressed in his black and silver Court uniform. A uniform of mourning and sadness this day. A hundred times she had seen him wear it and each time she could read him though his outward appearance never changed. She suddenly felt very sad, seeing the armor layered upon him emotionally. She had been right. They had trained him well. To be strong and proud, to be an example to others, to lead thusly. But without anyone being able to touch him. It would be a lonely life.

“Let us be going then.” she said, putting on the heavy silver bracelet as she rose and walked to the door. Jerod put a hand out to stop her before she left. “How are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” Rilsa asked.

Jerod motioned to the door. “I was watching you for a moment when I came in. You were just staring at the mirror.”

Rilsa looked back at the mirror. “I was remembering your father. It is hard to believe he is gone.”

Jerod nodded. “I know. I have trouble focussing on it sometimes. I still expect to see him at the castle.” he said, his expression sad.

“I know. I sometimes wonder why he has not sent me a letter recently. But it does not matter. What is important is that we say our goodbyes and move on. We need to be strong Jerod.” Rilsa said, took a breath.

Jerod frowned. “For the people, not for us mother.”

Rilsa looked at Jerod for a moment. “Why would you say that?”

“Because we’re not the crowd. The face we put on for them doesn’t have to be the one we are.” Jerod replied. “I know why we would do it for the masses. They want security and benevolence and a magic pill to swallow each night that takes away their fears. But they’re not family. I don’t want that lie from family. Neither would dad.”

Rilsa looked up at Jerod for a moment, briefly smiled. “Perhaps a third alternative then.”

“A third alternative?” Jerod asked curiously.

Rilsa smiled fully now as she kissed his cheek. “A mother’s hope is all. Come, we must not keep your sisters waiting.”

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