Shawn Richter dropped me an email after seeing my weekly NCRL Quick Reviews (and no doubt being awed by the awesome contribution to comic book criticism and analysis that they are). Shawn is the artist for One Last Song, a miniseries that he seems to be self-publishing along with writer CJ Hurtt (at least, I could find no publisher info). This was a couple weeks ago -- sorry, my work schedule has been brutal -- but Shawn asked me to take a look, which I am pleased to do (not the least of which because it gives me the opportunity to check out and draw attention to a non-Marvel/DC/Image/Dark Horse, non-superhero work -- and one that isn't manga!). I encourage you all to check it out, before or after you read my scintillating review.
Incidentally, if anyone wants something reviewed I'm happy to do it, as most of the Curmudgeons would be, I'm sure. Although, in my case at least, the more lead time the better. So let's get to it.
First of all, let me acknowledge that CJ and Shawn have indeed created an actual comic book -- I'm not being snide here, that's no mean feat. Many (I would guess most) of the people writing for this site or reading it have, at one time or another and to varying degrees, held aspirations of becoming a comics creator of some sort, and most of us have never done it. It's hard work. Working on a comic book and actually finishing it, let alone publishing it, deserves high praise. In all seriousness and with much respect, I salute you. This is a real comic book.
One Last Song, alas, is not very good. It's not jaw-droppingly awful by any stretch, but it is somewhat amateurish and not as engaging as it could be. I don't want to be Mean Critic Guy, but I gotta call 'em like I see 'em. It's a C-minus.
One Last Song is set in a dystopic near-future where the Department of Homeland Security is in full-on Big Brother mode, spying on Americans, murdering independent-minded journalists, and so forth. Our hero is Amanda, a singer-guitarist who has connections to at least one counter-media person, a fellow named Brian (who apparently spends his time monitoring number station broadcasts -- I don't really get what's going on here, but I like number stations, so that's cool). A DHS agent named Warnick (um, the antithesis of "peacenik," I guess?) stalks Amanda at the beginning of the issue, although Amanda is able to give him the slip -- either she has leet ninja skillz or Warnick is not the swiftest agent on the block.
Amanda hooks up with Brian and asks him if he has any song ideas, and he tells her about tax dollars being funneled to the South American coffers of a dictator named Juarez (no doubt named after the awesome Better Than Ezra song). We shortly see Amanda sitting at a desk somewhere reading over a file folder of handwritten notes about the situation. It's not clear if Amanda is "just" a protest singer or if she's some sort of trained agent of dissent or what. For that matter, I had a hard time reading the cursive writing of the notes she was given, so I don't really know what they say.
Meanwhile, the lurking-in-a-dark-conference-room government bad guys, presumably all DHS although this is not clear, discuss something called "Operation Teardrop." More dissenter, counter-media types are tortured, targeted, and killed. I'm not sure if that's all there is to Operation Teardrop (kind of disappointing if that's all it is), but the impression given is that it's something more -- although that's assumption at this point. Finally, we see a newspaper headline declaring, "Terrorist Attack on U.S. by Enemies Imminent -- Say Experts." Proximity suggests that Operation Teardrop has something to do with this, although you have to wonder why this would be a big headline -- even in our reality warnings of possible terror threats have become de rigueur. Without context, without showing us why this threat would be taken more seriously, it seems off to me.
Overall it is indeed a narrative comic book, but one whose storytelling feels inexperienced. Fake government "rat out your neighbor" ads provide some context, but Photoshop versions of such PSAs (some of them very clever and very nicely done) have been circulating online for years now so there's nothing interesting or really entertaining about them here. Nothing else provides context or a means for getting into the narrative flow of the story. There's no exposition via dialogue, thought balloon, or text caption (there's a little bit of the "Writer has forgotten he's writing a comic book and not a movie or TV show" Syndrome here). The heroine doesn't really do anything the whole story (except for ditching a not-very-slick agent).
The issue moves quickly, but it's a series of fragments with no flow and little narrative pull to draw you through them. Here's Amanda. Here are some vague government bad guys. Here are people panicking and buying survival supplies at a Wal-Mart-type store, although why they're worked up now is never explained. Names are used in a haphazard fashion (we don't learn Amanda's name until page seven). Too many snippets, not enough cohesion, especially with the use of the bad guys.
A lot of stuff happens but it's a not a true story. Every issue should be a story, even if it's part of a larger story arc. There should be a status quo established at the beginning of the issue -- this is the current situation, and here's the problem with it. The beginning should also raise some expectations for how the issue will play out, how the problem will be impacted if not solved, by the end of the issue. The bulk of the issue should be the middle, in which the hero or heroes (protagonist or protagonists if you have a problem with the term "hero") are tested and challenged in some fashion. Events in the middle should spin the action toward the climax of the issue, and the spin should alter (slightly or greatly) our expectations from the beginning -- in other words, how the issue ends up playing out should be different from our expectations as set up by the beginning. We should be surprised in some fashion -- and if we're not fully surprised, we should at least be pleasantly entertained by the specifics of how things turn out. And then of course the issue needs a climax that irrevocably alters the situation, the status quo, from where the issue began, a little bit or a lot. If the issue is part of a larger arc, then it sets up the situation for the beginning of the next issue. A climax is action or revelation, or, best of all, a combination of both.
The first issue of One Last Song does not do this. Characters are introduced, mostly in a fragmentary, non-memorable fashion. Other than the general paranoid anti-government dystopia, there's no specific wrongness for the hero to deal with (nor is it clear how the hero can be expected to deal with any wrogness anyway -- after all, even Bob Dylan didn't bring down Nixon), only a hint that a specific wrongness may be coming in the form of Operation Teardrop. The villains aren't menacing or credible (of course government conspiracy agents can kill normal citizens -- so what?). The hero isn't challenged or tested in any fashion in the middle (the bad guys just kill some characters we don't know enough about to really care), and there's no climax -- no action or revelation at the end, and no indication that the status quo is different at the end of the issue than it was at the beginning -- given the way they're portrayed, the only logical assumption is that the government captures and unconstitutionally holds or murders dissidents all the time (indeed, Amanda and Brian pretty much confirm this).
A couple of final notes on the writing. First, one of the not-very-memorable-or-distinct villains makes a reference to Heart of Darkness, and then has the character making the reference explain the reference. Please don't do that. Dropping references is fine, but don't explain them or point them out (unless there is a damn good narrative reason to do so, and there's not here). It just feels like the writer trying to point out how clever he is, and that always costs you Goodwill Points with the audience.
Second, if you're going to write a story about a guitar-playing-singer, you have to show the character actually, well, singing, and that means you're going to have to write some songs and not just a lyrical snippet or two. Personally, I wouldn't want to do this because songwriting is freaking hard, but if you're going to write a singer character who runs around with a guitar all the time, you're gonna have to deliver the goods (and not open the comic with the singer hero saying "Thank you very much" and ending her set -- that is nine worlds of weak). By the way, you'll notice that I haven't referred to the character as a "folk singer" (although that's the implication) because we're never given any indication of what kind of singer or songwriter she is (other than the fact that she doesn't like the DHS and the government and fears her performances will bring them down on her, so we may conclude she's some sort of protest singer). But she might actually be a blues singer, or a country singer, or do an acoustic guitar hip-hop thing for all we know. We don't know because the sorts of details about the hero (and the villains, for that matter) that would create greater verisimilitude and draw us into the story aren't delivered.
Finally, some notes on the artwork. Overall not bad -- Shawn's got the basics down and can draw -- but still amateurish. There are some problems with proportion and, especially volume (I would highly, highly, highly recommend Shawn get a copy of Glenn Vilppu's Vilppu Drawing Manual and work through all the exercises therein). There are also a few perspective miscues here and there, but nothing egregious and experience will take care of those in time. Shawn does a good job with conveying the moods and emotions called for throughout the work, which is nice to see.
My biggest complaint would be that the art is generally very stiff and feels "pinched." It's too tight, and would be much better if it were looser and a little sloppier. Draw with the whole arm and not the wrist, as my instructors used to say. Toward that end, the pencils would be much better served by brush inking and less pen. Okay, learning to use the brush is hard and takes time, but even sloppy brushwork here would give the art some energy and dynamism it is currently sorely lacking. If brushwork isn't an option for whatever reason, then you could go the Howard Chaykin route and use markers of varying thickness and use them in a loose, sketchier fashion. Aside from the energy problem, which this would help with, there simply isn't enough variation in line thickness here, which causes the artwork to blend together and makes it difficult to visually scan.
There's also a tendency to frame panels too often at a medium "distance" when nothing dramatic or visually interesting enough is happening to warrant these full-body and three-quarter-body shots. Shawn does use a variety of distances in his panels (and a variety of angles and perspectives, which is nice to see), but there's little logic to their use in terms of trying to draw in the reader or lead them through the narrative (at least to me). I would suggest studying the work of the young Frank Miller, who was both really loose and very dynamic (and was inked that way), and did some of the same things I think Shawn is trying to do here with his panel framing and angles.
In conclusion, CH and Shawn should not be embarrassed by this effort (which I am assuming is their first or close to it). They've gotten into the game, which is more than half the battle. But I hope they'll pay attention to whatever criticism they receive and not be demoralized by it, instead learning what they can from it as they continue to grow and improve their craft. They've got a lot of room for improvement, but I think they both have the skill and potential to produce professional quality work in the future.
As for One Last Song, I hope the story gets bolder and digs into the action instead of tip-toeing around, and I hope the characters, particularly the main villain (whoever that ends up being) and Amanda become more assertive, active, and compelling.
Good luck, guys, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your work (sorry I didn't get to it sooner).
Posted by Chris M. at April 25, 2007 10:54 PM
On my first read-through, my initial reaction to your review was: "ouch!". But after checking out what I could (unfortunately only from at work, through the previews on the web site and blog) of the actual comic, and reading through your review again, I have to say I pretty much agree. I'd give the comic a B, rather than C-, if nothing else because it is what you call "a real comic book". It succeeds in accomplishing what it intended, in telling a story (how successfully is the next question) via the traditional comic book medium. My reservations are more of the "nothing special" variety, rather than the "here are flaws" type. I didn't find anything wrong with it, but didn't find anything outstanding either.
Like you, my objections are primarily with the storytelling. The near-future dystopia thing has been done to death, and trying to link it to our real world today smacks of propagandizing. Maybe that's part of the purpose of the comic, I don't know. Reading the reviews they've chosen to highlight on their blog shows a slight bias toward appreciating the "message" of the story, rather than the technique used in presenting it - but polished technique is really what a comic reader is going to respond to (admittedly or not).
As for the story itself, I agree that there's nothing that hooks me as a reader. The characters are the standard cardboard cutouts that normally appear in these types of stories. The menacing, immoral, g-man (and woman) are indistinguishable from any of the others that have appeared in film and on the page. They're involved in some sort of overarching project/program that we drop hits of, you say? - ho hum, seen it before, been there, done that, might as well go rent some B-movie action flick that has slow motion explosions or something. The spunky heroine is so bland, that I have no reason to care about her story. In the film version, she could be played by any of a slew of B-movie actresses. She's supposed to provide the narrative focus of the plot, but she doesn't have enough substance to engage me, and just serves to respond to the setting. She's just another pretty blond caught up in harrowing circumstances.
I agree with you that the narrative flow is best summed up as: "too many snippets". And the snippets are all ones I've seen before. The greatest challenge to a storyteller in this information age - with an overabundance of stories, good and bad, is to answer the question: "why should I care?" There has to be a reason for someone to get hooked into this particular story, or they'll move on to something else that grabs their attention. Just presenting a heroine, in an already used setting, opposed by a stereotypical villain, and filling in the spaces with action, just isn't sufficient.
Concerning the artwork, I have to admit I'm not familiar enough with the medium or techniques to give too detailed a critique. I do have the ignorant, "man on the street", gut reactions, though. The artist is clearly talented, and obviously technically proficient, but there's nothing that catches my eye (so to speak) to draw me in. I think black and white is difficult to make interesting (I normally don't care for it myself), so I would suspect it would demand more interesting perspectives to make it dramatic. I did notice one or two panels where I thought, "good job", but the fact that it only happened a couple of times, and that those stood out from the rest - rather than remaining unnoticed beneath the drama of the story occurring in the panels - probably says something. Also, I got the impression that the scenes didn't serve to propel the narrative flow visually (I'm not even sure what that means, I'm just emoting here), and were more reminiscent of camera snapshots rather than moving the story along like a good comic can do.
Finally, I disagree that they need to show Amanda's actual songs. That's like insisting that every movie director provide the soundtrack, as well. It's a different skill set. I have read prose and comics where the author was able to successfully provide entertaining lyrical content, but I've read far many more that bungle the job and detracted from the story. Include it when it's good, and serves the story (which I think they did at the beginning of this comic), but otherwise leave it in the background.
One Last Song does show promise. And my impression is that it's the work of someone who will eventually succeed in this medium. But it doesn't quite rise above amateur status for me.
Mjt!
Thanks for the comments - I'm sorry I only had an electronic version for you to view, as that may have solved a couple of issues for you(in terms of set-up and introducing characters, in the print edition there is an introductory page that clears up a bit of that) but certainly, there are many issues that I agree with (never satisfied with my work, even though it's recent and the second issue DOES promise to be better) and I'm always glad to see them illuminated. It's always good to have another set of eyes, you know? Thanks for reading and I'll go post this on the blog now!
Oh yeah, also, the publisher is Brain Scan studios. Since I totally forgot to add that for you before. oops.
Hoover's dirty tricks people, back in the 60s and into the Nixon Era, had some plans to infiltrate and discredit dissenters, which had an Operation name that I don't recall. I would suspect that Operation Teardrop is a similar sort of thing, based on your description.
Thanks for being a good sport, Shawn. It's possible that the introductory page would have sufficiently cleared some things up, but I would still prefer to see it shown in the narrative flow of the story (especially the first issue of a miniseries).
Thanks, also, for clearing up the publisher question. Brain Scan Studios, incidentally, can be check out online here.
Greg, it seems more like a campaign of termination so far, but I think a campaign to discredit them would be more interesting and dramatically intense -- especially if there's some secret-within-a-secret that the evil Powers That Be are hiding.
Chris,
Thank you for taking the time to check out our book. I really wish someone like you could have gone over the script prior to me sending it to Shawn. It would appear that I need a solid editor.
In retrospect, I can see a lot of the problems that you had with the story. This issue should have definitely been re-written. Due to the fact that this project has taken awhile to come to fruition, I have managed to write several scripts since this issue #1 effort. The lessons learned are being applied.
Thank you for pointing out the fragmentation of the story and how it screws up the narrative and context. It's a weak spot and I'll be working very hard to get a more balanced and engaging style of narrative in the future issues. The "so what?" of the story will be beefed up a bit.
Operation Teardrop, for what it's worth, is a little more interesting than the mere eliminating, discrediting, or turning of dissidents. It is explored and explained a bit more in parts 2 and 3.
Hey CJ, thanks for stopping by and for being a good sport about the criticism I heaped your way. In any creative endeavor, getting good enough to be as good as you want to be is a long, painful, slow-growth process for most folks, and you're essentially sharing your naked baby pictures with the world, which takes a lot of guts.
The fact that you're taking the criticism so well and appear dedicated to learning and improving your craft speaks very well for your character and your chances of significantly improving. I wish you nothing but the best of luck as you continue to write (and be sure to let me know when issue #2 is coming out so I can check it out and see how things go).
As for Operation Teardrop, I'm glad to hear it's more than what we've been shown so far. That's what I hoped would be the case, but a little non-spoiler hint of what's to come in the first issue would've been a good touch. I look forward to seeing what it turns out to be.
BTW, I forgot to mention this in my review, by you and Shawn have my sincere, heartfelt thanks for not including zombies or post-modern Roswell aliens in your story (at least so far)!
Aw, man! CJ, you better re-write issue #2 - scrap the zombie aliens that come to save Amanda and Brian!
How'd you know Chris? That's spooky...! ;)
Seriously though, I think you'll enjoy issue #2 and #3 (where things really start to cook). One Last Song is kind of like The Constant Gardener (if you're familiar with that film), I think, where things seem kind of normal for a long while, but as it progresses, we learn just how dangerous things REALLY are! Ok, I know that sounds like hyperbole, but I'll make sure you stay in the loop and you can decide for yourself...
This is great to have this kind of analytical discussion about the book. I'm looking forward to more folks letting us know what they think!
Yeah, very funny. Ninjas, pirates, and talking animals are off limits too, did I mention that?
But seriously, I look forward to seeing what comes next.