April 2, 2008
That Is Not the Doom You're Used To
Brian Michael Bendis's idea of Dr. Doom dialog:
This juvenile tirade is not Doom. Doom is an erudite bombast. He doesn't need to insult his captives in any way other than to remind them of their inferiority to him. He doesn't stoop to nonce compounds made from toddler vocabulary; he has the whole of the English language at his command.
The sheer misogyny is, of course, not surprising from Bendis. Also, note the artistic focus on Ms. Marvel's crack-creeping leotard.
Now, I don't have any of the context of Doom's statement; he may have had a stroke, or be a malfunctioning Doombot or a Skrull or something. But that's not a Doom at the prime of his power.
I am, of course, well-known as one of the most cliche-ridden hacks ever to try and write dialog, so here's my version:
Update: Thanks to Chris Maka for using his mad skillz and warez to give my words that ol' Orzechowksi-style sizzle!
What's your version of how Doom should put Ms. Marvel in her place?
Posted by Greg at April 2, 2008 5:06 PM
"he has the whole of the English language at his command"
English and several or many others, no doubt.
Once upon a time, when comics were written at a higher level of competence, I'd have replied, "Of course that's not Doom. There's no way it can be Doom. The reader's not even supposed to be fooled that it might be Doom." Now I just figure that it is Doom, but with piss-poor writing.
That's supposed to be Doom?
Simple test for writers: if I don't look at the picture, I should still be able to tell who's speaking by their dialogue.
That's no Victor Von Doom.
(Note: My copy of Photoshop was legitimately purchased is and registered with Adobe -- no warez used here!)
I think my reaction to the original can best be expressed with this gem from the GIS for "cow mouth:" http://10e.org/x1/14.jpg (safe for work)
As for Bendis' dialogue, I guess this is what happens when you've been a Wizard "hot writer" for seven years running and your books sell no matter what: Why bother trying?
Greg's first two balloons work pretty well, but I'd try to make the last one a little more wordy, like:
"Now cease your prattle before Doom decides you do not merit even THAT consideration!"
I genuinely thought that Greg had fallen for some sort of Photoshop joke, but no ... that's apparently the real dialogue that Mr. Bendis used.
And Doom's words actually hurt Carol Danvers' feelings.
Seriously, is there any way we can get Bendis into court ordered couples therapy before he inflicts another one of these on us?
That's it: Combine Greg's first two balloons with DVD's third, and you have Doom dialogue worthy of 70's-era Wein or Wolfman, if not the Man himself.
(Seriously -- "Cow mouth?" "Fat?" "Whore's Heart?" Did Doom ask Carol out to the big dance and she turned him down in some past story we're not aware of? Maybe this is going to be revealed in another continuity-backloading Bendis special, like "Avengers Illuminati: Dark Prom.")
Dr. Doom played by Will Ferrel? Okay. I read that like Ferrel played his character in "Anchorman" and it totally works. Thanks, Brian Michael Bendis.
Ugh. What really, REALLY scares me are the people defending this drek on some of the boards. How anyone, from writer to editor, could look at that page and think those words, in pretty much ANY combination, could come from Doom't mouth is beyond me.
I'd LIKE to think the dialogue was proof that this was a Doombot or Skrull, but for two things;
One, even if it IS a Doombot or Skrull, the dialogue is so off that no one should be fooled by it, defeating the purpose of it being a clever deception, or
Two, Marvel, DC and Bendis have written/published so MUCH crap with awful things like this that one can't be sure if this is a red herring, or simply god-awful writing. Yeesh, it's Identity Crisis and Civil War all over again ...
Take it and run.
It occurs to me that retconning this kind of thing (*cough*SquirrelGirl*cough*) is why Doombots were invented.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND? OUR NORMAL SELVES MEAN NOTHING TO BENDIS! WE ARE BUT PUPPETS IN HIS SICK, TWISTED HANDS! SO SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH WRITING THIS LETTER TO JOE QUESADA BEGGING HIM TO SEND OVER A BETTER WRITER!"
What fun is normal Doom dialogue? I say that compared to what he could write, Bendis is a rank amateur. How could it be made worse? That's the fun part! You want bad English and misogyny, I'll show you what it looks like:
"Jesus H., babe, we're both professionals. Now shut the fuck up, or I'll use my Ovoid mind swap powers to take over your body. I will then seduce Paste Pot Pete, and you will need a score card to keep track of how many villians have knocked you up against your will. Capiche?"
Chary's Bendi-speak is better but it loses the fat joke that was the whole point one figures;)
'Know that you are but chattel now wench
An otherwise piece to be parlayed in MY plans,
so save your bovine utterances for what they are worth...Nothing.'
misogyny intact?
At this point, I figure Bendis is writing this rap on purpose just to get a rise out of people.
Fortunately, I am seldom affected by what Bendis writes, as I grew tired of his mundane writing ages ago.