Sit down, everyone, because I have some exciting news. I've managed to obtain a copy of Grant Morrison's script to Final Crisis #2! What follows is Grant Morrison's pure, unadulterated vision for Final Crisis #2. Spoilers within, and prepare yourself for the wonder that is Grant Morrison:
Jonesy --
Great job on Final Crisis #1. Here's the script for issue #2. It's fookin brilliant if I do say so myself.
Page 1:
We open in Japan. Now, you're probably thinking "Wait a minute, Grant -- I don't know anything about Japan!" That's OK. Neither do I. My entire vision of Japan is apparently based on stuff I read on the internet, primarily on fark.com. Whatever you do, don't show any existing DC characters. In a big crossover like this, that will be exactly what people are expecting. Instead, show a bunch of previously unknown Japanese superheroes waiting in line to get into a nightclub. Be sure to include some cool in jokes, like a guy with the cover of The Killing Joke on the back of his jacket. How would he have that image on the back of his jacket? Who cares! It'll be cool!
We'll have some really cool dialogue on this page, like "Stop! You must be Supercool to proceed! Your life depends on it!"
Page 2-3
This is going to be a two page layout of an angry old superhero who has not previously existed in the DC Universe lecturing all the young superheroes who have previously not existed in the DC Universe. The lecture is going to be all "You kids today suck, and when I was your age I had to fight Mothra. Uphill, in the snow." Be sure to use an unnecessarily convoluted panel lay-out.
Page 4
DiDio says I have to use some pre-existing characters, so I pick .... Sonny Sumo! You probably don't remember Sonny Sumo, but I do! He was in a few issues of Kirby's Forever People 35 years ago, so you shouldn't be surprised that I remember him. After all, I'm a huge Fourth World fan (which is why I'm completely changing all of the Fourth World characters).
Anyway, when you research Sonny Sumo, you may notice that in his last appearance, Darkseid bannished him into Earth's past, never to be seen again. we're just goign to ignore that. We can do that because I'm Grant Fookin Morrison, and I can get away with things like that. Besides, only fat internet nerds care about continuity. All of the casual readers of Final Crisis won't care about sonny's inexplicable appearance.
Anyway, on this page, Sonny's going to order a drink while adoring Japanese teenybopper superheroes giggle at him in awe. Then a giant robot is going to challenge him to a fight.
Page 5
Let's make it a whole page of the robot challenging Sonny to a fight while Sonny sits there without reacting. That will show how cool and stoic Sonny is.
Page 6
Sonny rips the giant robot's heart out and leaves it on the bar. Because he's kewl. Trust me, the fanboys will eat this shit up. They love hearts getting ripped out. It's way Temple of Doom was the most popular Indiana Jones movie.
Page 7
Sonny goes into the bathroom to clean up. One really brave Japanese hero pesters him for an autograph, but Sonny will have none of it! Sonny doesn't sign autographs! Not even for your sister, not even if she's a real big fan! Because he's Sonny Sumo!
Page 8
You know what? We've dicked around for a quarter of the book. Let's have an actual pllot development, shall we? I know -- Shiloh Norman (a.k.a. Mister Miracle) shows up and tells Sonny that there was a cosmic war and evil won. Then he tells Sonny that Shiloh needs Sonny's help to put together a team.
OK, that's something close to advancing the plot, so let's set that aside and not come back to it for the rest of the issue.
Page 9
Let's have a page of that kid from last issue trying to guess the secret magic word that while transform him back into a Monitor.
Page 10-11
Let's follow that up with two pages of Terirble Turpin beating the crap out of the Mad Hatter. But we won't remind people that last issue ended with Turpin in the hands of the bad guys, or even that the guy you're drawing is Turpin. It'll read great in the collected editions, and fook all those readers who don't remember all the details of a comic they read a month ago. Also, I'm totally going to rip off Alan Moore and have all sorts of creepy narration about the sound of a bone breaking in narration boxes that look like Turpin's journal.
I haven't decided yet whether we should give Turpin a face mask that looks like an inkblot. That may be a little too obvious.
Then, for no particular reason, throw in a panel of Turpin buying his train ticket to Bloodhaven even though we've established two panels earlier that Turpin is off to Bloodhaven.
Page 12
OK, we've showed Sonny Sumo and my lame-ass reinterpretation of Mister Miracle and that one Monitor and Terrible Turpin and even the Mad Hatter. I'll bet by now the readers will be clammoring for some of the bigger names in the DC Universe. So let's give them J'onn J'onzz's funeral. Make it a big splash page. Make sure everyone looks suitabaly sad. Also, divide the splash into three panels for no particular reason whatsoever.
When I script the thing, I'll be sure to add a gratuitous reference to the fact that we all know that sooner or later, DC will bring the Martian Manhunter back to life. That'll suck all the emotion out of the scene.
Page 13-14
Let's check back in on the Secret Injustice Gang Society of Super-Villains of the World. We pick up with them immediately after they have killed the Martian Manhunter, even though on the last page, we had already made it to his funeral. Just have lots of panels of them talking to each other. I'll add in some foreshadowing that Libra is going to hurt Superman. Also, I'm going to write Vandal Savage completely out of character and include a really creepy scene where Libra hits on the Human Flame.
page 15-16
We'll start this sequence off with Diana lamenting the fact that J'onn and Orion are dead, mostly because J'onn's telepathy was handy to have around. Boy, that Wonder Woman is sure a bitch. "Somebody died! How does this make my life inconvenient?"
Then we'll have an Alpha Lantern show up to investigate Orion's murder. Now, you may ask "What the heck is an Alpha Lantern?" To that, I say "Alpha Lanterns are seasoned Green Lanterns who have internalized their power and who serve as the Internal Affairs squadron of the Green Lantern Corps." You may also ask "Why would the Green Lantern Corps' Internal Affairs be investigating the death of Orion?" To that, I say "Shut the fook up and draw what I tell you to draw, Jonesy."
Anyway, this particular Alpha Lantern -- Kraken -- is going to act like a royal bitch because she has to slum it by hanging out with Superman and the Justice League on yucky old backwater Earth. Because it's not like Earth's heroes haven't saved the entire fookin universe a dozen times over.
Page 17-18
Now we'll have a couple of pages of John Stewart investigating the crime scene. Midway through the second page, have the disembodied arm of a Green Lantern nail him to the wall with spikes. Cut to ...
Page 19
The Alpha Lanterns arresting Hal Jordan for trying to kill John Stewart!!! OMG!!! I bet you didn't see that coming!!!!
Page 20
Start the page with Batman and Superman discussing whether Hal is innocent. Hey, do you remember when I was writing jLA and every third word out of Batman's mouth was "Hh?" That was so fookin cool. I'm totally going to do that here.
Then we'll have Batman talk to the Alpha Lantern for half a page before it breaks into a two-page fight scene.
Page 21-22
OK, so the Alpha Lantern is possessed and she's fighting Batman. Remeber about six pages ago when I explained that alpha Lanterns are like more powerful Green Lanterns? Anyway, make this fight last for the better part of two pages. Good luck with that.
Page 23
Let's shift the focus to Terrible Turpin, now in Bloodhaven. Also, the Atomic Knights are here, riding their dalmations. Don't ask me to explain it because I won't.
Page 24
Anyway, Turpin meets up with the Al Sharpton knock-off from my Seven Solders series. Reverend Al has Kamandi in a cage.
Page 25
Reverend Al shows Turpin into a lab where Mokkari and Simyan are doing experiments on a Tiger Man. Also, they have Batman captive. And Alpha Lantern Kraken is there too.
Page 26-27
More on Turpin next issue, maybe. Now let's cut to the Daily Planet, where Clayface is disguised as Jimmy Olsen. Superman realizes this just a moment to late, just as a bomb explodes. Make it look like Lois Lane has been killed in the explosion. Hey, if they believe we're killing the Martian Manhunter and Orion, maybe they'll believe we're killing Lois Lane, too.
Page 28-29
On this page, the Golden Age Flash and the modern Flash are racing toward the stripclub where the Secret Injustice Gang Society of Super-Villains of the World were meeting back on page 13. They're looking for clues in J'Onn's death. Remember that bullet that John Stewart found? Batman has surmised that it was a bullet fired backwards through time, which is how it ended up embedded in the ground for 50 years before John found it. And guess what -- Wally and Jay have just found the gun thata fires that bullet! And its about to fire at them, when suddenly....
Page 30
Barry Allen shows up, being chased by the Black Racer
And there you have it, Jonesy. Final Crisis #2 in a nutshell, with twice as much suck as Final Crisis #1.
Posted by Jason Fliegel at June 26, 2008 9:31 PM
One correction and one other "What the heck?" bit you didn't hit;
Rising Sun, the older Japanese hero, already was in DC continuity. One of the old Global Guardians, and if I'm recalling correctly, was killed off in the original Crisis and brought back because someone forgot he'd been killed.
And why the heck would anyone be selling tickets to Bludhaven when the place is a radioactive toxic waste dump with no population (other than the underground lair of the Atomic Knights) after events around Infinite Crisis (which, btw, annoyingly seems to have been picked up on about the same amount as New Orleans in the real world; "We just killed over a million people and destroyed what's supposed to be a major city by dropping Chemo on it. Nah, no one's going to be chasing after us or arresting us for that at all, nope").
doing experiments on a Tiger Man.
I thought it was Talky Tawny.
No, huh?
People are actually buying FC? I thought it was designed to finally drive people out of the comics hobby--and well designed at that.
Jim -- Could be. I thought it was a Kamandi-era Tiger Man, but you never know.
Carl -- Morbid curiosity. Besides, if I didn't buy Final Crisis, I'd just spend the money on booze and hookers.
Huh. And here I thought it was full of the typical Morrisonian blend of new ideas, weird digressions, matter-of-fact affect, and jerky jump-cut pacing which has been the hallmark of most of his DC Universe work since JLA. What a ninny I must have been not to see, instead, its completely glaringly awfulness.
I mean, seriously, how dare he spend several pages reintroducing a New Gods character in a story about the New Gods? Or have characters who are aware that the DCU Pearly Gates have a revolving door, make mention of that fact? Or refer to his own previous stories involving these characters?
Yep. I'd be better off with the booze and hookers, and I don't even drink.
Jason, I have no idea. Based on the heavy use of Kirby characters and ideas, you are possibly (if not probably, or definitely) right.
On the other hand, Tawny is a lightweight, fluffy, funny character. Funny characters don't fly in the modern DCU. The tag line of this series is, supposedly*, "The Day Evil Won." Who better for Evil to throw on a slab than a funny, talking tiger?
Having presented a Kirby-based solution, yours is probably correct. However, I still like mine, since it relies heavily on metatextual evidence of the company that produces the comic. And this kind of reasoning makes industry types cry.
I'm buying it, Carl. I bought the first figuring, like the previous Big Events, I'd know if it wasn't worth my time or money. I'm fascinated by it.
Then again, I'm fascinated by Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Heaven's Gate, The Films Of Coleman Francis, Miller's Crossing and Brubaker.
*I read this somewhere. Graeme McMillan maybe. I've never paid a speck of notice to any ad campaigns for this, so I haven't seen that with my own eyes.
Jim, why is Miller's Crossing on that list? I'm sure I'm missing the joke, but I don't even know what joke I'm missing.
And to get back to Morrison--Morrison wouldn't kill Talky Tawny *just* because he's funny. Morrison is the man who re-introduced Bat-Mite into Earth-1 continuity.
The joke is that if all of those aren't interesting to you, you know what my aesthetic judgement is worth. Also, I consider both Miller's Crossing and Brubaker to be good movies. It's a way of saying YMMV.
This appeals to me in the same way. I just don't know where it fits in the spectrum yet. As Calvin Trillin said, "Too soon to tell."
But, back to Morrison, yes. I don't know that he would kill Tawny just because he's funny. I'm just speculating, and I don't know how much (*if any*) editorial input was given to "who lives - who dies." Does he have a free hand?
The main reason I'm speculating is because Jason gave me the "you never know" opening - and I took it. He could have just said, "No, I think it's a Tiger Man," and having read no Kamandi to this point, I'd have accepted it. But my first reaction, seeing a tiger/tiger man on the slab was "Tawny." (And then I tried to see if I could recognize the bald guy on the other slab. It didn't really look like Sivana, plus he'd been in the previous scene)
Otherwise, for those of you following along, the exchange between Jason and I is an example of the kind of dialogue you will encounter when you find yourself in Chicago, and are able to attend a Curmudgeons Con. This time without Mike barking at us to "Just shut up a second!" as Doug and I interject across his points.
I'd watch out if I were you, Jason. Now that you've insulted the Comic Book Messiah, the Morrisonistas will be after you. I hear they punish unbelievers by burying them under all the unsold copies of Final Crisis #1.
#8: Jim, admittedly it was more than a week in coming, but I gave you the opportunity to post a con report from the most recent Curmudgeons Con. That's the trouble with late con announcements.