Corwin's Laboratory

Teaser--
"Oooooh! What does *this* pattern do?"

"Deirdre, no!"

[Crash!]

Theme [spoken]--
Enter at your own peril, past the snakebound tower and the flying rock,
Where impossible things happen that the Courts of Chaos may never grok

[sung in ridiculous opera style]

In Corwin's Lab'ratory
Lives the smartest bear you've ever seen
But Deirdre blows his pattern
To smithereens
There is gloom and doom
While things go boom
In Corwin's lab!

Episode 3: Sign of the Eunuch Corn

Scene: A playground. In the background we see two redheads playing jump-rope with a dwarf. The jump-rope is huge and incredibly tangled. We pan to our hero, Corwin, getting beat up.

Gerry: "Corwin, you Chunky Monkey! I think you are behind these attempts to destroy the Universe! Stop it immediately or you will be Phish Food! Why would you make the Rocky Road to Amber (1 2 3 4 5)?"

Lifts Corwin off ground by the ankle, begins hitting him with other fist, rhythmically.

Corwin [Junior German Scientist voice]:"No, [ufff!] it was Brandark! Really! I was recovering from the last [ahh] time you beat me and did not [uff!] do anything..."

Ben: "'Allo, my name is Benedict Montoya. You killed my servants Cherry Garcia and her Chubby Hubby (whom I paid no less than 1/6th of my salary)! Prepare to die in an environmentally sensitive and politically correct fashion!"

FX: [brrrriing!]

Gerry: "Ben, recess is over, we can't pummel Corwin until after school. It's against our Union-friendly contract!"

Gerry is still hitting him, continued uffs and ows from Corwin.

Ben:" Three o'clock sharp, Corwin, meet us in the Grove of the Divine Bovine so we may kick your sorry butt!"

Gerry: "Don't make me angry, Corwin. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Gerry drops Corwin. Ben and Gerry exit. Corwin is lying in a heap, collecting his wits, his spleen, his charm, and his silver-tinted glasses.

Corwin [under his breath and to their retreating backs]:"I do not like you now, Gerard..."

Enter Brandark from the shadows. His hair reminds the viewer of the letter B.

Brandark: "Ha! Ha, Ha! I have tricked Ben and Gerry into believing that you Corwin are responsible for Immanentizing the Eschaton, but it is I, Brandark, who has done so! Ha! Ha, Ha! Do you think that Deirdre will go out with me now that I have proven my superiority?"

Corwin: "Brandark, you fool! Did you not think that I, Corwin, would have a way of dealing with those who would damage my soon-to-be precious pattern? With this Jewel, I can overclock my pattern to make it even better! You will not win, Brandark! I will protect it with my Magic +12 Hackmaster, Greyswandir!"

Brandark reaches for the Jewel, but Corwin swings at him with his tremendously oversized sword...

Brandark: "Ha! It doesn't matter if you have that puny jewel, I have already had the last laugh and I will have it again! Ha! You can't do it! Nyaah!"

Corwin gets up and starts using the tip of the jewel to write a pattern on the ground. Enter Deirdre.

Deirdre [really, really grating voice]: "HI CORWIN!, What are you making?"

Corwin: "Sigh. Nothing, dear sister."

Deirdre: "Ooooh! It looks like a pattern! I think I'll dance on it!"

Corwin: "Deirdre, no! It isn't finished! You'll..."

[crash]

Corwin:[watery, hurt little boy voice] "I have to lie down now."

Deirdre: "BYE, CORWIN! I have to go meet Fi Fi and Llew Llew and demonstrate that we're unfit and uninclined to rule Amber!"

Corwin: "Oh, yes, run along and I'll just keep working here. Remember not to tell anyone about my Sooper Seekrit Pattern project..."

Brandark: "Aaaah! Deirdre is be-yoot-iful. I would die for her..."

Narrator: "To be Continued Next Week in...Episode IV: The Hand of Obi-Wan"

Second Feature: Dial 'M' for Morgenstern

("Don't feel bad, Julian, *lots* of Paladins aren't as smart as their warhorses...")

Episode 7: My Little Paladin's War Pony

Caine:"Agents Floradew and Morgenstern, this is Commander Caine. P.A.T.T.E.R.N. has detected that Quackor the Hen-Drake is trying to steal Ghostwheel! You must stop him at all costs!"

Floradew: "We'll leave right away, sir."

Brief Hellride Montage takes Floradew and Morgenstern to a tower in a valley. There is a sign next to it that says "Welcome to Isengard, the home of happiness" next to it is a sign that says "For Sale:Price Reduced" Surrounding the tower is an army of chickens, led by Quackor.

Quackor [voice of Mel Gibson]: "So we meet again, Morgenstern! But this time the advantage is mine! You won't prevent me from getting the Palantir!"

Floradew, briefly puzzled: "I thought it was a Spikard you wanted..."

Quackor: "Palantir, Spikard, Ghostwheel, MacGuffin, whatever, I'll have it!"

Morganstern snorts indignantly and launches himself at Quackor in typical anime fighting style, ala Fist of the North Star.

Floradew: "Oh, do be careful Morgenstern!"

The tower door opens and she casually saunters in. We see her at the top, standing next to a pulsing wheel. It looks like a wheel from Johnny Hart's _BC_ (this happened before Hart lost it, obviously...)

Ghostwheel: "Hello, Auntie Flora. What are those chickens doing here?"

Floradew: "Ghostwheel?"

Ghostwheel: "Yes, Auntie Flora?"

Floradew: "Call me that again and I'll bring Deirdre here..."

They look down, Morgenstern and Quackor are still at it. Quackor is getting the better of Morgenstern. Morgenstern pulls himself up and they launch one final attack at each other. Slow-mo Peckinpah blood from Quackor's bill. Quackor falls to the ground and is surrounded by loyal Chickens

Quackor: "Freeedom!"

Quackor collapses. This enrages the chickens, who storm the tower.

Floradew: "It's a pity I didn't shut that door. Quick, Ghostwheel, conjure me up a blaster pistol!"

Ghostwheel: "What?"

Floradew: "A blaster pistol. You know, a pistol that blasts, Ghostwheel. I need one."

Ghostwheel: "Why?"

Floradew: "I'm going to need it to prevent you from being captured."

Ghostwheel: "Where?"

Floradew: "Stop stalling Ghostwheel. I want it here."

Floradew: "Now would be a good time, Ghostwheel."

Ghostwheel: "Well why didn't you say so? OK, here you go, Auntie Flora!"

Floradew aims the blaster down the stairs at the chickens, turns and fires a fusilade at Ghostwheel, obliterating it completely.

Floradew: "It was a boring conversation, anyway."

Morgenstern leaps to the top of the tower just as Caine reappears, hanging in the air in front of Floradew and Morgenstern.

Caine: "Excellent work,Agents."

They step through the trump back to their apartment.

Floradew:"Thank you, Commander, we owe it all to...Morgenstern!"

Fade to black

One for All

FX:[Guitar Music (a watery version of Stairway to Rebma) starts softly playing in the background..]

Eric: "And in conclusion, I'd like to thank all the little people who...no..."

FX:[Guitar gets louder]

Eric:"You like me! You really, really like me!...no, no, that won't work either..."

FX:[Guitar gets even louder]

Eric:"We are two lions litter'd in one day, and I the elder and more terrible...Oh, that's good..."

FX:[Guitar overwhelms...]

Eric:"Will you keep it down? I have to practice looking surprised and humble when I win Prince of the Year."

Julian:"Dude, your competition is a dead guy, how can you lose?"

Eric:"Anyway, it's time for the nominations to be announced, turn it to E!"

Julian:"No way, dude, it's the season finale!"

FX:[turns TV volume up]

TV: "-kass starring Prince-"

Eric switches the channel

TV:"-lights from Princess Fiona's runway interviews at last year's Pri-"

Julian, indignantly: "Duuude!"

Julian switches the channel back

TV: "off the side of Kolvir!"

Eric: "Gimme that!"

Eric switches it again.

TV: "'Did you see what Jasra was wearing? She look like a coatra-'"

They scuffle for the remote, Eric's crown falls off.

FX: Offstage:[CRASH!]

Voice: "Where are the Cheetoes?"

Eric and Julian:"Right next to you!"

Eric (to Julian): "Do you think he'll ever learn to open doors first?"

FX:[Crash!]

Door splinters and Gerard enters, carrying bag, mostly concealed in his beefy fist. Gerard is, if anything, bigger than he was in Corwin's Lab.

Gerard sings, happily: "Pattern Puppet Pals, Pattern Puppet Pals, Lots of fun for Guys and Gals."

He lumbers over and plops on the couch between Julian and Eric. The couch barely manages the strain.

Eric looks at Julian with an expression of dismay.

All three reach for the remote control at once, in anime style slow motion, ala Fist of the North Star (again). Gerard is last.

Gerard's hand covers the remote, Eric's hand, Julian's hand, and most of the table.

He looks at Eric, his happy countenance beginning to storm up.

Eric whines: "But I wanted to watch E!"

Gerard grabs Eric by the ankle and lifts him up so that he is looking at his face, upside down. Gerard is large enough to do so without getting up from the couch. He turns to Julian.

Julian sulks: "I want my Em--"

Gerard grabs Julian by the ankle and lifts him up so that he is looking at his face, upside down.

Gerard: "Tonight is 'VERY SPECIAL EPISODE' of Pattern Puppet Pals. We *all* watch, or else Gerard Smash!"

Gerard takes the remote in his foot and switches channels.

TV and Gerard sing: "Pattern Puppet Pals, Pattern Puppet Pals. Lots of fun for Guys and Gals."

Gerard claps along to the theme music with his feet. His feet seem to be prehensile. He needs to do this because he is still holding Eric and Julian above his head by their ankles.

Gerard uses his feet to open the bag of cheetoes and proceeds to eat with his toes. He offers one to Eric, who declines.

Two low-grade puppets with lower grade dialog appear on the TV. Aim at dialog and production values about 1/2 as good as Teletubbies, if that show was being produced for Community Cable Access.

PPPM: "Hello, Pattern Puppet Pal Luke."
PPPL: "Hello, Pattern Puppet Pal Merle."
PPPL&PPPM: "Hello boys and girls."

Gerard: "Hello Puppet Pals!"

Gerard glares at Eric and Julian. They also say, dispiritedly: "Hello, Puppet Pals."

PPPL: "Pattern Puppet Pal Merle, I have a present for you."
PPPM: "A Present for me, Pattern Puppet Pal Luke?"
PPPL: "Yes, Pattern Puppet Pal Merle, a present."
PPPM: "Give it to me Pattern Puppet Pal Luke!"
PPPL: "Are you sure?"
PPPM: "Yes, I am sure. Oh, boy, a present!"
PPPL: "Close your eyes, here it comes."
PPPL hits PPPM with a large stick.
TVFX: "Bonk!"

Gerard: "Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Eric speaks, behind Gerard's back: "Maybe he'll forget us before we have to gnaw off our ankles."

Julian: "Dude, can you reach your Utility Belt where you've got the Jewel of Gloriousness?"

Eric: "Unfortunately not, old chum."

Gerard: "Shush!" He raps their heads against the floor to emphasize his point.

PPPL: "Pattern Puppet Pal Merle, I have a magic stick!"
PPPM: "What kind of magic stick, Pattern Puppet Pal Luke?"
PPPL:"A magic *Bonk* stick!"
PPPL hits PPPM with the large stick, again.
TVFX: "Bonk!"

Gerard: "Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

Julian: "Must stay awake, must warn others..."

PPPM: "Pattern Puppet Pal Luke, tell me about the 'Your Best Pal is a Puppet Pal Contest'?"
PPPL: "Pattern Puppet Pal Merle, Our winner and two friends will get to be on Pattern Puppet Pals and I will show them how to be a Pattern Puppet Pal."
PPPM: "What will you show the lucky winner, Pattern Puppet Pal Luke?"
PPPL: "I will show him my *bonk* stick!"
PPPL hits PPPM with the large stick, again.

TVFX: "Bonk!"

Gerard: "Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

PPPL: "The winner is...'The Infraggable Gerard!'"

Gerard: "Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy, we all get to meet the Pattern Puppet Pals! Eric, Julian and Gerard all get to be on Pattern Puppet Pals! Oh boy, Oh boy!"

Eric and Julian sigh.

Julian: "Dude, do you think he's, like, *ever* going to get tired of watching that videotape?"

Fade to black, roll credits.