A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"We'll even provide you with a prescription bong."

"Do you want the wizard, or the skull?"

The Kingwood teenager's story of decapitating a corpse and using the head to smoke marijuana was so outlandish that at first Houston Police Department senior police officer Jim Adkins did not believe it.

Yet, Kevin Wade Jones Jr., 17, appeared almost indifferent as he relayed the bizarre description of his and two friends' activities at an Humble area graveyard, Adkins said.

"I just doubted it because it's very morbid, and I couldn't see anybody doing something like this," Adkins said Thursday.

Not until police went to the home of another Kingwood 17-year-old, Matthew Richard Gonzalez, did the officer believe the tale.

"He regurgitated in his plate of food when I asked him about it," Adkins said. "So I knew there was some truth to the story."
[...]
Houston police believe the teens disturbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

The child was buried at an unmarked cemetery believed to be reserved for black veterans and their families, Adkins said.

I knew some real winners in college, including a couple of guys I worked with who were in the occasional habit of making off with headstones from local cemetaries. Rumor was they'd eventually ramped up their desecration to actual corpse abuse, but by then I'd quit the College Republicans.

Can't you get human skulls online? And is it true that ones from India always have perfect teeth?

A few things:

Jones claimed he and his friends used shovels to dig up the body and removed the corpse's head with a garden tool, Adkins said. Jones also revealed he and the other two boys took the severed head to the juvenile's home, where they used the skull as a "bong" to smoke marijuana, the officer said.

They would then use the marijuana to "get high," which would potentially lead to fits of "the giggles" and "munchies." Finally, the boys might listen to "Pink Floyd" before "passing out."

The three boys, all home-schooled, have also been charged in connection with the vehicle break-in.

Your dorsal ocelli are like limpid pools

Isabella Rossellini is doing a series of shorts for the Sundance Channel called Green Porno, in which she acts out the mating routines of various invertebrates. It is simultaneously one of the weirdest and coolest things I've ever seen (and I suppose it's technically NSFW):

In addition to snails and earthworms, you can enjoy simulated hanky-panky with such arthropod luminaries as the dragonfly, bee, and spider, peppered with informative commentary like, "My anus would end up on top of my head. Unfortunately."

Admittedly, I went straight for praying mantis, and was a little disappointed that the lovely Ms. Rossellini didn't play the female.

"Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson-Secretariat fight."

Silly Cedric, Lake Travis isn't international waters:

Former Longhorn running back Cedric Benson said he is innocent.

He was charged with Boating While Intoxicated (BWI) charges along with the resisting arrest charges on Lake Travis Saturday night.

Benson was arrested after a Lower Colorado River Authority officer said he failed a sobriety test.

Benson was operating a 30 foot boat with 15 passengers on it when he was randomly checked for a safety inspection.

It's unclear if the police were alerted to the presence of monkey knife fights aboard the boat.

But wow...15 people? I was on a 32-footer last week with four guys and we oft times had to maneuver in close quarters. Then again, we were usually casting from the same side of the boat.

Police said they used pepper spray to get Benson to a Travis County deputy's car.
[...]
Benson was the fourth pick in the 2005 draft.

As a fan of both the Longhorns and the Bears, I'm pretty qualified to describe Benson as a bust. In three seasons, he has less than 1,500 yards rushing and ten touchdowns. Unfortunately, as golden an opportunity as this is to cut him loose, the Bears would take a $6 million salary cap hit if they did so.

And however will they re-sign Cade McNown if that happens?

Beating a...

While we were at the "beach" last week (a perfectly serviceable sandy oceanfront surface, Angelo's snotty protestations aside), we discussed watching the Kentucky Derby. Circumstances - meaning She Who Shall Not Be Named's ongoing fascination with getting pummeled by surf - kept us away from the TV, which turns out to have been just as well:

Big Brown was pulling away from the field, accelerating with every powerful stride toward the finish line in the Kentucky Derby. The crowd of 157,770 was on its feet and cheering as the big, unbeaten, muscular bay crossed the line first, 4 3/4 lengths ahead of the filly Eight Belles.

Trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. was still celebrating, along with thousands of happy bettors, as Big Brown and the 19 other horses in Saturday's race galloped out around the first turn at Churchill Downs.

It took a few minutes to sink in, but anyone watching those horses soon realized that one of them had fallen to the track.

"It's the filly," someone whispered. She went down about a quarter mile past the finish line.

In just a few minutes, the joy of the Derby and the promise of a new Triple Crown season were upended when Eight Belles was euthanized by injection on the track.

She had broken both front ankles and could not be saved.
[...]
Dr. Larry Bramlage, the Derby's on-call veterinarian, said the filly's injuries were too severe to even attempt to move her off the track.

"She didn't have a front leg to stand on to be splinted and hauled off in the ambulance, so she was euthanized," Bramlage said.

Trainer Larry Jones paid tribute to his fallen filly saying, "She ran the race of her life."

Apparently so.

I'm not going to get all bunged up about another (the fourth high profile racing death in the last two years) dead horse, seeing as how I: 1) eat meat; 2) take my kid to the zoo, and 3) just last week went fishing with The Father in Law. But remind me again how horse racing is different from the Iditarod or greyhound racing or any other borderline civilized animal sport? Is it the veneer of respectability afforded by millionaire owners? The venerable tradition of races like the Derby? Thoroughbreds are prettier than greyhounds? The relatively low mortality rate?

Horse always tastes a little gamy?

Ah well. This will cease to be a story once the Preakness rolls around.

Married to the sea

APCB is on something of a hiatus this week, as the family is vacationing in a spacious beach house in Galveston, courtesy of the lovely and talented CS family. She Who Shall Not Be Named is up to three visits a day to the beach, where she demonstrates her true loyalties by showing no distress when Mom or me leaves her with The Father-in-Law to be pummeled by the waves.

Dinner tonight was courtesy of the plethora of sand trout we caught of the jetties earlier. Now it's a cigar and a cocktail or three on the deck overlooking the ocean. The Gulf may not be the prettiest body of water, but on a breezy April night it'll do just fine.

See you next week.