A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Need a gift suggestion for the holidays?

The hot video pick this Christmas season is...Paris Hilton:

Sexy hotel heiress Paris Hilton is the star of a leaked video tape that shows her graphically romping with Shannen Doherty's husband Rick Solomon. The explicit video was filmed three years ago when Rick and Shannen - who are now back together again - temporarily separated. But now an anonymous mole has given copies of the video to various media folk, reports website Page Six. An insider says, "Paris keeps staring into the camera and trying to show her best side. She knows she is being taped and Rick keeps trying to get her into sex positions that are better for taping, if you know what I mean."

Haw haw! You don't have to tell me, bro! I'll tell you!

...uh, no, I actually have no idea what positions are better for videotaping. The 'adequate overhead lighting' missionary? How about the 'low ambient background noise' lotus blossom?

And isn't this the same Rick Solomon who's producing a "Girls Gone Wild"-esque series of videos called "Beverly Hills Pimps and Hos?" There's your "anonymous mole," you morons. Hilton's in the freaking teaser trailer on the web site.

Paris's representative says, "This was something she did with Rick while they were dating, after he was no longer with Shannen, and it was something that was intended for their own personal use. This tape was never intended to be viewed by the public and it is in poor taste that someone has decided to release it."

It's a simple concept, really - taping yourself having sex is like cheating on your spouse: you're not going to get away with it. If the prospect of someone uploading your amateur "9 1/2 Weeks" to the internet doesn't bother you, how about the idea of your (present or future) kids finding it one day (and either laughing themselves into hysterics or admitting themselves to therapy)? And if those still aren't enough to put you off the idea, at least consider how it'll feel to watch the tape in 40 years, when gravity, booze, and Big Macs have taken their toll on your once svelte(r) physiques. Spare yourself the depression and do what every else does with their video cameras: film guys getting hit in the groin.