...to find (alleged) fondling going on in Neverland Valley.
Santa Barbara District Attorney Tom Sneddon sounds like he wanna be startin' something:
SANTA BARBARA, California (CNN) -- Authorities are awaiting the surrender of pop star Michael Jackson and say they plan to charge him with multiple counts of child molestation.
District Attorney Tom Sneddon said Jackson faces multiple counts of lewd or lascivious contact with a child younger than 14.
We watched "Nightline" tonight, which must have set some sort of land speed record in putting the Jackson story together, and I got the distinct impression that Ted Koppel was enjoying this way too much. I suppose it's hard to blame him.
One of the panelists was a writer for Vanity Fair who remarked about Michael Jackson's famous plastic surgery disasters. This made me wonder if, somewhere in the dusty attic of his Neverland mansion, the normally-complected Michael Jackson (who still has his original facial features) is being held captive while his horrid portrait has somehow escaped and roams the earth. Then I realized that was probably the least original thought one could have regarding Michael Jackson and resolved to keep my mouth shut.
Whoops.
Of course, none of this is new to the King of Pop:
"It is a case of excitement and hysteria because we have the same accusations that we had 10 years ago," [Jackson family attorney Brian Oxman] said. "It's like playing the playoffs all over again."
Terms of the settlement of the lawsuit -- filed in 1993 and settled the next year -- were confidential, though the boy's attorney said at the time the boy and his family were happy to resolve the matter.
Johnnie Cochran, Jackson's attorney in that case, said at the time that Jackson maintained his innocence and that the settlement was in no way an admission of guilt.
Uh huh. Maybe Jackson can team up with OJ to find the "real molestors."
Well, maybe they'll find the knife at the Neverland mansion and then we'll see he was really just bumpin' uglies with OJ and the child molestation stuff was a cover.
Problem here is that if they send Jackson to prison, he might actually like it.
No offense, Denny, but I doubt it. If true, his crimes are about him having the power and stealing the innocence of his victims. If he goes to the big house, where a large percentage of the population are victims of similar crimes, he will have the roles reversed on him. And I doubt he'll last a week.
And, if guilty, I can't wait to hear his pelvis crack when Angry Bubba gets hold of him.
I wasn't being all that serious, Peenman. It was just a flipant comment.
Child predators are usually segregated from the general population, anyways. Not that Jackson will ever do any hard time in a "real" prison. And even if he did, he'd just buy enough muscle to keepself him safe.
Ah, the equity of the American criminal justice system.
Jackson has enough in reserves to float a hefty legal bill. Should not be a problem for him, and we'll see how well his lawyers manuever on this one. As for jail, he won't be there and he wouldn't last a day.
Of course MJ and OJ won't team up; they did each others' crimes. Criss-cross! The glove didn't fit because it came from a much smaller hand, you see.
Okay, wow, that's the tackiest idea I've expressed in, like, four hours.