A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Mandatory Christmas viewing

It's Christmas time again, when ulcers begin to bleed freely and normally polite human beings start acting like rabid Justin Guarini fans as yuletide madness fills the air.

If you observe Christmas, it may mean spending time with family and friends, opening presents, and gathering around the fire. Or it might mean alcoholic depression that borders on the suicidal. One man's meat, and all that. At my house, Christmas - like most other days - is about movies.

I'm well acquainted with the traditionally required viewing for the holiday season. Thanks to the miracle of cable and satellite programming, such fare is inescapable during this time of year. And nothing dulls those wonderful childhood memories like being able to watch "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't" every night for a month.

Of course, saying I'm familiar with the usual holiday viewing selections and actually watching them myself are two different things entirely.

Some of the hoary X-mas standards made my personal viewing list. They are listed a little further down. Others did not. These are listed now:

It's A Wonderful Life - Never watched this until I was in high school. Seeing it for the first time through the lens of annoying teenage pseudo-angst probably led to my lasting negative impression of it as sentimentalist bilge.
Miracle on 34th Street - This may be the grandaddy of all anti-consumer Christmas entertainment offerings, but the cartoon version of "The Grinch" does the same thing in less time. And has cooler music.
A Christmas Carol (the 1938 version with Reginald Owen) - As a child, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come scared the bejeesus out of me in a way only the grim specter of Death rendered in grainy black and white could. Brrrrr.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas - In elementary school, my classmates and I must've been unable to read TV Guide, because whenever a cartoon was airing somebody in our class would announce it to everyone so we could make sure and catch it. I still owe Jeff Nelson a punch in the gut for convincing me to watch this in 2nd grade.
Babes in Toyland - I never actually saw this, I'm just bitter because I accidentally rented it while looking for...something else. Memo to video clerks: nothing with Ray Bolger belongs on the "Fetish - Toy" aisle.
Home Alone - How a movie featuring that sadistic little bastard as a protagonist ever got passed off as family entertainment is a mystery to me. Joe Pesci should give his Oscar back. Daniel Stern should be forced to make sequels to "Bushwhacked" until they confiscate his SAG card.
The Nutcracker - Any incarnation. Really, how many times do we have to watch this? Haven't they made "Frosty the Snowman" into a ballet yet?

Bleagh. Okay, so what Christmas movies are de rigeur at Casa Vonder Haar during these festive days? I'm glad you asked:

Die Hard - "Yippee ki ay, motherfucker" is so much more inspirational than "Attaboy, Clarence." This tradition started when I was in high school, so blame my parents.
A Christmas Story - A film that seems to polarize many people, probably thanks to TNT's decision to air it for 24 hours straight every year. Still one of my favorite movies. Best not to ask whatever became of Flick, though.
A Charlie Brown Christmas - "Rudolph" may be older, and I happen to think "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" is better, but this is still a must-see every year. Get the DVD so your viewing experience won't be sullied by ill-placed ads for Levitra and the Ronco Turnip Twaddler.
Invasion U.S.A. - Because nothing conveys "peace on earth, goodwill towards men" like Chuck Norris saying, "See you in hell." Ah, le mot just.
Silent Night, Deadly Night - "Naughty!" Usually screened after The Wife has gone to bed.
Better Off Dead - "Everybody's going to be wearing one of these?" "It's got raisins in it. You like raisins."
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Accept no substitutes.
A Midnight Clear - Still the best movie Ethan Hawke's ever done. A Christmas story that doesn't feel contrived, and it's a war movie to boot, so men uncomfortable with their feminine side can still have an excuse to watch it.
Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol - "We're des-picable!/We make ourselves/Plain sick-able!" Take that, "A Chipmunk Christmas."
A Wish For Wings That Work - Opus and Bill the Cat, walking and talking on my TV. I'm glad the internet is around to confirm I didn't hallucinate this. And it's a great story, too.

I think that does it. Sadly, there are always those unfortunate few who didn't make the cut:

Ernest Saves Christmas - All Ernest movies have been banned with extreme prejudice from the Vonder Haar home, sadly.
Lethal Weapon - Already a cliche when released, "Lethal Weapon" hasn't aged well at all, especially after seeing all those "Simpsons" episodes that mock Joel Silver's movies.

So what'd I forget?