A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Pete's 2004 Movie Preview, Pt. 1

At A Perfectly Cromulent Blog, we tend to shy away from such things as year-end retrospectives and top 10 lists. Enough of these compilations are put together every year that one more set by yours truly would simply disappear like so much Skoal juice in a can of Bud Ice. We prefer to look forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

So without further ado and only a few more "Simpsons" references, here's my 2004 movie preview, presented in chronological order for your convenience.

JANUARY

Chasing Liberty - Because Mandy Moore is the first name that springs to mind when visualizing a remake of "Roman Holiday"
Along Came Polly - When did Ben Stiller abandon irony? Executives must be banking that Jennifer Aniston can put more butts in the seats than Sandra Bullock in Forces of Nature, or Darlanne Fluegel in Tough Guys, or Julia Louis-Dreyfuss in "Hunka Hunka Burns In Love," all of which have almost identical subplots.
Torque - I'll let this quote from the official site speak for me: "Racing across the desert in a perilous attempt to prove his innocence and convince Shane that he's worth a second chance, Ford must outrace his enemies if he wants to clear his name and live to ride another day." For some reason, I keep thinking of Megaforce.
The Butterfly Effect - "If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine." At least Somewhere In Time had Jane Seymour.
Mindhunters - Oft delayed and actually released at Cannes in 2003 to widespread "meh" reviews. A group of FBI trainees are stranded on an island as an unseen killer stalks and kills them. Renny Harlin looks to continue the success of "Cutthroat Island" and "Driven."
The Big Bounce - I really haven't heard much about this one. I like Gary Sinise, Morgan Freeman, and (usually) Owen Wilson. But will Charlie Sheen and his perpetual cocaine-induced thousand yard stare be enough to ruin it?
The Perfect Score - Silly teenagers. Acing the SAT isn't the hard part, it's affording tuition.
You Got Served - Breakin' 3?

FEBRUARY

Miracle - The horse from History of the World finally gets his own movie. What? Oh, it's actually about the 1980 "Miracle on Ice." Kurt Russell plays Herb Brooks. No word on whether Dolph Lundgren gets a cameo as a Soviet player.
50 First Dates - The ubiquitous Rob Schneider, Maya Rudolph and Dan Aykroyd are just a few of the "SNL" alumni Adam Sandler is cramming into this. Looks like Sandler sings again, too. Hot damn.
Against the Ropes - It's now apparent that Meg Ryan got her lips done in order to more effectively portray a woman involved in boxing.
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 - Where we find out Bill is actually played by Ethan Hawke.
Broken Lizard's Club Dread - I freely admit to laughing my ass off at Super Troopers, Broken Lizard's earlier effort, so I'm looking forward to this one. Though I suspect I'll be seeing it by myself.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights - Nobody puts Fidel in a corner!

MARCH

Starsky and Hutch - This will be better than Zoolander, how?
Agent Cody Banks 2 - Initially I thought they were rushing these out to avoid the awkwardness of having the leads mature too rapidly for the "kid secret angle" to be convincing (e.g. Spy Kids 3). Now that Frankie Muniz is looking like this generation's Ralph Macchio, I'm not sure I understand the rush.
The Girl Next Door - Is there much demand for more movies about guys who fall for ex-porn stars who move in to their neighborhood? Whatever, Sung Hi Lee is in it.
Dawn of the Dead - No comment. Bastards.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - With Charlie Kaufman writing, Carrey may finally have a shot at the dramatic credibility he so openly craves. Or he might dredge up everyone's memories of The Majestic.
Whatever, Kate Winslet is in it.
Jersey Girl - Kevin Smith reportedly scrapped plans to subtitle this Getting "Gigli" With It. Okay, not really.
Scooby Doo 2 - What's that? An appearance by "American Idol's" Ruben Studdard? Excelsior!

APRIL

Hellboy - I wish Guillermo del Toro the best, but I can't see how this will succeed: it's based on an obscure comic book, has no big names, and opens in a very crowded April (opposite Disney's animated Home on the Range at that).
The Alamo - Billy Bob "I Love You Angelina!" Thornton[1] couldn't hold Fess Parker's coonskin jock, but several friends were extras in this, so I owe them my money.
Walking Tall - If Thornton is unworthy of toting Parker's truss, then Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson needs to get on his hands and knees and lick Joe Don Baker's boot leather. The preview maintains this is still "based on a true story"...which is sort of correct: it's still set in Tennessee, and the main character is still named "Buford Pusser." Other facts - like the actual names of ther townspeople and what Pusser is actually walking tall against (drugs instead of corruption) - have conveniently been abandoned. Why title this film Walking Tall in the first place? What's wrong with The Rock is Cookin' A Big Pot of Whup Ass And All You Slack-Jawed 18-22 Year Olds Are Going to Fork Over Your Ten Bucks Like the Slavering Dogs You Are No Matter What We Call It?
Connie and Carla - Having effectively milked the My Big Fat Greek Wedding cow until it bled, Nia Vardalos desperately tries to get audiences to adore her again.
The Punisher - Garth Ennis gets his first of two filmed adaptations of 2004 (Constantine being the second), since it looks like Artisan is using parts of Ennis' "Welcome Back, Frank" comic book storyline for the movie. The Travolta factor is keeping me from getting too jonesed for this one, especially when you consider that a gun-toting vigilante is much less of a shocking conceit nowadays than it was when the character debuted.
Without A Paddle - April's gonna be a Seth Green/Matthew Lillard kinda month. Best to stay indoors.

MAY

Van Helsing - After looking at the official site and some set pics of the "brides of Dracula," I feel safe in describing Van Helsing as "The Monster Squad with boobs." And that Hugh Jackman fellow is apparently pretty tasty.
Troy - I'll be interested to see if Warner Brothers engineers it so that Achilles (Brad Pitt) survives. No, that's not a spoiler. Read a book.
Shrek 2 - In an attempt to outdo the original, Shrek 2 will feature jokes that are obsolete before the movie even reaches theaters.
13 Going On 30 - At the risk of becoming redundant..."Big with boobs."
The Day After Tomorrow - As a youngster (and even, at times, as an adult) I would fantasize about what I would do if I lived through a massive global cataclysm - dreams of becoming Mad Max clashed with the probable reality of my being used as entertainment in the mutant beaver pens. These days, the thought of such a disaster scares the shit out of me, so I suppose it's it serves me right that the spirit of Irwin Allen has returned to haunt us all.

JUNE

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - I stopped reading the Harry Potter books after Chamber of Secrets, so I can't speak for what J.K. Rowling had in mind for the film version of Prisoner of Azkaban. Even so, I have to wonder what her reaction was when informed that Prisoner would be directed by the guy who directed the teens-banging-older-woman romp, Y Tu Mamá También. I imagine there was some grinding of teeth.
The Chronicles of Riddick - I enjoyed Pitch Black. Not the most original plot, admittedly, but well-drawn characters and fun to watch. If Chronicles is to succeed, David Twohy needs to remember that a big part of Pitch Black's appeal was that Riddick didn't dominate the film. I know Vin Diesel is a Big Star now, but it would be a mistake to let this devolve into Riddick blowing the hell out of everything and treating us to his dry, cool wit...and I hope Judi Dench kicks his ass.
The Stepford Wives - Like The Punisher, this concept seems less startling now when you can see it replayed live just by driving out to any of our fine, master-planned communities.
Garfield - Jennifer Love Hewitt triumphantly returns to cinema while Bill Murray laughs all the way to the bank.
Dodgeball: The Movie - I will attempt to overcome my traumatic childhood memories of dodgeball and see this, but only because The Shatner's in it.

As Night Ranger once said: To be continued...

[1] Someone remind me to publish a written review of Thornton's performance at Wille Nelson's picnic this year from my friend "Cooter," from whence that quote comes.