Ever vigilant against dangerous reference materials, the FBI wants us to keep an eye out for people carrying almanacs:
WASHINGTON - The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.
In a bulletin sent Christmas Eve to about 18,000 police organizations, the FBI said terrorists may use almanacs "to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning."
It urged officers to watch during searches, traffic stops and other investigations for anyone carrying almanacs, especially if the books are annotated in suspicious ways.
"Annotated in suspicious ways?" Finally, a use for those damn spycams.
"I don't think anyone would consider us a harmful entity," said Kevin Seabrooke, senior editor of The World Almanac. He said the reference book includes about a dozen pages out of its 1,000 pages total listing the world's tallest buildings and bridges but includes no diagrams or architectural schematics. "It's stuff that's widely available on the Internet," he said.
Much of it on U.S. government web sites. Of course, if terrorists really want to know which targets are the most vulnerable, they could just watch local news. Here in Houston, we're treated at least twice a week to hysterical reports about how ill-protected our refineries and gourmet coffee shops are.
They'll issue an alert against the Guinness Book of World Records next. Think of the mass garroting al-Qaeda could accomplish if they tracked down the man with the world's longest moustache.
"But there's another World's Fair coming soon, right? Before this weekend?"
Ridge & Co. continue to piss me off. It'd be one thing if, after all the terror warnings and mass hysteria that gets created, if they could demonstrate some results. And capturing Saddam doesn't count. Indefinatley detaining people in Guantanamo doesn't either.
I picked up my wife from the Houston Intercontinental Airport last night. After my car was seached at a check point (luckily I stashed my almanac earlier) I then proceeded to wait for over a half an hour in a line of cars (resembling more of a parking lot than progressing cue of vehiciles) in order to get to the ridiculously congested arrival pick up point. The cops, looking bored and uninterested, waived through cars autonomously. But you couldn't stop and wait, or even look around for your party without getting a "homeland security" ticket.
A predictably gigantic pile of human beings and luggage waiting to get picked compounded the problem and made it nearly impossible to locate the person you were looking for. After missing my wife the first couple of times, I had to exit the airport and reenter the whole process again.
I guess it'd be one thing if the other drivers were polite and calm. But they were not. (Merry Christmas to you too, fuckers).
After nearly 2 hours of this madness, I finally connected with the wife. And that only occured because we were able to coordinate via cell phone. If I'd known it was going to be like that, I'd have gladly paid for cab fare.
Thanks, Tom Ridge. I feel sooooo much safer.
I hope nobody shows Tom Ridge the old film 'On the Town', wherein a trio in generic sailor uniforms canvasses New York City with a dated guidebook. ARREST FRANK SINATRA! He's dead? ARREST NANCY SINATRA!
I just want everybody to know that it's still okay if you wander around with a strangely-annotated copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook. Because I do that sometimes. In my underwear.