In which we look at the films coming out in the latter half of 2004...
JULY
Spider-Man 2 - Will Sony be disappointed when this "only" grosses $275 million? Will they then fire Sam Raimi for not including a "Mary Jane in the rain" scene and hire the director of Y Tu Mamá También?
King Arthur - Movies based on the Arthurian legend should've been subjected to a 50-year moratorium after First Knight. Still, I'm curious about the stills that appear to depict Guinevere as a Dark Ages ninja.
A Cinderella Story - Approximately the 120th rendition of the "Cinderella" story on film, only this one has been "modernized" (a cell phone instead of a glass slipper) for our enjoyment.
"I hope it has a happy ending. I love happy endings." - The Waco Kid
I, Robot - It's been so long since I read Asimov's book the details are hazy. Will Smith generally gives me the hives, but I've liked Alex Proyas' work on The Crow and Dark City. This one sounds like a long lunch hour matinee.
The Bourne Supremacy - In the bloody Damon-Affleck Wars of 2002, The Bourne Identity clearly mopped the floor with The Sum Of All Fears. I'll check this one out fairly early in its run, although I wish they'd skip Supremacy and go straight to The Bourne Ultimatum, which was a better book.
Whatever, Franke Potente is in it.
Catwoman - Giving new meaning to the term, "loosely based on."
AUGUST
Alien vs. Predator - Jesus, this one's been a long time coming. First the comic, then the toys, and finally the video games. I'm trying not to let the words, "From the director of Resident Evil" empty my body of hope. I do like the fact that Lance Henriksen's character in this is the man who founds the Weyland-Yutani company from the Alien movies.
Collateral - From the Dark Horizons preview page: "Plot: A cab driver finds himself the hostage of an engaging contract killer as he makes his rounds from hit to hit during one night in LA. He must find a way to save both himself and one last victim." "One last victim?" Guess the previous ones weren't as hot as Jada Pinkett Smith.
Ah, the whole premise is flawed. How is one killer going to match firepower against a cabbie, most of whom are armed like Navy SEALS?
Blade: Trinity - A Matrix crossover? Ha ha, no. Writer/director David Goyer originally wanted to make this third installment a "Planet of the Vampires" tale where Blade stands alone against the bloodsucking hordes (though one wonders why he'd bother at that point). Worries that the film would be "too dark" (and probable threatened legislation from Richard Matheson) means Trinity will actually have Blade squaring off against a resurrected Dracula. Hey, at least Jon Bon Jovi's not in it.
A Sound of Thunder - A big game hunter goes back in time to hunt dinosaurs, kills a butterfly, and accidentally erases humanity from existence. And me all out of "Simpsons" time travel jokes.
Anacondas - From a communiqué intercepted outside Screen Gems headquarters: "Hey, if one snake in the original movie was scary, think how much scarier a bunch of them will be! Oh, did we mention none of the original cast are returning? Not even Jon Voight, and we all know how discriminating he is."
Man-Thing - I guess no one at Artisan could afford the rights to "Peter Porker: The Spider-Ham."SEPTEMBER
The Amityville Horror - Considering that no writer or director had been announced as of this entry, feel free to keep your hopes up for a high-quality remake.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse - The first Resident Evil was an unforgivably boring turd of a film, so there's absolutely no anticipation for this one. That's a shame, because the trailer is actually pretty amusing.
Constantine - It serves everyone involved in this movie right that the plot sounds like something out of Angel. What's really upsetting about the pending cinematic version of one of my all-time favorite comics is that I can't decide if Keanu Reeves is actually much worse of a choice to play John Constantine than Nicolas Cage.
Wimbledon - I think everyone will agree that a movie about the professional tennis circuit is something that will fascinate audiences across the United Kingdom. I hope there's some bullet-time match point scenes, too.
OCTOBER
Shark Tale - Here's an idea: make an animated feature and set it undersea. You'll make millions, or you'll just be accused of ripping of Pixar. Again.
Ladder 49 - Given the (understandable) adulation heaped upon firefighters in the last few years, I'm surprised it's taken this long to make another movie about them. And not a Baldwin in sight.
Taxi - Once again, an American studio appropriates a foreign film property that was never released stateside and makes what promises to be an inferior version. With Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon, no less. At least in a movie, Fallon will get as many takes as he needs to keep from cracking up at his own jokes.
The Mask 2 - That dancing baby from Ally McBeal must have one hell of an agent. I saw this preview a few days ago and thought I was finally being punished for all those times I took the Lord's name in vain.
NOVEMBER
Alexander - Forget the Persians, can Colin Farrell ever tame those eyebrows?
The Incredibles - Pixar continues its hyper global domination of all things animated. My daughter won't be old enough to appreciate it, but you can bet your ass I'll be dragging her along anyway.
Flight of the Phoenix - If this is in fact a remake of the 1965 Jimmy Stewart film, I'll probably pass. What we really need is a remake of "Flight of the Navigator," only this time David uses the spaceship to destroy his enemies and impress girls.
The Polar Express - Tom Hanks provides the voice of the main character, a boy who takes a train to the North Pole to see if Santa is real (this was also the inspiration for Call of the Wild). The big news, however, is the re-teaming of Hanks and "Bosom Buddies" co-star Peter Scolari.
Oky, so they both appeared in That Thing You Do! as well, give me a break.
The Ring 2 - Keep cranking those horror movies out, Japan. After all, we'd hate for our studios over here to run out of ideas.
SpongeBob SquarePants - Face it, this could be 78 minutes of SpongeBob dancing to "Hit That Perfect Beat" and it'd still pull in $150 million. Just succumb and get it over with.
Surviving Christmas - Ben Affleck plays a guy who rents a family for Christmas. Let's hope he remembers to rent an audience to go along with them.DECEMBER
Closer - The appeal of Julia Roberts continues to elude me. Apparently I'm alone on this, as her movies consistently gross hundreds of millions of dollars. Closer (which features Jude Law for the ladies) promises to do the same, even if I end up outside every theater in town screaming at people that Pretty Woman was sentimentalist crap, Runaway Bride was insultingly predictable, even by Hollywood romance standards, and her character in My Best Friend's Wedding was a spiteful, arrogant pain in the ass that no one in their right mind would want to marry.
Ocean's Twelve - Apparently the haul from Andy Garcia's casino wasn't as much as they'd hoped. And they break into the Vatican? Will they find the giant spider from "South Park?"
Skipping Christmas - The joke I want to make is far too obvious, even for a Tim Allen movie.
The Aviator - Scorcese appears to be taking the easy way out and ending the film in 1946, well before Howard Hughes' maharishi days.
Cinderella Man - Can we put Russell Crowe and Cuba Gooding, Jr. on opposite ends of the Oscar-winner career spectrum yet? Crowe may be a boor in real life, but he knows how to pick his roles. I'm not sure how compelling turn-of-the-century boxing scenes will be to today's audiences, their pupils fixed and dilated by endless Matrix ripoffs and jump cuts, but this one could be interesting.
Of course, with Ron Howard directing, it could also be utter crap.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events - Another movie based on another series of books I'm going to end up having to read.
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason - For a romantic comedy, the first Bridget Jones was actually quite good. Nothing's funnier than the ongoing saga of size -2 Renee Zellweger "packing on the pounds" so she can look like a normally sized woman, however.
Meet the Fockers - Sorry, but Meet the Parents was one of the most overrated comedies I've ever seen. Sure, nobody does a slow burn like De Niro, but mixing in some acting once in a while couldn't hurt. I'd see this if Stiller's parents turned out to be sleeper terrorists and it was up to De Niro's character to torture them in order to uncover theirn plans. Otherwise, nah.
The Phantom of the Opera - The Phantom? Boy, we're really ending with a whimper here. Andrew Lloyd Webber is fascinating to me, because I'm convinced that Cats is really an elaborate joke on audiences that no one got. His Phantom's not much better, but my opinions on musical theater are so scattershot I'm willing to accept I might be missing something inherently appealing about it.
Cats, though. Whoosh.
Okay, that about does it. Hope everyone has a happy new year, and we'll see you in '04.
What, no mention of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow?
Couldn't agree more regarding Meet The Parents. Not the worst movie ever, or anything like that. A number of funny gags, to be sure. But I spent over half the movie wondering when Stiller's character would sprout a spine and some testicles.
Two quick comments:
(1) Russell Crowe is actually not a boor in person. He is, at least in my experience, quite charming in his own rough way, and very generous with his time. Also refreshingly honest about the Hollywood movie machine without sounding bitter or spoiled. (I hate it when actors who make millions of dollars making their films talk about how HARD it is to be a film star. Freaking wah.)
(2) Whether there is a movie coming out or not, you MUST read the Lemony Snicket books. They're freaking brilliant, and way too entertaining.