As a horror movie fan, I've always been something of a masochist. I mean, I'll watch just about anything of the genre I can get my hands on - be it giant bugs, zombies, haunted house/ship/comet, or slasher - but the films that used to give me the biggest jolt were those that addressed two of my big childhood fears: sharks and vampires.
As far as sharks go, the first two Jaws movies are really all you've got to work with. "Shark Week" is good for a laugh, and Deep Blue Sea had its moments, but watching it I often found myself rooting for the sharks (especially to kill Saffron Burrows' dumbass character, who started the whole mess). I think most filmmakers realize that the first Jaws is pretty much impossible to top, which is why most shark attack movies made since 1975 tend to use stock shark footage (Shark Attack 3: Megalodon), or are such blatant rip-offs they're pulled from U.S. release (L'Ultimo Squalo).
Vampires, on the other hand, never go out of style.
My disdain for Anne Rice's vampire stylings is well-noted. As has been commented right here on this very blog, the emasculation of the classic bloodsucker goes back to (at least) Dark Shadows, continues through The Vampire Chronicles on up to the recently ended Buffy series. At least we were still treated to stuff like Blade and - love it or hate it - John Carpenter's Vampires to remind us that all bloodsuckers, without exception, must be destroyed.
Oh, and there's a remake of Stephen King's Salem's Lot coming out. Spoilers follow, usual disclaimer applies.
I saw the original Salem's Lot TV miniseries (directed by Tobe Hooper) before I actually read the book. I'm sure it initially caught my attention because Hutch was in it, but it did a good job scaring the bejeesus out of this particular pre-teen (and not just because I had nightmares about Danny Glick scratching on my bedroom window). I sought the book out soon after, and 20-odd years later it still ranks as one of the scariest I've ever read.
However, I did end up developing some annoyance with the TV-adaptation: why was Barlow made up to look like Nosferatu and not given any dialogue? What happened to Father Callahan's part? Why the hell couldn't it have been a theater release so Bonnie Bedelia could take off her clothes?
Anyway, the new version (shot in Australia) is set to air on TNT in June. Rob Lowe plays Ben Mears, Andre Braugher is teacher Matt Burke (a bit of a stretch), and James "Babe" Cromwell plays Father Callahan. Donald Sutherland and Rutger Hauer make up the Straker-Barlow tag team, which will amuse any fans of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Fangoria has the first review up, and it's a favorable one, although the bit about lightning quick, spider-walking vampires has me a mite leery.
And I'm not sure how keen I am on Ben Mears reinvented as something out of Vampire: The Masquerade.
This shot, which I assume is the scene where Callahan, Mark Petrie, and Jimmy Cody look on while Ben stakes Sue, looks a little better. Cody was practically a nonentity in the first miniseries, which was too bad since he's one of the best characters in the book.
We'll see. At this point, as long as nobody gets impaled with an American flag, as in the atrocious 1987 sequel, I'll be happy.
Is this a good time to dust off the vampire clowns screenplay I wrote five years ago?
The audience seems to be demanding it.
I dunno, if I were immortal but was only conscious at night, I don't see me gathering a lot of wisdom. I mean, have you *seen* the TV that's on when the sun goes down? Between Friends and 3 AM reruns of Golden Girls, after the second decade I'd probably be barking mad.
No, I think the real issue is that smart people just don't get turned into vampires. Smart people are too smart to go into that dark place all alone with no flashlight, no assault rifle and no steel choker for neck protection. The people who get turned into vampires are generally going to be your white trash and your ghetto hustlers. These people aren't geniuses to begin with, and I don't think undeath will cure that.
So, I don't see too many vampire home security systems happening. Probably the highest tech thing you'll get is tacky 3-D laser art, and that's unlikely because it's pretty reflective.
Any self respecting vampire in this day and age has Tivo, or WebTV, or something along those lines to address the dearth of quality late-night programing. That, or a pinball machine.
You have to wonder if vampires become stupider than the humans they used to be. You'd think that with unnaturally long life they would gather a whole lot of wisdom and be able to put that wisdom to use.
For instance, if a simple broken broom handle plunged into their chest kills them, why isn't every vampire on earth sporting a niffty kevlar vest?
Also, most vampires horde wealth like Warren Buffet. Why not put that wealth to good use by booby-trapping the hell out of your coffin. Maybe install a wireless surveilance system inside so you can tell who is poking around before you open the lid. And what's with these ridiculously small coffins? Why not have one custom made that you could fit a queen sized matress into?
Lastly, I think vampires would be a whole lot scarier if they dressed up as clowns once in a while.