Anyone care to hazard a guess as to the identity of this year's mystery Super Bowl entertainer?
HOUSTON (AP) -- Janet Jackson, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Kid Rock and Nelly apparently weren't enough for CBS' 12 1/2-minute Super Bowl halftime show.
Another act is poised join the MTV-produced extravaganza. Who that is will remain a mystery until the program, producers said Thursday.
My extremities are positively sweating in anticipation. Who could it possibly be? Britney? Doubtful, since she was there a few years ago. Same for Aerosmith, who everyone already knows were in town the other day doing a NASA promo ("Dream On," perhaps?). Chuck already spilled the beans about his collaboration with Chingy, so that's probably not it (and he's not exactly on the same superstar plateau as the aforementioned performers...Chingy, that is, not Chuck).
Could it be someone from the other side of the musical genre aisle, like a country artist? An animal act? Whats a fan of lip-synched, overproduced, bathroom break extravaganas to do?
Not to worry. APCB oddsmakers have been hard at work on the problem and have come up with the following possible scenarios. Most past performers (Tony Bennett, Diana Ross, James Brown, Christina Aguilera, *NSYNC, Shania Twain, etc.) have been excluded from consideration, so keep that in mind. Odds are provided for entertainment purposes only:
Billy Ray Cyrus - Has-been mulletheads used to be a staple of halftime entertainment (SB XXVIII's halftime theme was "Rockin' Country Sunday," after all), not this year. ODDS: 250 to 1
Kill the 1972 Miami Dolphins - I think even the NFL is getting tired of these smarmy fucks, so let this Sunday's halftime show feature the whole bunch getting mowed down by a water-cooled .30 cal. This is one of the few halftime events for which I might be tempted to stay out of the bathroom. For that reason, it'll never happen. ODDS: 500 to 1
Michael Jackson - They wouldn't be that crazy, would they? And wouldn't this violate his bond agreement? He performed in SB XXVII, anyway. ODDS: 750 to 1
New Kids on the Block - Can you say blockbuster comeback? And before anyone scoffs, remember it was a mere 10 years ago that Kris Kross played the pregame festivities. ODDS: 250 to 1
The Dixie Chicks - Ha ha. No. ODDS 1,000,000 to 1
Blue Man Group - Weird painted men playing homemade instruments to a crowd of 70,000 drunken goons. I can hear the crickets now. ODDS 150 to 1
The Doors - Meaning the new lineup, with Ian Astbury. Some may feel that these guys aren't exactly a football band. To those people, I would like to say, "Blues Brothers 2000" (Super Bowl XXXI). ODDS: 100 to 1
Rob Lowe and Snow White - Next to the '72 Dolphins Massacre, this is the one I most want to see. Lowe's probably a little antsy since The Lyon's Den got cancelled, anyway. ODDS 200 to 1
Eminem - Do Kid Rock and Marshall Mathers hate each other? How about P. Diddy and Marshall? I know this is supposed to be family entertainment, but most of the f-bombs can probably be cut from the playback. ODDS: 75 to 1
Toby Keith - This is more like it. Good old fashioned jingoism goes great with beer and football. Still, it might be a little jarring to switch cameras from Keith's flop-sweating ass to Ms. Jackson's six-pack. ODDS: 25 to 1
A Super Bowl Tribute to Gordon Lightfoot - Beyonce singing "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" would bring down the house. ODDS 350 to 1
John Mayer - Might be able to accomplish what SB XXVI's "Winter Magic" (featuring Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill) couldn't: put an entire Super Bowl audience to sleep. ODDS 50 to 1
Avril Lavigne - Say it ain't so, but she's been suspiciously out of the public eye in recent months. As Hans Christian Andersen once said, "I've got a bad feeling about this." ODDS 25 to 1
Outkast - These guys are a stone groove, man. Bring in that girl with the pigtails from the "Hey Ya" video and I might have to delay my halftime bathroom trek once again. ODDS 5 to 1
J-Lo - I think we have a winner. Check the facts: she recently broke up with B-Affle, and was spotted earlier this month with P-Diddy in Miami. Her strain of bland, inoffensive dance pop, liberally sprinkled with ass shaking, is just the thing a Super Bowl audience stoked by endless promos featuring the Coors Light twins will be craving. ODDS: 3 to 2
As always, any correct predictions will be trumpeted here on Monday. Incorrect ones will be ignored with extreme prejudice.
Have to agree about the '72 Dolphins, LOL. Always ate my lunch that the '85 Bears' only defeat was to the Dolphins, a fact my friend in vet school never let me live down. He seemed to like the irony.
My guess (to be ignored with extreme prejudice, as it's way off): Dan Patrick singing selected favorite covers from his latest CD release, "Sampling...Not Stealing". Odds: Google to 1.
You know, I don't think anyone can blame you failing to predict that Janet Jackson's Breast was the surprise guest.
We might blame you if you don't come up with a link to a high-quality video, though.
J-Lo was spotted shopping in the Galleria earlier today. I'm not sure how anybody spots her shopping because she gets them to close the store for her, but anyway. I gotta agree: it must be her.
Boy is this EVER gonna be a great halftime! I just can't wait to....oo look, shiny object.