A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Man, if this is happening here, I'd hate to think of what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land."

A member of the 101st Airborne stationed in the town of Hatra in Iraq realized last month he was in the area where William Friedkin's The Exorcist was shot. Interesting enough, but then comes this bit:

"And then the Army hatched this idea," [Exorcist director William] Friedkin continued, "to turn the whole area into a tourist attraction and call it 'The Exorcist Experience.'"

I don't know what's more disturbing: the idea of watching Friedkin's horror classic in order to unwind after a long day's patrolling, or this growing trend of horror-based attractions. Late last year, for example, it was reported that plans for a Dracula-based theme park outside Bucharest were back on track:

The park will include among other things a giant Dracula roller-coaster, catacombs and a house of horrors.

And to keep Romanians happy there will even be a PR makeover to make it clear that the legendary Vlad the Impaler was actually a brave defender of Christianity, and nothing like Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Vlad Tepes bravely defended Christianity by sticking merchants and boyars from his native Wallachia on giant spikes, and cutting off the genitals and breasts of "unchaste" women, among other things. There are no reports of him turning into a bat or drinking blood, however, so...whatever makes the Romanians happy.

Now, any mook can slap together a ride based on a movie or TV series (or vice versa, in Disney's case), but it takes stupendous gall and a certain brand of visionary genius to try and come up with an entire theme park based on the life of a brutal and/or insane despot.

Which is what I've decided to do. Several times.

If we accept the roughly 550 years since the end of Vlad the Imapler's reign as sufficient time to forgive a ruler his capricious nature or sadistic cruelty, then hold onto your hats for the coming torrent of tyrannical family destinations:

Roman Holiday World (Rome, Italy) - featuring
Caligula-La-Land: Where you can roll around in a Scrooge McDuck-sized pile of denari in the Gold Coin Room, just like the Roman bad boy himself. Bring your own horse for free admission and drink tickets.
and
Nero My God to Thee: Head over to Great Balls of Fire Island, an interactive exhibit where you'll start a conflagration and see how quickly you can blame it on a handy minority community (NOTE: a similar theme is also planned for the "Reichstag Round-Up" in the as-yet undeveloped Adolf Hitler park).

Juana de Loco Beach (Castile, Spain) - Each visitor will get their very own coffin to drag around with them as they traverse the park.

Anna of Saxony City (Breda, Germany)- Try your luck in the lightless Brick Room, where you can exchange hallucinations and ravings with your fellow park patrons. Nightly contests are held to see which drunken female guest can best ridicule their husband's sexual abilities.

Crazy Ivan's Terrible Thrill Zone (Moscow, Russia) - Test your strength with our variation on the Polar Bear Club, where you try to throw your "enemy" into freezing water. In historic Novgorod, visitors are given a spear and a torch and timed to see how fast they can sack the local visitor's center.

And coming soon...

Ludwig II's Bavarian Boogaloo (Fuessen, Germany) - Guests are given a box of Legos and a set amount of time in which to construct three castles. Failing that, they're declared insane.

Stalin: The Experience (Volgograd, Russia) - Ride the twin roller coasters Collectivization Cyclone and Purge 600K to victory over the imperalist running dogs (NOTE: actual dogs not allowed in S:TE).

Maodievel Times (Beijing, China) - Take the Great Leap tram to Cultural Revolution Waterpark. Your Little Red Book of coupons is good at all area gift shops.

Pol Pot Gardens (Angkor Wat, Cambodia) - Where every year is Year Zero! Celebrate the rejection of Western social institutions with an S-21 badge, a complimentary bowl of rice, and your very own prop AK-47. Wear contact lenses.

I think I need a shower...