The interior decorators are once again at the gate, it would seem, And if the sentinels of decency weren't already yammering in panicked tongues about the Massachusetts Supreme Court striking down a ban on gay marriages, they're certainly waiting in beatific anticipation for the city of San Francisco to be consumed in holy fire in retaliation for allowing thousands of same-sex couples to marry in the past days.
I wrote about the Massachusetts ruling already. Unfortunately, this was before Britney Spears' sanctified heterosexual Vegas wedding, which would've given me even more ammo. Curiously, there was nary a peep from groups like Campaign for Calfornia Families or any of the other wholesome organizations lining up to protect the institution of marriage when Ms. Spears and wozname got their annulment a day later. I'll stand by my earlier assertion that if they really wanted to put their money where their mouths are they'd move to criminalize divorce. I suspect that might hit a little close to home for some of the faithful, however.
Because I'm a lover, not a fighter, I felt it was high time to try and put the minds of our bigoted assholes misguided brethren at ease by pointing out a few simple facts:
1. The legalization of gay marriage will not invalidate your Biblically-sanctioned union. Only you and the babysitter can do that.
2. You will not be required to let your partner put anything in your anus, unless such penetration occurs "accidentally" during the course of normal, procreative sex, of course.
3. Your children, upon seeing two men (or women) holding hands, will not be struck by an overhwleming desire to listen to Bronski Beat (boys) or the Indigo Girls (girls).
4. Mary Cheney and Candace Gingrich will not turn into pillars of salt. Quit asking.
5. That tingly feeling you experienced upon seeing those two well-muscled young men strolling arm in arm through the Gap will only increase in frequency as more couples emerge. Relax, it's just Jesus testing you.
6. Once gay marriage is legalized, you may want to read the fine print on future "swingers parties" invitations, so as to avoid any unexpected surprises in the "group grope" room.
Hope this helps.
Dear Perfectly Cromulent Forum:
I never thought strange and exotic adventures of this sort ever happened in real life - until it happened to me! I was standing in line at the semi-annual St. Falwell Come to Jesus Bruncheon when she caught my eye: six feet of close-cropped butch feminism, resplendent in tie-dye and timberline boots. We necked behind the ice sculpture of John Birch. I experienced a strange tingly sensation!
Next thing I knew we were standing arm-in-arm on the steps of the state capitol. "Yes! commit to me! yes! YES!" I cried, the passion to unify in the eyes of society and God growing white-hot in my loins. As the State Comptroller declared us spouse and spouse, the entire world exploded in an earth-shaking paroxysm of self-actualization!
Well, now we're setting down roots and taking out a mortgage on a nice bungalow on the Russian River. Maybe we'll adopt!
Sincerely,
Anita Bryant
I'm still unclear as to biblical basis of the christan right's objection. The bible says to do or not do lots of stuff that people frequently disregard, like working on sunday. I suppose fundamentalists who literally follow every part of the bible are exempt from my accusations of hypocrasy, but its seems pretty much everyone else picks and chooses the passages that they follow, and attempt to impose on others. Yet, if Congress attempted to make working on sunday illegal do you think these same zealots would support that proposal with the same ferocity with which they oppose gay marriage? Of course not. And there in lies rub.
Even assuming the chirstian right is correct - that gay marraiges are against God's will - let God met out the punishment. Who are we to pretend to know what God wants? As a good Catholic my job is to live MY OWN life as best I can in accordance with Jesus' teachings. If my interpretation is wrong, that's my problem. Christ did not teach us that people were supposed to go around forcing each other to do stuff. His teachings were all about love and tolerance for all people, especially those rejected by society. So to those who attempt to legislate against gay marriage, I say stop pretending to know what God wants and practice a little more of what we know Jesus taught.
Furthermore, there is a separation of church and state for a reason. Religion alone should never be the basis for legislating for or against anything; laws should reflect our Nation's collective social norms. And since an active minority of the population has shown a desire to sanctify their gay relationships, those social norms ought to be recognized. (Sheesh, its not like they harming anyone). I also believe that a *real* democracy should protect the rights of any minority against the norms du jour of the majority. The US Supreme Court has ruled that the right to marry is an implied fundamental constitutional right that we all have. Therefore, the law ought to protect it for everyone. Even the homos...
if they really wanted to put their money where their mouths are they'd move to criminalize divorce They're working on it.
quote: "Who are we to pretend to know what God wants...Christ did not teach us that people were supposed to go around forcing each other to do stuff." -- Denny
Sorry, bucko, but you're obviously out of the loop, or you're listening to the wrong Christ.
I know what the King of Kings wants, because He speaks to me all the time. Taking the form of a glowing three-toed sloth, the Big JC (he likes to be called that) tells me to dress in a muumuu and annoint myself in the blood of the wicked (meaning "everyone else") while listening to vintage lps of polka king Myron Floren. And if you think I'm lying, just ask my buddy Chuck "Wild Man" Manson--he'll back me up.
Justin, did you stop taking your Haldol?
I don't HAVE to take it any more...the Sactified Sloth Son did a laying-on-of-claws.
Jesus--He's not just for lepers anymore.
Maybe we'll all get lucky here and Ralph Reed will jump into the comment pit. Until the opponents of gay marriage can demonstrate that heterosexual marriages are the ultimate in stability, understanding, tolerance and patience - - none of us should listen.
I'd bet that half of the heteros I know hate being married anyway. Maybe the homosexuals can teach us something
I, for one, love being married. At least, that's what my wife tells me!
This highly happy h-fest is held in honour of rammer and punctilious. :) H is for homosexual happiness. Bring it!! H is for honestly, this is the truth behind the advertising and marketing world. And damn it's FUNNY! H is......
| --Posted to DramaQueen on Feb 20, 2004 1:56 AM:. |
Personally I wish we could get some people in office who would stand up for equality. It seems so obvious to me - why do people like bush have such a hard time with it?
That post is so hype, you should change your name to Perfectly Crizz-nomulent Blog.
And that fine print isn't enforceable, I checked with Jim Adler, the Tough Smart Lawyer.