The Thing That Walks Like a Man knows my affinity for all things zombie, which is why he felt it of critical importance to notify me of this article in Wired:
Soldiers' moms will no doubt be horrified. But the Pentagon is looking into ways for GIs to fight for up to five days -- without eating a single meal.
During a mission, soldiers in the field typically don't have the time, or the inclination, to chow down. That lack of food can affect their battlefield performance. So Darpa, the U.S. military's far-out research arm, wants scientists to figure out if soldiers can operate at top levels -- without lunch breaks.
"The question is: 'Are there temporary biochemical approaches we can use to squeeze the last ounce of performance out of soldiers when they're already worked to exhaustion?'" said a Darpa life sciences consultant, who asked not to be named.
I'll bet he did. He probably remembers what happened to the guy who started SkyNet in T2. You bet your ass if I survive the coming zombie soldier apocalypse, I'll be sending someone back in time to drop a couple pounds of C4 down Darpa's air vents.
The agency has a couple of ideas on how this might be done: A cocktail of nutrients or so-called "nutraceuticals" could help build endurance. Lowering soldiers' core body temperature might keep them from overheating. Or, perhaps, the change could be made at the microscopic level, by turbo-charging mitochondria -- the cell's energy suppliers.
Or why not just animate dead grunts, a la Universal Soldier? How about recruiting the downed pilots from the "B-17" segment of Heavy Metal? They'd be especially motivated to fight, as their very survival would depend on how many enemies they could defeat and devour.
Maybe the Pentagon could research what spell Mickey Mouse cast in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" that reanimated pieces of broom. Then they'd really only need one soldier to start with.
The Darpa project, called "Metabolic Dominance" or "peak soldier performance," is part of a wider, future-facing Pentagon research push to develop grunts who are pretty much immune to normal human demands. The agency has sunk millions into programs to reduce the need for sleep and is investigating ways to keep injured GIs pulling the trigger for days on end -- without help from a medic.
Why do I keep thinking of that Bloom County strip with the "giant space laser Frisbees?"
But enough of these Pentagon maniacs, their minds are obviously addled by their bloated wallets. Surely some respected scientists can impart some sanity onto these proceedings?
"What this seems to be asking for is fantastic in every sense of the word," said Marion Nestle, the former chair of NYU's department of nutrition, food studies and public health in an e-mail message. "Calories are calories, laws of thermodynamics still operate, and humans are still human. I think they should use robots."
No, you fool! That's just what the robots want!
Finally, Darpa simply wants to find ways to control hunger. And the agency is looking at nutraceuticals, natural products and traditional nutritional supplements to give the body what it requires when there's no food around.
These components of Metabolic Dominance, at least, are more in line with ongoing Pentagon research to supply soldiers' nutritional needs more efficiently.
I was half expecting someone to recommend brains.
Delicious brains.
I think it would be easier to just train junkies and wine-os to shoot guns accuratley. Those guys frequently goes days without eating (or bathing). I frequently see such individuals with "will work for food" signs. Maybe Donald Rumsfeld drive around the country taking some of them up on that offer. Just think: low-cost, expanded and augmented military capabilities AND a way to reintegrate the homeless back into our productive, tax-paying society.
Now THAT'S compassionate conservatism.
This researcher highlights the major problem with looking for a drug solution to a human limitation.
When you rest, sleep, eat, or take a break, you're not just wasting time (although you may be doing that). You're allowing the subconscious part of the brain to make sense of the preceding time events. That's why, while it's possible to go without sleep for days, your thinking gets increasingly disorganized and ineffective. Failure to respect these rest breaks for the brain leds to a deteriorated performance. That's the real reason that speed and cocaine cause the personal chaos in the person taking them. They don't allow for the needed "nothing" time.
Down time has a purpose.
After performing my own double-blind and unbiased scientific study at great taxpayer expense, I have determined that each American soldier should be issued one (1) Snickers bar. Exhaustive laboratory testing has revealed that consumption of Snickers brand candy/food substance Really Satisfies You. Furthermore, when placed in simulalated combat situations, Hungry soldiers preferred to Grab a Snickers over Grabbing a Live Grenade by an amazing 3:1 margin.
Based on this research, the Pentagon has arranged to procure sufficient Snickers bars to fuel our super-soldiers at a cost of only $49.20 per unit. Now that's fighting -- and eating -- smart!