I don't remember when I signed up for the Andy Sidaris mailing list, much like I can't really recall when I found his web page (given the apparent level of HTML coding skill involved, it could've been anywhere from 1996 on). News coming out of the Sidaris camp is usually pretty slim, and the last few notices have been nothing but reminders that Hard Ticket to Hawaii is airing on TV in the near future.
There's a link to Sidaris over there on the right. At first, I kept it up as a joke, but lately I've developed a grudging respect for the man, who went from directing Olympics coverage and Monday Night Football for ABC to toiling (if making movies filled with ex-Playmates can properly be termed such) away in relative B-movie obscurity while guys like Roger Corman and Russ Meyer have become exploitation legends.
I first stumbled upon the works of the distinguished auteur back in the 1980s, probably during a bout of inebriated late night channel surfing. I'm reasonably sure the first movie I came across was 1987's Hard Ticket to Hawaii, in which former Playmates Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton, agents of the mysterious...Agency, intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a Hawaiian drug lord. Being a teenager, I was especially susceptible to Sidaris' beguiling mixture of breasts, guns, explosions, and utterly ridiculous plot and dialogue. It was like an R-rated T.J. Hooker. I spoke to no one of my shameful experience the next morning, though the director's name stuck in my head. Certainly this was a talent worth watching.
Sidaris followed me through college (the years I had cable TV, that is). Films like Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach were unavoidable if you were ever subscribed to the preimum packages. I, in turn, followed him through the early days - when Roberta Vasquez replaced Carlton as Speir's partner - through the directorial efforts of son Christian Drew Sidaris (the adventures of "Chris Cannon"), and on to the rise of Julie Strain and Shae Marks through the ranks of L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law). I can tell you that a different Abilene brother was featured up until Savage Beach, when Shane became the Abilene of choice. I can also tell you Sidaris' first movie (Malibu Express) didn't feature agents Donna and Taryn, but did have the first RV vs. helicopter battle in movie history.
Plot rarely gets in the way of Sidaris' movies. Sure, there's usually something in there about Confederate gold, or giant rubber snakes, or bad guys played by Erik Estrada, but one can always rest easy knowing it'll only be a few more minutes until the next hot tub scene. He's a man who knows his limitations.
Big, bodacious limitations.
To my knowledge, none of Sidaris' 12 films (released through his companies, Malibu Bay and Skyhawks Films) have ever seen the inside of a theater, which is too bad (and makes me wonder if the Alamo might be up for a career retrospective). His audience is the same shameful demographic I once occupied: pathetic, possibly intoxicated, single guys with nothing better to do at 1:30 in the morning but pass out in front of the TV (and too cheap to pay for actual porn). There must be a lot of us, because the DVD boxed set of Andy's first six movies is for sale on his web site. And for the low, low price of *snicker* $69.95.
All mocking aside, Sidaris has become successful enough through the "bullets, bombs, and babes" genre to more or less retire, content to hang back and reap the profits from his memoirs. I figure I'll stay on the mailing list, if only to give Andy's wife Arlene someone to send her "SAVAGE BEACH ON CINEMAX AGAIN" messages. And maybe Julie Strain will notice my address on there and tell me how she's always wanted to meet me.
Roberta Vasquez is still the hotness. Not that I've seen any recent pictures of her or anything; I'll deny that. Nor have I, in fact, seen any pictures of her ever. In any magazines or movies. At all. Roberta Who?
I don't know the exact number but I do know some of Sedaris' works made it to the theater. My introduction to his canon of work (and his actress' cannons) was a film review in our paper for "Picasso Trigger". The name caught my attention and the blonde, partially spilling out of her partial Body Glove suit, held it.
I always enjoyed the way Auteur Andy would blow up helicopters in order to justify his ex-Playmates' need to go hot-tubbing. The only difference between Sidaris and Joe Eszterhas is that Andy never couched his brand of illiberality as high art. Cleavage and carnage will forever be enmeshed in my mind's eye.
I thought "Cleavage and Carnage" was the real name of every RPG.
And to think, all this time I thought you had cable for the educational channels.