Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to a daughter, and saddled her with a rather unfortunate name:
LONDON - Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to her first child, a daughter called Apple, a spokesman said today.
Paltrow, 31, and her British husband Chris Martin, 27, lead singer of the band Coldplay, said they were "ecstatic" after the baby was delivered on Friday following a long labor at a London hospital.
I don't know how much input Martin had in the naming process, but something expecting fathers should always take into consideration is a moniker other kids can't easily make fun of. The youngest Paltrow can look forward to "Crapple," "Rotten Apple," "Fritter," and whatever else her cruel classmates can come up with.
Which will be ten times worse if she ends up going to one of those snotty British private schools.
"We are 900 miles over the moon," the couple said in a statement released by Martin's spokesman Murray Chalmers.
Chalrmers quickly followed up this statement with, "And due to the parents' sudden death from lack of oxygen, the now orphaned child will be raised by her maternal grandmother."
"900 miles over the moon?" That's just silly.
Apple Martinis are girlie drinks.
"Apple" is a perfectly cromulent name.
Besides, given her parents, she's most likely to be a stone fox, and who's going to make fun of her name then?
You misspelled, "given her parents, she's most likely to be a pale, homely beanpole with bad teeth and no discernible fashion sense."
The name is pretty lame. Has Gwyneth Paltrow converted to being a Brit (like Madonna) and in so doing lost all fact of the producer George Martin, Apple Music and The Beatles connection. Chris Martin should have known better.
As a fellow Apple, I can say this. My last name is APPLEGATE. As a last name, it's fine. As a first name, that is just asking for an arse-kicking on the merry ole playground at tea time.
Cheers!