Wouldn't be much of a cromulent blog if I didn't comment on this:
A Simpsons toon is coming out of the closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Speaking during a weekend panel at San Diego's Comic-Con convention, show producers dropped a bomb: An upcoming Simpsons story line will focus on what happens when Springfield legalizes gay marriage.
"We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalizes gay marriage," producer Al Jean told comic book fans. "Homer becomes a minister by going on the Internet and filling out a form. A longtime character comes out of the closet, but I'm not saying who."
And with that, Simpsons aficionados got their gaydar on and began winnowing down the list of potential suspects.
The early favorite appears to be billionaire Monty Burns' ever-devoted sidekick, Waylon Smithers, who--aside from being a yes-man--has been known to collect Malibu Stacy dolls, lives in the gay part of town (where Homer once shacked up with two gay guys), has a Mr. Burns screensaver and dreams of a naked Mr. Burns jumping out of a birthday cake.
But that might be too easy. According to online fan scuttlebutt, there are other characters who might be secretly having a gay old time in Springfield, including Homer's regular-guy cohorts at the nuclear plant, Carl and Lenny, as well as Moe the bartender, the Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy. Of course, the producers didn't rule out a lesbian wedding, either.
We'll cover those the article mentions first...
It's not Smithers. Smithers only has eyes for Mr. Burns who, as we know from his courting Marge's mom and Snake's ex Gloria (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), seems to have an eye for the ladies. Besides, it's much too obvious. Odds: 15 to 1
Carl and Lenny? Lenny's the one with the serious man-love for Carl, and while I don't know how much of that is shared by the Mr. Carlson, he did fly in on a helicopter to save him from a burning oil well. I seriously doubt any of my hetero lifemates would do the same for me. Odds: 6 to 1
Moe has a long history of failed relationships, most of which never lasted more than the time it took for him to make his opening line (Collette the waitress in Season 3), though he did date Renee (Helen Hunt) until he ran out of money. Odds: 20 to 1
There's never been any hint that the long-married Reverend Lovejoy harbors homosexual tendencies. Doesn't mean he's off limits, but it's a long shot. Odds: 50 to 1
Seymour is repressed, but recently proposed to Mrs. Krabapple. Groening and company could use his military background to play on the whole "gays in the military" angle, but I kind of doubt it. And there is the whole mommy issue thing. Odds: 25 to 1
Finally, the Comic Book Guy may be a geek, but he's all about the females. He had a shared moment with a fellow (double-X chromosome) geek over a water-damaged stack of Little Lulus, downloads naked Captain Janeway porn, and was almost seduced by Lucy Lawless. And who can forget the horrible spectacle of seeing him in bed with Agnes Skinner? Odds: 75 to 1
UPDATE: Oh, and I don't think it's Ned Flanders, as some of you in the comments are suggesting. The last big Simpsons "event" was Maude's death, which would make the potential outing of Ned a pretty boring proposition. Could he be repressing his true feelings due to years of piety and spanking therapy? Perhaps, but he also nailed Hollywood starlet Sara Sloane (Marisa Tomei) in Season 14. Hardly the act of a man about to switch teams.
Anyway, click below for more worthless speculation.
Both Patty and Selma have their intimacy issues, and both have the hots for MacGyver. Patty doesn't like to be touched, but did date Principal Skinner for a time. Selma has been married to Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure, and Sideshow Bob, which would seem to make her a serial heterosexual monogamist. There are several references to Patty having been either born a man or presently being a man, however, and both were shown on the "Still in the Closet" float a couple seasons back. Patty's definitely a strong contender. Odds: 5 to 1
Who else? Captain McAllister has alluded to resorting to homosexuality at sea, though he did participate in the Springfield Bachelor Auction (as did Hans Moleman). Plus, he married a man to a cow in international waters (thereby proving Rick Santorum's theory on homosexual marriage leading to bestiality?). Odds: 10 to 1
Ms. Hoover? Unmarried, but dated Apu. Could be perfect for Patty, however. Odds: 15 to 1
Otto? Metal dudes are never gay. Just ask Rob Halford. Plus he's married. Odds: 25 to 1
Groundskeeper Willy? Unlikely, I seem to recall an episode where he made out with an equally unattractive Scottish female. And he dated Sherry Bobbins. Odds: 30 to 1
I think we can probably rule out most of the school kids, though Martin is notoriously fey. And the Love-O-Matic did say Kearney was gay.
Barney's been on several failed dates, but (and you'll pardon the stereotyping) he's probably too slovenly to be gay. Odds: 35 to 1
It won't be Apu, who went through an oat sowing phase before settling down and having septuplets with Manjula. Odds: 75 to 1
Chief Wiggum: married. Further, it probably wouldn't be very funny. Odds: 50 to 1
Mayor Quimby: Oh please. Odds: 100 to 1
Krusty the Clown? Interesting. He fathered a child during the Gulf War, but has never really been attached to any other woman romantically (though there was the "Look at those magumbos" comment). And he seems to share a special bond with Sideshow Mel. He's my dark horse. Odds: 12 to 1
Channel 6 anchor Kent Brockman has a daughter and was, at one point, married. Doesn't mean a lot, however. Odds: 25 to 1
Bumblebee Man is married and seems like a normal straight guy. Who happens to constantly wear a bee costume. Odds: 75 to 1
Dr. Nick has been AWOL for the better part of the last few seasons. That alone is reason enough to remove him from consideration. Odds: 35 to 1
Professor Frink has hooked up with a female assistant and a cocktail waitress after Mesmerino turned him into a makeout artist. Odds: 40 to 1
Sideshow Bob is another one of those "never been seen with a woman" types (his homicidal marriage to Selma doesn't count), but he's not enough of a regular character to make him a worthwhile choice. Odds: 35 to 1
I suppose it could be Fat Tony, but that's a stretch. He isn't on the show much, and the idea kind of runs counter to the manly mobster stereotype. Odds: 50 to 1
This whole time-waster of an exercise assumes, of course, that anything resembling normal continuity is followed. Besides, aren't Kang and Kodos already married? Does that count?
Since I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to be something fairly obvious (Lenny and Carl are worrying me), I'll go with an essentially left field prediction: DuffMan - who I feel certain is hiding his true feelings behing that party hardy attitude, and Handsome Pete, who dances for nickels. Or maybe Poochie.
And there's always Homer's cousin Frank, who later became cousin Francene and is now Mother Shabooboo.
Who'd I leave out?
Ned Flanders is the one.
Trust me.
Look at the moustache. Look at the neatness.
Pete, my oddsmaker says a remarkable 4 to 1, but you are the offical handicapper.
I'd have to eliminate Krusty from my list of possibilities. There is a lot going on with our fair Klown that would be overshadowed by this new angle to his personality. I think it would make him needlessly complicated.
I like the idea of Flanders, if only for the self-hating guilt that he would bring to the picture. However, the idea that they will be presenting this "outing" as part of the gay marriage episode indicates that there will be a clear love-interest that is beyond the courting stage. I don't know that Flanders would work that quickly.
I hope it isn't as obvious as Smithers or Patty. Although, thinking the Smithers angle through to its logical conclusion, if it were Burns, it would certainly be believable to have a wedding that quickly.
I'll go with Burns.
I'm with you peenman. I think Ned's the one. Now who would he be paired with, that is the more interesting question?
I always had the impression that Kodos was a woman. I believe a Simpsons comic had a version of 'Friends' cast entirely with Kang and Kodos, and Kodos took all the female parts.
Milhouse is an obvious candidate for being queer, but not likely a candiate for a gay wedding. Lessin' Springfield's laws on the age of consent are radically differnet than most.
Grandpa is too hetero, but a central persona on the show, so you never no. Total long shot there.
Mrs. Lovejoy would be an ironic twist, as well as some not-so-sublte political commentary. However, she'd have to divorce first the Rev. first, which I don't see happening.
If only Troy McClure were still around. He'd be my front-runner. That fish fetish of his had to evolve from something less bizzare.
Dr. Hibert is extremely doubtful. But, again, a central persona, so who knows...
Drederick Tatum anyone? He's single.
There is the teenager that works every minimum wage job in Springfield. Though, he has been seen with a woman on his arm in at least 1 episode I can think of.
The one-armed arms dealer/friend of Grampa could be gay. Surounding one's self with that many weapons, he's got to be repressing something.
I think the most logical candidate is the Simpson's once-upon-a-time female neighbor, turned chick body builder. The Thelma and Louise episode had her spending a little too much time with Marge. She is unhappily divorced. And the body builder thing just seems like some sort of butch expression of penis envy. I could see her hooking up with a more desparate than ever Ms. K. or Patti.
Though, the easy money is on Lenny and Carl.
Alternatively, the writers will have Orlando Bloom/Legolas on the show and he'll enter into a gay mairrage. Possibly to Wayne Dolchifino.
Dammit, Denny, it's Wayne DOLCEFINO. You have to spell it right or Google won't grab it.
Still, I salute your efforts to link the name of Wayne Dolcefino together with gay marriage in Google searches. And while we're on the subject, Wayne Dolcefino gay marriage Santorum diaper fetish.
That whole continuity thing is a sticky wicket. Prof. Frink was married with a kid at one point, and Lenny and Carl have both made references to (albiet unseen) wives on an occasion or two.
My vote is for Mr. Teeny.
Ah, but recall that Lenny confessed to Marge that he'd been lying about having a wife for years.
Lenny talked to the Listen Lady about lying to Carl about being married. As for Carl, I only remember him referring to having a family to feed in one episode, which could mean anything.
But you're right, the writers are well past the point where anything they do is going to jibe with past storylines.
My bets:
Lunch Lady Doris has never seemed fully hetero to me, but that could just be her cafeteria worker charm.
Gil, who could use a change of luck.
Artie Ziff, who's been spurned by Marge enough times to turn to the other side.
Frankly my money is on Lunch Lady Doris (not that we've seen her much in recent years).
That's the couch swing mark II. The last one started to disintegrate on us (and it had started to really stink) and so we had to build a new one.
Do I really need to tell you that when a character on The Simpsons is going to be coming out......
| --Posted to Off the Kuff on Jul 28, 2004 9:18 PM:. |
Itchy or Scratchy? Otto the bus driver? Mayor Quimby?
OKAY I GOT IT!! McBain!!
There's a post on a Simpsons message board from someone who was at the SDCC and talked with Matt Groening. It's not real clear in his post if Groening told him, but the guy on the board says it's Patty.
http://p216.ezboard.com/fthesimpsonscommunity71818frm11.showMessage?topicID=9458.topic&index=739
If like many Americans you view the happenings on The Simpsons as much more consequential to your life than anything going on at a party convention or in Pakistan, you might be interested to know that the show is apparently......
| --Posted to Bloodless Coup on Jul 29, 2004 8:25 PM:. |
This round-up of links from around the blogosphere promises to be completely Democratic Convention free*: Blogs Via Paul comes some handy first time blogging hints from a first time blogger. Andrew Sullivan is having another pledge drive to raise money......
| --Posted to Simon World on Jul 30, 2004 2:45 AM:. |
A Perfectly Cromulent Blog has odds posted for which Simpsons character will be coming out of the closet. There's pretty good analysis there but there's one glaring problem - no Duff Man. That's right, the hidden gay character in the Simpsons is none o......
| --Posted to Snooze Button Dreams on Jul 30, 2004 9:40 AM:. |
Hans Moleman.
In the 'Moe Gets a New Face' episode:
Hot chick in bartending contest: You said if I slept with you I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things. Oh!
I'm confused. I don't think it could be Marge's sisters. Aren't they hermaphrodites?
Sorry, it can't be Kodos or Kang; they're sisters. Then again, maybe Kodos and Kang can get some wierd lesbo thing going with Patty and Selma.
Actually, I think Smithers was outed earlier in the series. Remember when Marge and the kids were eating lunch with John, the owner of the Kitsch store and Smithers walked by their table, looked at John and said, "So this is your mother from Kansas City (or someplace)"? John said, "Don't do this to me Waylon."
Jeez, I've gotta get a life! No one should know this much about any T.V. show!
Why could it not be one of Marge's sisters that comes out?