A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

I'm going to tell you what I like on hot dogs. You're going to laugh at me. I don't care. I'm not advocating this because it's weird; I'm advocating this because it's good.

I generally only have hotdogs at cookouts. I almost never have them at ballgames, although I have been known to fall prey to the chili cheesedog from time to time, especially when I'm not in the mood to circulate blood through my veins. At cookouts, on the other hand, hotdogs can be found in abundance alongside the hamburgers. I only like rare hamburgers, so when other people are doing the cooking, the burgers are generally overdone and I have to have a hotdog.

I sneak a hotdog onto a bun, look around to make sure nobody is watching, sidle over to where the burgers are, and drip a little A-1 steaksauce onto it. Not a lot! just a little.

Then, still ensuring that nobody is paying attention, I sneak over to where the chips and dips are. And I get a huge amount of guacamole, and I freakin' pile it on. I then retreat to some quiet, out of the way spot where I will not be mocked, and I enjoy my guac-dog.

I don't know what this says about my personality, but it can't be good.

I shudder to think of the destructive potential a corn dog could wreak on mankind.

Your selection of A-1 merely accentuates your disdain for your fellow man, as no one but a true sociopath would find joy in using an upscale concoction like steak sauce for their dog.

Guacamole, however, is a more sinister choice, as it obviously demonstrates your sympathy for avocado growers. Where do the best avocados come from? Chile. And so did Pinochet. Your admission that you "freakin' pile it on" is undoubtedly a metaphor for your support of his junta's oppressive regime. Take your insidious fascism, and your hatred of freedom, and beat it.

I'm largely ambivalent on the subject of corn dogs, however. On one hand, there are a limited number of useable toppings. One the other, any foodstuff that leaves you with a potentially deadly weapon afterwards is all right by me.

Sauerkraut is properly used only on bratwurst, as all right-thinking people know 8)

'Take your insidious fascism, and your hatred of freedom, and beat it.'

Wait a second -- are you saying I'm a conservative or a liberal? You can't have it both ways!

(Well, I guess you can -- it's your blog. Oh well, pass the catsup.)

Tomato slices on hot dogs? Yes, it does happen; I've witnessed it during my sojourn in Chicago. Probably another reason I'm not all that fond of the Windy City myself.

Corn dogs are an example of the rennfest food group "food onna stick" (the five rennfest food groups are 'fried', frozen, 'booze', 'turkey legs', and 'food onna stick'. The holy grail of Rennfest foodmongers is to be able to make a fried turkeyleg daquiri).

Ginger reminds me that there are "pancake dogs" as well, for people who want sweetened corn dogs made from bisquick.

however, what I'm curious about (other than "who eats pancake dogs?") is what it means if you use hot dogs as an ingredient in other foods. If you slice up hot dogs and add them to spaghetti sauce, for instance, does this say anything about your character?

If you slice up hot dogs and add them to spaghetti sauce, for instance, does this say anything about your character?

Oh yes.

Myself, I'm a hot dog purist. Some sort of bright yellow, very sharp-flavored mustard (none of that Grey Poupon stuff); maybe a little pickle relish but never enough to cover up the mustard flavor.

Did I mention the dogs I eat are veggie? some of 'em even made of tofu? ;^)

Barbecue sauce.

I recall reading a story in a scientific journal about a decade ago that equated hot dog consumption with, um, "reduced mental capacity."

I'm sketchy on the details since it's been a long while, but the study was conducted at day cares, where hot dogs seem to be, along with Kool Aid, one of the staple foods. Children that consumed more than X servings of hot dogs per week were, um, "not as bright," as those who didn't. The results were worse for those that often had hot dogs at home.

The author(s) realized that there were all kinds of variables--socio-economic factors being at the top of the list--for that kind of conclusion, and they certainly weren't done with their research.

But their hypothesis was good enough for me, and I've been pretty much Scared Straight from coneys ever since. I do confess to splurging for the occasional movie dog, however, especially if it's a big cinematic event, like the upcoming "Anacondas: Curse of the Blood Orchid."

There must be a point to vegetarian dogs, I just can't figure out what it is. "Hey, I want the same great ambiguous taste and vaguely disquieting texture as an actual meat dog, but without all the rodent hairs?"

I know all about you BBQ sauceheads, however. You seem normal enough, even though your choice of a little Bobby Flay's would seem to declare to the whole world that you're on the edge, even if it's that sort of safe edge where no one gets any unorthodox piercings.

In reality, people who put BBQ sauce on their dogs are the same types who sign petitions to keep Touched by an Angel on the air and think Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" actually is.

At home, I'm a mustard/ketchup/relish type. The local frozen custard/hot dog restaurant, however, offers a hot dog with sauerkraut, thousand island dressing and shredded swiss cheese, and I drool just thinking about it.

The basic point behind a vegetarian dog is really a sad, but necessary one. As you yourself mentioned, there are some people that simply can't resist the siren's call of these offensive little foodstuffs. The problem is that some of us who can't resist this call have sworn off the eating of flesh of any kind. Those of us who find ourselves in such a conundrum are known, from time to time, to attempt an assuaging of this insidious urge through sad and pathetic methods like eating a tofu pup. If prepared correctly, they taste ALMOST like a real dog, and can muffle that siren's call for a short while. (Especially useful when said person lives in NYC and passes the insidiously good-smelling hot dog vendors on the streets on a daily basis. Curse them and their intoxicating smelling pig flesh!)

Of course, the first thing you realize when you partake in your first tofu pup is that your discussion about condiments is incredibly apropos, as the condiments are really what most people taste when they eat a hot dog. Pile on enough mustard and relish, and who really KNOWS if it's a meat dog or a tofu dog under there? It's really the excuse to eat the condiments that most hot dog eaters are after.

The local frozen custard/hot dog restaurant, however, offers a hot dog with sauerkraut, thousand island dressing and shredded swiss cheese, and I drool just thinking about it.

Most delis/sandwich shops in your area will probably make you something similar using real meat called a "reuben" that tastes much better.

Reuben dog...that's a new one.

Hot dogs are the food of the gods. Yes, I know what they're made of. No, I really don't care. Quit reminding me.

When asked to describe what heaven is like, I usually involve a baseball stadium with unlimited hot dogs and an endless condiment bar. (Okay, and the hot dogs vendors are usually Hooters girls who all look like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Britney Spears, but I digress.)

What do I put on hot dogs? What don't I put on them. Mustard? Check. (The spicy brown kind is far preferable, but yellow will do in a pinch.) Pickle relish? Check. Raw onions? Check. BBQ sauce? That too. Sauerkraut? Yep. Add on some of those spict sandiwch peppers, and now you're talking!

In other news, I would like to announce that I will have a fatal heart attack on September 21, 2004 at 4:43 pm.

Mustard at the ballparks, chili cheese dogs - with onions - at home. Thank $deity Tiffany likes chili cheese dogs (yes, even before she was pregnant).

The holy grail of Rennfest foodmongers is to be able to make a fried turkeyleg daquiri

You mean a fried turkeyleg daquiri onna stick, right? Or is a turkeyleg considered a subgroup of "onna stick" foods?

I've never been big on plain ol' hot dogs. Give me a Polish dog and a frost-cold beer, however, and you'll see a happy man. (Lots of spicy mustard, diced onions, a tiny bit of 'kraut is what I like).

Strictly going off which Perfectly Cromulent Entries generate the most comments, it seems that people come to this blog mostly to speculate on the Simpsons and talk about wieners.

Of course, this is misleading. This blog is mostly about sharks and zombies.

"A Perfectly Cromulent Blog: Come for the Zombies, Stay for the Wieners."

That just doesn't sound good.

It might work if you were shooting for the gay necromancer crowd.

kraut, spicy mustard, onions, sweet relish and...

Jalepenos.

might I add that Max Sandlin is in the middle of an online hot dog fundraiser right now:

http://www.sandlinforcongress.com/index2.php?p=25

If you slice up hot dogs and add them to spaghetti sauce, for instance, does this say anything about your character?

Oh yes.

So, if I, um have a friend, who does that, what does it mean about them?

Your "friend" is sublimating his transsexual longings into culinary pursuits. This is harmless, as long as he doesn't start adding frankfurters to foodstuffs that don't traditionally include meat, such as ice cream. Or beer.

but without all the rodent hairs?

You nailed it, Pete! :-) Hmm, come to think of it, who's to say there aren't hairs in the veggie dogs as well... at least the hairs presumably didn't come from a dead animal!

Amy speaks for me on this one. I've been a sprout-eater for about 22 years, but based on my fading memories from my first 34 years, some of the veggie hot dogs are pretty darned good facsimiles of the meat variety. And as Amy says, the condiments do a great job of covering the minimal difference in flavor and texture. Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it! Don't forget, though, lots of mustard...

Several ex-boyscouts I know cook hot dogs by boiling them in beer, but they throw out the beer afterwards.

There simply has to be a market for left-over hot-dog-boiling beer somewhere...

Sauerkraut, mustard, catsup (wink, wink--nudge, nudge,) relish, and chopped red onion. Ummmm-um!Now that's good eaten. Oh, lest I forget, a bowl of Beano on the side. I'm married and I'd like to stay that way.

Yikes, I meant eatin'.