August 21, 2004

Episode III: Rise of the Schizo

Posted by pete at August 21, 2004 11:27 AM

Some Episode III promo artwork has hit the web. Because I am weak, and will see this movie no matter how awful the advance word is, I thought I'd share:

Hey, lookit that. Darth Vader. I...oh no...he's trying to take over again...*erf*...mustn't give in...have to...withhold judgement until film is released...losing control of own mind...

Oh, pipe down you candy ass. Your average moviegoer willpower is nothing compared to the brute force of your sinister alter-ego, Righteously Indignant Star Wars Fan. You might as well just come out and admit it to yourself: this movie will make Pearl Harbor look like Rashomon. You've heard the old adage about 1000 monkeys typing for 1000 years? Well, Lucas only uses five monkeys, and he pays them scale!

Shut up, shut up. It might be good. After all, this one's going to be darker than the first two.

What the hell does that mean? Sam Jackson has more scenes? Lucas has no concept of the word "dark," which is saying something for a guy who spends so much time with his head up his ass.

But what about the fight scene on the volcano between Anakin and Obi-Wan? That should make a difference, right?

Did the three-way duel in the Episode I make a difference? Did Yoda jumping around like Dripalong Daffy on rotgut in Episode II make a difference? The fight scenes only last for ten or fifteen minutes, meaning we're still left with an hour and a half of green screen crap and Hayden Christiansen's acting to deal with.

What about Darth Vader? We get to see him in this movie. Shouldn't that count for something?

We already saw him in three movies! The fact that you mewling fanboys are getting so excited about the appearance of a 25-year old character shows how bankrupt this franchise has become.

At least Vader was named before Lucas went completed insane and started coming up with characters like "Sidious," "Sleazebaggeno," and "General Greivous."

Chewbacca's in it...

Everybody's in it! There's a whole planet of Wookiees! And Grand Moff Tarkin! Plus Luke and Leia! Would anybody be surprised if Lucas included two little boys running through one scene while somebody called from offscreen, "Han, Lando, time for dinner?"

I'm not listening to you anymore. Episode III might not suck.

Wise up, dipshit. Even if Obi-Wan wakes up and discovers the last two movies were just a dream - Bobby Ewing style - you''re still stuck with the knowledge of what has come before. No retconning of midichlorians, Jar Jar, or Anakin surfing on a space cow is going to take the pain away, and you know it.

Bah, you bore me. Quit posting crap like this or I'm coming back again. And I might bring Star Wars Fan Who Bitches Endlessly About Continuity Errors with me.

No, no...I'll be good.
...
Is he gone?

Man, I hate that guy.

Wow, Pete, I don't recall you interviewing me for your blog. Those margaritas must have been stronger than I thought.

P.S. this is SO going to blow!

--Posted by HWRNMNBSOL on August 21, 2004 11:50 AM

How I would love to say that I'm strong enough to resist the urge to see it. But, like all of the other sheep raised on the mythos of Star Wars, I, too, will arrive as expected to help line the pockets of George Lucas, and bitch about it afterwards.

Man, I tell ya, if I need the services of ILM for some film someday, he better give me a GREAT deal. He owes me.

--Posted by Amy on August 21, 2004 3:04 PM

Star Wars has become for me The Matrix trilogy, only more so. That means that even though Episode III might suck royally, the fact is still that I've spent so many hours of my life watching these movies that I'll be compelled to see Episode III regardless (just like I saw Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, despite the advance word...).

--Posted by Len Cleavelin on August 21, 2004 8:38 PM

Kudos to all who have watched the Star Wars the Next Generation...wait a minute...I mean Stars Wars the Pre-Generation... something like that. Anyway, the magic's gone and so is most of the audience.

--Posted by babyjane on August 22, 2004 3:29 AM

Sigh....I guess I'll pay my $$$ to see it, even if just to say - "aha - nice blatant foreshadowing for the good stuff I saw many years ago".

I'm such a sucker.

--Posted by andante on August 22, 2004 10:54 AM

Face it: people our age (those who watched the Real Star Wars Trilogy) will go see this anyway, regardless of how much it sucks, blows or both.

I still think Lucas should've gone with my idea for the subtitle...

"Star Wars Episode III: A New Hope (That This One Doesn't Suck)"

--Posted by Arielle on August 22, 2004 11:51 AM

SWF, 36 going on 11, righteously indignant, seeks Phantom Editor for marathon session. I'm looking for the good parts, baby. If you've got the tools and the skills, you can make me happy.

--a fan.

--Posted by Michael on August 22, 2004 7:38 PM



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