Once again, news from Hollywood prompts my demand for a loaded bazooka:
The Hollywood Reporter indicates that "The Munsters" are headed to the big screen, thanks mostly to the Wayans brothers.
Keenen Ivory, Marlon and Shawn Wayans have all struck a deal with Universal Pictures to take the classic 1960's television show about a family of friendly monsters who never quite get why people react in terror to them and give it a modern makeover that "will stay true to the original characters, but will place them in a contemporary setting".
The deal means the three Wayanses will write the screenplay as well as produce along with Rick Alvarez through Wayans Bros. Prods. There is a possibility that Keenen Ivory Wayans would direct, though no deal is in the works without a finished script.
I might see this, if they made it a Blacula crossover, concluding with Al Lewis and Yvonne De Carlo machine gunning the Wayans to death at the end. Otherwise, no thanks.
Oh, and find something for Butch Patrick. I hear he needs to work (things have been pretty sparse since "Lidsville").
Wait, there's more:
Terence Winter, a writer and executive producer of "The Sopranos," has been drafted into "The Warriors" gang. The scribe will write the remake of the 1979 street-gang classic that Tony Scott is directing. Scott's version will follow the outline of the first film -- in which a gang leader is assassinated during a truce, and The Warriors, wrongly accused of the assassination, must make their way home through hostile gang territories -- while updating the heightend reality of the original film for contemporary audiences..."
First, Tony Scott needs a visit from the Gramercy Riffs. The last thing that would be welcome in a Warriors remake (or any film, for that matter) is his masturbatory St. Vitus' Dance style of directing. He torpedoed Man on Fire - which had the potential to be a decent little revenge flick - with an endless series of jump cuts and exposure tricks.
Second...that's twice now I've heard the word "contemporary" used, and it scares me. How do you update monsters that were affectionate knockoffs of Universal creatures in the first place? Make them black (that seems like a given, if the Wayans are starring as well)? Enlarge them to ridiculous proportions (also known as the Van Helsing strategy)? Or maybe cast Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn and Lil' Bow Bow as Eddie? You're talking $45 million opening weekend, minimum.
What's that? He just goes by "Bow Wow" these days? A thousand pardons.
As for The Warriors...good luck. One of the conceits of that film that doesn't hold up too well in modern times was that almost nobody in the film had a gun. I suppose if they set the film in modern day Limerick, Ireland, that would be one thing, but it only takes about fifteen minutes to get across town.
In trying to appeal to "contemporary" audiences, the Baseball Furies will give way to the Soccer Psychos, who incapacitate their victims with well-aimed bicylcle kicks. The Orphans will all dress like Fred Durst, and Dave Chappelle will play the mysterious DJ. I can't even begin to imagine who'll play the Warriors themselves, but I wouldn't lay money against any of the following: Ashton Kutcher, Rider Strong, Sean Patrick Thomas, Seth Green, Larenz Tate, or Chad Michael Murray.
With Lindsay Lohan as Mercy. Why the hell not?
Finally, one that I'm not too worked up about:
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Comedian Ellen DeGeneres is getting a promotion -- to supreme being.
DeGeneres will star as God in a remake of the 1977 comedy "Oh, God!" The original starred George Burns as the creator and John Denver as a supermarket manager tapped as a new prophet.
"Ellen is a strong comedian and she has always done material about God and questions about God," said Jerry Weintraub, who produced the original movie and also will oversee the remake.
Meh. The original did nothing for me, so it's hard to get irate over a new version. One thing that will be hard to duplicate is the smoldering sexual chemistry between Denver and Teri Garr. Any chance of getting Anne Heche to costar?
I am clearly going down the wrong path trying to make films with original stories and good acting. My career won't go anywhere until I get better at making crap.
"The Munsters?!?" Oh, God! Why? WHY?!?
The only thing I liked about this show was the theme music - and Grandpa.
I found early in life that there were two kinds of people: "Addams Family" people and "Munsters" people. I'm of the former. :-)
I think we need to broaden our horizons to the 1970s and 1980s. I know we've had Charlie's Angels, but surely the stars are right for a remake of Mork and Mindy or Diff'rent Strokes. Perhaps a Family Ties movie would do well.
As long as nobody decides it's time for Eight is Enough to jump to the big screen...
Michael, that and "Charles in Charge."
::shudders::
I am so glad that Hollywood has found yet another load of 1960's crap-o-vision to smear all over the big screen. I will concede that "The Addams Family" was a pleasant surprise, but I credit the late Raul Julia for that, along with Anjelica Huston and Christina Ricci. But that's the exception, not the rule. [I don't count "Batman" because Tim Burton's movie had nothing in common with the mid-'60's TV show except for the characters.]
This is the industry that actually spent money making a film of "The Beverly Hillbillies," folks. Even as an eleven-year-old kid, I loathed that show...and what I resented even more was that thanks to its success, we got treated to More Of The Same, i.e., "Petticoat Junction," "Green Acres"...
How long will we have to wait before they make movies out of those crimped-off turds? Or others, like "Gilligan's Island"? You know it's coming.
1960's sitcoms. The nostalgia merchants can dress 'em up however they want, but there's no escaping it: these shows all stank. And on a king-size screen, with modern effects, modern actors, modern screenwriting, and modern budgets, they still will stink. Feh.