A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Q: Are We Not Men?
A: We Are Bevo

As a University of Texas alum, I guess I like our mascot. I believe live, potentially dangerous animals are more fun than some doofus with short man complex who puts on a big styrofoam head and deludes himself into thinking the cheerleaders like him. I'm speaking specifically of Bevo, Ralphie - the Colorado buffalo, and also carnivores like Mike the Tiger (LSU), Joy and Lady - Baylor's bears, and Uga, the Georgia Bulldog.

Certain other stupid dog mascots shall remain nameless.

What surprised me about this story was that the current incarnation of Bevo has been walking the sidelines for 16 years. That's some tough beef:

AUSTIN -- It's official. Bevo XIII, the University of Texas steer mascot, is being put out to pasture to make way for a new longhorn.

Pregame and halftime ceremonies at Saturday night's football home-opener against North Texas will usher in a new Bevo, a 2-year-old checking in at about 1,300 pounds.

Officials with the Silver Spurs spirit club that manages the mascot have been considering retiring the 20-year-old Bevo XIII since before last season's Holiday Bowl.

More likely, the cost of keeping the poor bastard doped up on Vetamine became prohibitive. You know, after a few years, they just have to keep taking more and more to maintain.

I think it would an add an element of suspense if the live mascots were taken off the drugs and randomly released from confinement at some point during a game. Plenty of chance to unleash some pent-up aggression, and I'll bet LSU's tiger would sure like a crack at A&M's yell leaders.

Bevo XIII is the longest tenured Bevo. With a 124-67-2 record during his tenure, he has seen more Longhorns victories than any other Bevo.

Mack Brown wishes he had such a good record. Not like he's going to be around for 16 years, at any rate.

Muecke said Bevo XIV was donated by the same rancher who owns Bevo XIII. The new mascot stands about 5 1/2 feet at the hind legs. His horn span currently measures 56 inches, a mere whisker compared to Bevo XIII's span of 5 feet, 7 inches from tip to tip.

According to the Silver Spurs, the Longhorn "represents courage, fighting ability, nerve, lust of combat, efficiency in deadly encounters and the holy spirit of 'Never Say Die.'" The first Bevo was dragged onto the field at the Texas-Texas A&M game in 1916.

Where he killed fifteen men before a young Paul "Bear" Bryant wrestled him to the ground and broke his neck.

All due respect to the Silver Spurs, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Lust of combat?" "Efficiency in deadly encounters?" These aren't bullfighting toros, after all. You could walk up to most steers with a 16-pound sledge and put an end to them right there.

He stood behind the end zone through the final three years of coach David McWilliams' struggles, the tumultuous era of John Mackovic and the program's resurrection under Mack Brown.

He watched Texas win three Southwest Conference titles and its only Big 12 title, in 1996. A year later, he bore the shame when UCLA beat the 'Horns 66-3 at Royal Memorial Stadium.

Rumors that Bevo had placed a rather hefty sum of money on the Bruins were never confirmed.

In the 1999 Big 12 title game in San Antonio, Bevo left a lasting memory for many Longhorns fans. After Texas lost to Nebraska 22-6, Bevo's handlers were walking him out of the stadium when nature called. With perfect timing, he left his mark squarely on the Cornhuskers' logo.

"A crowning achievement," said Ricky Brennes, a board member of the Silver Spurs alumni group.

So you say. I'd rather have won that Big 12 title game.