I know most of your belly buttons have been puckering and unpuckering all week in anticipation of the presidential debates, which will no doubt answer everyone's searing questions (Will Kerry reassert his love of NASCAR? Will Bush tell us what kind of tree he'd like to be?) Therefore, in the interests of time and homeland security, APCB is offering this rapid-fire celebrity update.
First, news of a Spaceballs sequel:
Mel Brooks revealed in a recent interview with Playbill magazine that he is working on a sequel to his 1987 Star Wars spoof, Spaceballs, the Ain't-It-Cool-News Web site reported. "I'm writing myself back into the Spaceballs sequel that I'm now writing, so you haven't seen the last of my face," Brooks said. "Why another Spaceballs? It wouldn't feel right to have anyone else play Yoghurt, and the first one was the best experience I've had making a movie since Blazing Saddles."
The only good news that sifts out of this announcement is that Brooks isn't actually doing a sequel to Blazing Saddles. Or Young Frankenstein. Or High Anxiety. It's unclear when Brooks lost his mind, comedy-wise, but it was definitely right around the time History of the World, Pt. 1 came out. Spaceballs, like History, had a few inspired moments, which only served to accentuate how bad his later movies became.
A more pressing question: who will play Barf?
No time for that now. How's that Johnny Cash biopic coming along?
Actor Joaquin Phoenix broke down on the set of his latest movie and started banging his head against a wall - because a scene reportedly sparked memories of his brother River Phoenix's tragic death. The Village star - who was 19 when his brother died of a drug overdose outside Los Angeles nightclub The Viper Room in 1993 - is currently filming Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line. Sources say Phoenix had to be taken away in an ambulance after references to the horrific death of Cash's younger brother Jack in an electrical tool accident caused him to freak out. Phoenix's publicist denies that the star is having a breakdown, but there are rumors the film's location may have to be switched from Memphis, Tennessee to Hollywood, to make Phoenix more comfortable.
There's that rebel spirit the Man in Black would've been proud of. Considering how dissimilar death by electric tool accident is from OD-ing on heroin and cocaine, I have to wonder if reading the obituaries sets Joaquin off as well. No matter, what's a little authenticity compared to coddling an actor who knows, in his heart of hearts, that everybody thought River was the talented one in the family?
Hey Bruce Campbell, what's the word on the next Evil Dead movie?
Are there any plans to make an Evil Dead IV?
No.
Yow. Brusque.
Finally, Jimmy Fallon discusses his place in the universe:
''I don't see myself aging well. I'm going to be the guy watching reruns of 'Saturday Night Live' alone in his apartment, weeping softly while putting wrinkle cream around his eyes and self-injecting Botox,'' Fallon tells October's Playboy magazine.
''My living room will be covered with 8,000 copies of the 'Best of Jimmy Fallon' DVD, because I'll be the only one who bought it.''
I don't have much to add to his sentiments, except to say I hope Fallon never hits such a low spiritual and emotional point. With any luck, he'll have died years before in an unfortunate accident involving a BASE jumping harness, several lemurs, and a jumbo bottle of Magic Shell.