Hi there. You don't know me, but I can see you sitting a few rows up. Normally, it would be tough for me to get a bead on you, it being dark here in the theater and all, but you've made it especially easy today. For you see, you went and brought your baby along.
I know, complaining about people bringing their offspring to the movies is about as original as bitching about airline food, and normally I'd look the other way and swallow my bile. After all, who doesn't expect children in an afternoon matinee? Or at a Disney/Pixar film? Hell, a guy would have to be on the bad side of W.C. Fields to get up in arms about the presence of little house apes in those situations. Even kids in PG-rated films are getting more commonplace. Just a sign o' the times, as Prince Charles once said.
So it helps that I'm not talking about those situations. You see, this is a late night screening. Of an R-rated movie. About zombies. And the child in your arms is obviously screaming because of the big, scary, pus-covered corpses that keep showing up on screen. Or maybe it's the deafening explosions, or the scary mutated dogs. Perhaps the kid - who doesn't look more than 2 years old - just doesn't want sit still for 90 minutes, but something's got your little one all worked up, darn it all.
Oh good, I see they're about to ask you to leave, but before they do I thought I'd offer a few words of advice, one parent to another.
You're an asshole. Did you even try to justify your moronic decision to bring a small child to a horror movie before you got in the car? Did you think he'd sleep through the nonstop screaming and gunshots? I suppose its possible you've just returned from exile on the Galapagos Islands and are completely ignorant of the attitude of the American moviegoing public, who tend to side with me on issues involving wailing toddlers in the theater. Those in attendance sans rugrats don't have the patience to spare on your kid. Many of them probably went through the added effort of obtaining a sitter for their own children, precisely so they could enjoy a night at the cinema without listening to their crying baby or subjecting anyone else to one.
The idea of finding someone to watch your child probably never entered your mind, or maybe it did. Maybe you tried valiantly to get a babysitter and failed. That's too bad, but instead of following the correct course of action and staying home to watch the Colts-Patriots game, you decided that keeping your child out until almost midnight attending a scary movie is no big deal. Bad dad. No biscuit.
I'm not a perfect parent, by any stretch, and I've barely had nine months to do psychological damage to my own child, but yours is one mistake I won't be duplicating. My kid has plenty of time to freak herself out by sneaking into the living room at night to watch monster movies on TV, or reading horror comics by flashlight, or watching local news. I don't need to help her along by subjecting her to movies she shouldn't be exposed to until she's old enough to sneak into a theater on her own.
Get the hell out of here and take that poor kid with you. And I hope you enjoy sitting up with him all night.
It sounds like Pete was at a screening of Resident Evil: Apocalypse, probably in his critic's hat, so no money per se was wasted.
Of course, now Pete is going to write a less-competent review than he might otherwise, which will incrementally affect his ability to get other paying work, which will affect both his ability to buy beer and his alleged self-esteem, which will result in a sober but morose Pete. And nobody wants that.
Sounds akin to the dickheads who took their three-year olds into 'The Extra TERRORestrialAlien Encounter' at Disney World, even though the sign said it might be 'too intense' for those under 8.
I was over thirty, and it scared the crap out of me.
Bravo! Same thing happened to myself and the wife a few months ago. Unbelievable. At least after about 5-minutes and some basilisk-like glares from myself and the wife did they get up and leave the movie. And they both left. I don't know about you, but the possiblity of throwing $20 bucks or more away on tickets for a movie that I may have to leave in the middle of because of an unhappy child would have immediately quelled any thoughts of doing so. The movie was a PG-13 movie and not all that scary, but really, what small toddler wants to sit still in a crowded movie theater for 2 hours when there is gooey stuff to play with on the floor.
Welcome back, Goldie. Everyone go check out the DramaQueen's new digs.
I have Netflix, but as Greg so cunningly pointed out, I was at an advance screening for Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
As for that "less competent review"...heh, you tell me.
This is akin to the folks I saw with their 4-year-old at "Kill Bill Vol. 1". Stupid people.
Some people (Anntichrist S. Coulter calls 'em "mongoloid fucktards") just don't get the concept behind the MPAA ratings. Years ago, we went to see "Goodfellas" and were appalled to see a family a few rows in front of us with their little ones...5-7 years old. That movie was way too violent to expose children to. When we left the theatre, I made a gentle comment to the parents...something along the lines of "What the hell is the matter with you people? Do you have rocks in your head, to take your kids to see this movie?" Mostly, all I got in return was a blank stare.
Foo. I say, time to require parenting licenses.
Or the guy at "Starship Troopers" with his two daughters (5 an 7, maybe). They had tickets for something G-rated, because I heard the oldest one crying to go see it. For 5 minutes they cried and he just kept yelling at them to cover their eyes, shut up, and not tell mom. Told me to fsck off, so I got the manager. Had the cops show up and bust him for theatre-jumping, so he was going to hve to tell mom himself.
"O’Bannon and company do an admirable job combining horror with hilarity (horlarity?), "
I Must now use this new word with annoying frequencey. Thanks Pete.
Yeah but who is the asswipe who let him IN with a two-year old kid?
Child abuse, or indescribable stupidity. You decide.
As far as the asshole was concerned, no one else in the theater even existed. He was watching a private screening so he didn't have to consider OTHER people's feelings. The thing that pisses me off even more about jerks like this guy is that if you complain about the poor kid's screaming, he'll look at you like you're the one with the problem! Guys like him need to be held down and gelded.
My god. It's suddenly all become clear to me.
Pete's on the downhill slope of his 30's. His psycho dad's penchant for terrifying him is well-documented. Pete has a thing for zombie movies. And now this.
Pete, we're your friends. You can open up to us. When you were just a baby, your dad brought you in to the theater to see Night of the Living Dead, didn't he?
Nice try, but my dad's affinity for frightening his kids aside, he absolutely cannot take horror movies. I remember watching Alien on HBO in 1983 or so, and he walked through the living room holding a magazine over his eyes.
brilliant. I'm printing that out and taking it with me to the movies next time. never mind that the inconsiderate asshole ruined your movie-giong experinces - in Australia, that would have wasted you $14.50!
Hello!