Confession Time means never having to say you're sorry.
Generally, I don't cry at movies. It's difficult to pinpoint one reason for this, but I can narrow it down some. For starters, I was raised on a healthy diet of cartoons and monster movies, the latter necessitating the occasional intervention from my parents to assure me that Rodan did not, in fact, live in the mountain overlooking Salt Lake City. It was similarly impressed upon me at a young age that movies, cartoon, and most TV shows weren't real. I think the intention was to make sure I didn't emulate the gremlin from "Falling Hare" and whack someone with a pipe wrench, but it also meant I didn't get too emotionally entangled in the doings of cartoon characters.
For example, my mother says was seriously worried about me when I didn't cry at the death of Bambi's mother. We went to the theater with a dozen or so other kids, and I was apparently the only one not bawling at that scene. If questioned, I could've responsed that I'd seen Daffy Duck, Tom, Yosemite Sam, and Sylvester the Cat killed dozens of times, and that if any of those deaths were going to resonate with me, it would've been Daffy's.
The same held for most movies. This must've been when the bugaboo of TV violence started rearing up, which might explain my parents' zealous efforts to keep me from taking anything I saw in film too seriously. I think the only childhood movie I saw that brought on the waterworks was Disney's Robin Hood (seen at the tender age of 6), and I couldn't begin to explain that one.
I'm not made of stone, however. Even as I matured into the devil-may-care bon vivant you see before you today, I retained my humanity. I may not shed tears in the theater to the extent that many people do (like my sister, who - swear to god - cried during A Bug's Life...and she was 23), but it still happens. To prove this, I present you with a list of movies that have moved your stoic narrator to tears in the course of his short life.
Robin Hood - Disney version. Still don't know why, but it may have been out of fear. This would go a long way towards explaining why I'm not into furries.
King Kong vs. Godzilla - No way did that hairy piece of crap get the better of the Big G. No way. You're lying. Why do you lie like that?
Shane - Come back, Shane! And kill jack Palance some more!
Where the Red Fern Grows - Oh, I'm sure all of you tough guys held it in for this one. My elementary school has a summer movie program where, in an ingenius effort to get kids out of the house, they sponsored a movie screening every Wednesday. Every year, for four years, they showed this. Sadistic bastards.
Old Yeller - See above. I went through a long period of time where I dreaded seeing a dog appear in a movie. I still don't understand the rationale behind producing movies specifically designed to make children cry.
I guess I should be grateful I never watched Sounder.
The Pride of the Yankees - And I hate the Yankees.
Superman - Of course, after all my talk about how jaded I was about cinematic realism, the scene where Superman resurrects Lois by flying at super speed to reverse the Earth's orbit and turn back time gets to me.
Hey, I never said I was a smart kid.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - In my defense, I was 13. I saw it with my dad, who was equally moved, I can assure you.
Nerds.
A Midnight Clear - I've got no excuse for this one. Still one of my favorites.
Glory - Obviously, any movies seen after adolescence don't elicit actual tears in the male of the species, but that final scene had me doing the whole, "Got something in my eye" thing.
Titanic - Let me finish...I was crying, but they were tears of joy following Leo as he slipped into the icy depths.
Miracle - Anyone who reads this blog knows how I feel about the Miracle on Ice. I still get misty eyed when I watch my DVD of the HBO documentary, for crying out loud.
I realize I've sidestepped some of the more nototious tearjerkers. Most, to be perfectly honest, are stereotypical chick flicks that would inspire a reaction other than contempt if they weren't so shamefully manipulative. I'm looking at you, Beaches, Steel Magnolias, and Fried Green Tomatoes. I also managed to macho my way through Field of Dreams (Kevin Costner makes me itch), Rudy (any true University of Texas fan hates Notre Dame), and Brian's Song (seen far too late in life).
So now you know the terrible truth. Feel free to share your own shameful displays of emotion in the comments.
OK, Pete, the Rodan thing really got to me! Here's my list:
1. The Enchanted Cottage--I'm a sucker for romance and schmaltz as long as it's well done.
2. Summertime--Damn I want that train to slow down or blow up so Kate can live in Venice happily ever after. (sigh)
3. An Affair to Remember--Do I need to 'splain?
4. The Miracle Worker (Anne and Patty only)--beautifully acted, directed and written. You can't beat that story for inspiration. Love It!
5. The Apartment--Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine, Billy Wilder at their best AND Fred MacMurray as a complete sleaze. What's not to like?
6. Midnight Cowboy--Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman in an unlikely but believable friendship. It just works even though it's kinda creepy. When Joe Buck puts his arm protectively around his dead friend I want to weep buckets of tears.
7. Lonely are the Brave---the only western besides Silverado I ever liked and one of only two movies with Kirk Douglas I will watch. The other one's Spartacus, (no surprise).
8. Miss Firecracker--Holly Hunter is so brave, vulnerable and guileless and those townspeople are so evil, oo, I just want her to win, win, win.
9. Penny Serenade--That baby is more adorable every time I watch this, but even she can't upstage Cary Grant in this movie.
10. La Strada--the little moon-faced actress playing Gelsimina is so heartbreaking.
11. Yes, I'm sneaking in another one but it's hard to whittle down my list. Anyway, my bonus movie is Gorgo. When Gorgo's big dinosaur momma rescues him from the clutches of the evil circus owner and they're walking to the sea, the little Irish orphan boy says, "They're goin' back now, back to the sea," I just can't keep a dry eye.
The Rookie - in at least two scenes. The first, when Dennis Quaid calls home to tell his little boy that his daddy's in the major leagues; the second, when Quaid runs onto the field, and his family and the kids he coached get to see him pitch in the major leagues.
Return of the King - and boy, did it piss me off. Eyes awash, sniffle sniffle, and my brain screaming "No! Don't let the sound track fool you into thinking you've been moved. The film sucked!"
Imagine if the sound engineers were to use their powers for good....
You didn't cry during Bambi?? You souless zombie.
True story. I was 29 and my brother 20. We watched this movie at a friends house because their 5 yr old girl "insisted". (Neither of us had seen it) So the shot rings out and Bambi is looking back, and my brother says in a trembling voice, "What happened?" (He knew of course and tears were trickling down both our cheeks) and my buddies little girls informs us, "Bambis mother got killed." She says this matter of factly without even glancing at us. In our defense, we were pretty high.
Little Women, the one with Susan Sarandon and Winona. I was sitting on the couch one afternoon getting ready for another night of slinging beer watching it on HBO. Even though I KNEW it was coming, when Jo died, I cried like a ... well little woman.
Does this leave me with more or less street cred than Andy up top?
Dancer in the Dark. A million times Dancer in the Dark.
I as well, flood the living room with tears at then end of DANCER IN THE DARK. It doesn't matter how many times I see it, it always rips my heart out, stomps on it, then slams it agains the wall.
THE YEARLING also smacks me around quite a bit, much in the same way as OLD YELLER and THE RED PONY. Pets are far too tragic!
Two very unexpected times were RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS, when the kids Dad leaves and the kid freaks, and for some odd reason, I lost it at the end of BROTHER BEAR. much sport is still made of me concerning the 'Brother Bear Incident.'
I almost cried during Alien vs Predator, but that was just due to how unbelieveably terrible it was!
Dead Poets Society and Steel Magnolias still get me, even though I've seen them both hundreds of times in the past 15 years.
Return of the King, both the movie and the book. It's just so damned poignant!! When I saw it the first time, I embarrassed my friend with all the sobbing. She hasn't gone to a movie with me since.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because I am a postmodern romantic sucker.
Concerning Rudy:
Real Notre Dame fans are barely aware that UT even exists; we save our hate for the University of Miami, which it should get washed away in a hurricane and, ideally, boils.
I find strong common ground with Gators and Seminoles as we unite in our loathing.
The fact of the matter is, I don't cry at films. Or books. It's not that I'm a complete cultural philistine; it's just that I'm apparently not physiologically set up for it. I don't know. At any rate, the closest I've come was at Grave of the Fireflies. That film pulled no punches.
This long-time Star Trek fan bawled like a baby (I was about 30 yrs old) when Spock died in Wrath of Khan.
And Fahrenheit 9/11. I'm a mother - 'nuff said.
"Truly, Madly, Deeply" - a 1991 film with Alan Rickman and Juliet Stevenson. Oh, my.
And *OF COURSE* "Old Yeller".
And "How Green Was My Valley" (1941) with a lovely young Roddy McDowell.
"Bambi" traumatized me past the point of tears.
I'm enough of a sentimental schmo that I can weep at the end of "Willy Wonka." And, for that matter, at the end of "King Kong," when "that hairy piece of crap" meets his doom at the hands of the biplanes. And even at "Son of Kong," an otherwise crapulacious film...but the image of the little guy disappearing beneath the waves really makes the ol' tear ducts work overtime. And, hey...what about T2?
I cried at the movie theater when I saw The Truth About Cats and Dogs. My date (now husband) had no idea what to do so he just kind of patted me. I also cried at Disney's The Little Mermaid when Ariel had to leave her family under the sea. And Gone with the Wind, of course.
I used to not cry at anything on the big screen, but I watched Armaggedeon after the birth of my daughter and the scenes where the mom tells the boy that that is not a salesman, its his father and then the end where he gets off the spaceship and his son comes running around the corner. Those two scenes gave my manhood all it could handle. Damn kids! They turn you into saps.
No way did that hairy piece of crap get the better of the Big G. No way. You're lying. Why do you lie like that?
This quote prompted me to tell my husband that I was planning to leave him and run away with you. Then he reminded me that you were married...with a kid.
Damn reality.
(Also, Grotesqueticle, that would be Beth, not Jo.)
Speaking as a man who is sometimes moved to tears by long distance telephone commercials -- and here I use the word 'man' extremely loosely -- I'd say it is far, far easier for me to count the movies that I did *not* choke up at. However, the most notorious bawlers include:
Schindler's List. I'm sorry, I have a soft spot for Jews. They're so cuddly and helpless, and yet everybody always wants to shoot them. Dammit, all they want to do is play their accordions and wear silly hats! why can't you bastards leave them alone?!
Philadelphia. Okay, I admit it, Tom Hanks made me cry! Are you happy now? Go ahead, laugh! ha ha, you mocking sacks of dung!
Finding Nemo. Issues of parents letting go of their childen in order to allow them to grow make the Baby Jesus cry.
Children of a Lesser God. Christ, what's not to cry about in that movie?
I need to stop before I lose all street cred.