Metafilter has an article about "outreach" kits for churches wishing to construct their own Hell Houses this Halloween season. Hell Houses, as most of you know, are Christian-themed haunted houses that depict the stark horrors of modern society and dread repercussions of sinning against God. But with a message of, y'know, hope. There's a great documentary about the phenomenon (which started right here in Texas) floating around as well.
This is my favorite part of the article:
What issues are addressed by The Hell House Outreach Kit?
Our nation needs to know that much of what they are being fed by the liberal media and entertainment industries is lies and falsehoods. Hell House will allow your church or ministry to boldly proclaim the truth of the word of God.
Damn you, Brit Hume.
Tour Production:
Homosexuality — No one is born gay. Genesis 1:27 says that God created man in His own image. Homosexuality is sin and is not just an alternative lifestyle.
No one ever mentions Genesis 1:27.5, which says that God liked to let His hair down by heading down to Castro and hitting some bars on the odd weekend.
Abortion — It is not merely a surgical procedure or the removal of a mass of tissue. It is the taking of a human life!
Don't you get it?! Our exclamation points make it true!!!
Suicide — The solution to your problems and depression is not found through ending your life. Let Jesus carry you through those tough times and be the strength you are searching for.
Unless, of course, Jesus tells you to kill youself, then it's probably a good idea to do what he says. He's Jesus, after all.
Drunk Driving — The false highs and constant lows of alcohol are never more sobering than when you realize that you are a killer.
And even more sobering when you realize you just crashed into a bus full of fetuses.
Satanism — The occult is very powerful and not something to toy with. Jesus Christ possesses the only power greater than the kingdom of darkness.
"I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a laugh. How wrong I was."
Hell — Hell is not an eternal party place. It is the home of never-ending torment, anguish and permanent damnation and separation from God.
Wait a minute..."not an eternal party place?" That means I've been lied to by, uh, well, absolutely nothing, I guess.
Except maybe that goddamned liberal media.
Heaven – Heaven is the eternal reward for those whose names are written in the Book Of Life. It is a place of exquisite beauty crowned by the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ and His holy angels
Man. Hell actually sounds more entertaining.
Personally, I think the stage production sounds better:
Stage Production:
Domestic Abuse — A phenomenal surprise beginning to the production starts by including this scene. The home and family is a major target for the kingdom of hell and abuse is fuel on the fire for doing damage to marriages and relationships.
That paragraph gives me a headache, but I think it means that the God wants Daddy to beat Mommy like he would Satan. That's comforting.
Rave Scene — Youth culture often sees itself as wildly indestructible. The underground world of rave clubs and drug usage proves to be a deadly combination, and hell's demons rejoice.
You know, I wish Quincy was still on the air. I bet I would've loved the "Rave" episode.
Teen Suicide — The seemingly insurmountable stress and pressure of teen life is amplified by the dark shadows of Satan's schemes. Suicide is the result.
And if they commit suicide while playing Dungeons and Dragons at a rave, that's a trifecta, and Satan gets 10 to 1.
Mother's Womb Abortion — A young mother is miraculously given the opportunity to learn from her mistake upon being blessed with a visit by her aborted daughter at four different ages of life.
I hope one of the stages is "Aborted Daughter has Abortion." Wouldn't that create some kind of infinite temporal loop? I think I saw that on Star Trek once.
Catholic versions will have fathers visited by the potential offspring of every sperm they've spilled outside of procreative intercourse. It'll take considerably longer.
Drunk Driving – Four teenagers are out on a Friday night high, alive and buzzed after the prom. There's just one problem: this night ends with two that are dead and two more left to deal with their horrible guilt and shame — and hell's bad boys will make sure of that.
But in an inspirational twist, those two drunk drivers go on to become President and Vice-President of the United States of America.
Gay Wedding — The sacred institution of marriage between a man and a woman is further disgraced by the unholy union of a man and a… man, and Satan wouldn't have it any other way.
The hell with that...fast forward to Gay Honeymoon. That's where all the action is.
Hell — The eternal fury and fire of hell is portrayed as the hell-dwellers, gate keeper and Satan declare that every person there is destined to burn forever in constant pain and agony.
These kits only list for $299, so I'm skeptical about how much of Hell's "eternal fury and fire" will actually be portrayed. At best we can hope for a few Black Cat firecrackers and a smoke grenade.
Heaven — This particular heaven scene also has an angelic rescue which brings all the attention to glorious eternity. A wonderful connection also occurs between this scene and the abortion scene with a surprise reunion in heaven! Jesus explains restoration and gives everyone the chance to pray the prayer of salvation.
We get to see an angel get an abortion?
That tears it, I'm going to Hell House this year. I'm sure there are several being held in Houston (I hear Second Baptist and Abundant Life Christian Center have held them), I just need to find one. Who's with me? We can meet for drinks beforehand and bring big foam fingers declaring our deity to be #1.
Or #2, if you're Muslim.
You know I'm down with that action. Name the time and place. (And, if anyone has a wealthy uncle, the "Mr. Show" crew is doing a Hell House out in Hollywood over the Halloween Weekend. I'd love to get a crowd and jet to see Bob-N-David's comedy stylings of angelic abortion.)
BTW, is it just me, or does something on their program schedule seem blatantly out of place? We've got great fire & brimstone standbys, like "Homosexuality" and "Abortion" and "Suicide" and "Satanism"...but "Drunk Driving?" I don't remember Cotton Mather going on about that one. Next thing you know, there'll be presentations on "Cock Fighting--Satan's Pastime" and "Running Redlights Makes The Baby Jesus Cry."
Wow...I just followed the kit link, and was greeted by this hep, with-it, and all-around groovy quote:
"The Hell House Outreach Kit: Shake your city with the most 'in-your-face, high-flyin', no denyin', death-defyin', Satan-be-cryin', keep-ya-from-fryin', theatrical stylin', no holds barred, cutting-edge' evangelism tool of the new millennium!"
Is it any wonder kids turn to the rock-and/or-roll and the reefer?
We have got to put together a Heck House. Nothing could be quite so frightening as chilling scenes depicting the sinister threats of Cow Tipping, Man-Puppet Love, and the unholy peril that is the Lambada: the Forbidden Dance.
Toga party! Whoooooooooo!
You've outdone yourself on that one. There goes another Mountain Dew'd keyboard.
*whew* no mention of gambling. My plan to let my daughter put herself through school by winning her classmates' lunch money every day is intact. Mwahahahahahah.
Whew! Sign me up for that Bus Fulla Fetuses ride, dude!
**Suicide — The solution to your problems and depression is not found through ending your life.
True. The solution to my problems is in ending THEIR lives! AHHH, I feel better already.
**Hell- Hell is not an eternal party place.
They should know; they spend most of their time there.
The sad thing about these pin-curled, tight-lipped, Holyroller women and their blue suede shoe wearing men is that none of them has ever been laid. Good sex can actually give completely humorless people the gift of laughter and joy.
the drunk driver that killed a man ended up our (angelic chorus) FIRST LADY! yes, St. Laura put her ex-boyfriennd in a casket. Of course, the Liberal Media tells us she is much more saintly that than bitch Teresa. She helps poor people! damn creep.
Come on.
You're kidding, right?
These "Hell Houses" really exist?
People go to them? Pay Money?
And there are kits? So there are more than one?
Come on, tell me you made this whole thing up.
As a Northeastern dwelling Texas Expatriot, I sometimes forget the religous fervor I left behind. And I can be a little gullible, to be sure.
But this is really a goof, right?