A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Dear Limey assholes"

It seems that the Guardian had an idea to get British readers to e-mail voters in Clark County, Ohio in order to give their perspective on the coming election (hat tip to Sarah):

In the spirit of the Declaration of Independence's pledge to show "a decent respect to the opinions of mankind", we have come up with a unique way for non-Americans to express your views on the policies and candidates in this election to some of the people best placed to decide its outcome. It's not quite a vote, but it's a chance to influence how a very important vote will be cast. Or, at the very least, make a new penpal.

It works like this. By typing your email address into the box on this page, you will receive the name and address of a voter in Clark County, Ohio. You may not have heard of it, but it's one of the most marginal areas in one of the most marginal states: at the last election, just 324 votes separated Democrats from Republicans. It's a place where a change of mind among just a few voters could make a real difference.

Writing to a Clark County voter is a chance to explain how US policies effect you personally, and the rest of the world more generally, and who you hope they will send to the White House. It may even persuade someone to use their vote at all.

That can't be right. I don't remember that "respecting other peoples' opinions" horseshit in MY Declaration of Independence.

What a potential for disaster this was: sending e-mails to Americans in order to offer unsolicited advice on how to vote. Surely nobody would react poorly, would they?

Have you not noticed that Americans don't give two shits what Europeans think of us? Each email someone gets from some arrogant Brit telling us why to NOT vote for George Bush is going to backfire, you stupid, yellow-toothed pansies ... I don't give a rat's ass if our election is going to have an effect on your worthless little life. I really don't. If you want to have a meaningful election in your crappy little island full of shitty food and yellow teeth, then maybe you should try not to sell your sovereignty out to Brussels and Berlin, dipshit. Oh, yeah - and brush your goddamned teeth, you filthy animals.
Wading River, NY

Aha, an erudite critique of Britain's lack of fluoridation, coupled with a knowing analysis of reverse psychology: encouraging us to vote against Bush will actually make us vote for him. Unless this is what those crafty Brits want in the first place...damn you, perfidious Albion!

Consider this: stay out of American electoral politics. Unless you would like a company of US Navy Seals - Republican to a man - to descend upon the offices of the Guardian, bag the lot of you, and transport you to Guantanamo Bay, where you can share quarters with some lonely Taliban shepherd boys.
United States

He's not kidding, I saw that movie, and Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn would be all over you like yellow on teeth.

KEEP YOUR FUCKIN' LIMEY HANDS OFF OUR ELECTION. HEY, SHITHEADS, REMEMBER THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR? REMEMBER THE WAR OF 1812? WE DIDN'T WANT YOU, OR YOUR POLITICS HERE, THAT'S WHY WE KICKED YOUR ASSES OUT. FOR THE 47% OF YOU WHO DON'T WANT PRESIDENT BUSH, I SAY THIS ... TOUGH SHIT!
PROUD AMERICAN VOTING FOR BUSH!

How can they forget the Revolutionary War? Every time someone in England has the temerity to voice an opinion regarding American politics, some moron over here has to remind them about it while conveniently forgetting the hated French were the ones who saved our bacon. Watch your comments in your local phở restaurant, my friends...the fall of Saigon (sorry, Ho Chi Minh City) was a lot more recent than 1776.

I'm a little disappointed no one's brought up how we "saved their asses in World War II" yet.

Real Americans aren't interested in your pansy-ass, tea-sipping opinions. If you want to save the world, begin with your own worthless corner of it.
Texas, USA

As Sarah pointed out on her blog, it sounds like we've got an Aggie here.

Must've been written right after that Utah loss.

Hey England, Scotland and Wales, Mind your own business. We don't need weenie-spined Limeys meddling in our presidental election. If it wasn't for America, you'd all be speaking German. And if America would have had a president, then, of the likes of Kerry, you'd all be goose-stepping around Buckingham Palace. YOU ARE NOT WANTED!! Whether you want to support either party. BUTT OUT!!!
United States

Thank you. My day is complete.

In all fairness, the responses actually claiming to be from Ohio were a good deal more civil. Let me give it a shot:

Dear Brits:

This was an interesting idea, but probably not the best approach to the impending presidential election. America, in case you hadn't noticed, has spent the last four years devolving from a (semi) respected global leader into a xenophobic clump of hooting spider monkeys. Your hearts are probably in the right place, even if your efforts smack of...dare I say...New World naiveté, but reasoned feedback to any helpful suggestions you may feel like offering will undoubtedly be drowned out in the roar of "flip flop" chants, Hummer engines, and Toby Keith songs.

Thanks for trying, though, and keep making TV shows for us to rip off. Honestly, between you and the Japanese, we won't have to come up with original entertainment concepts of our own for years.

Guten abend,

Bill O'Reilly