November 16, 2004
"Ain't seen you 'round Burger World in a while."
Posted by pete at November 16, 2004 11:16 AM
Len and the BC-dot-C have already commented on this, but I'm still marveling at its sublime majesty:
As many fast-food chains are catering to the health-conscious, Hardee's is introducing the biggest and thickest of its Thickburgers — one with enough calories to make Ronald McDonald blush.
The chain on Monday rolled out its Monster Thickburger — two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. The sandwich alone sells for $5.49, $7.09 with fries and a soda.
Even a news release touted the Monster — at 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat — as "a monument to decadence." Add fries and a soda and a single meal would involve more calories and fat than most people should get in a day.
Silly reporter. Americans are not "most people." Now excuse me as I wash down this Krispy Kreme with a mocha frappuchino.
The introduction comes at a time when McDonald's, Wendy's and other fast-food giants are offering salads and other lower-calorie fare. Subway advertising has long used patron Jared to tout the low-calorie items on the menu.
Hardee's has gone another direction.
The restaurant, founded in the 1960s, was originally known for its charcoal-broiled burgers, but eventually expanded its menu to include roast beef, fried chicken, even hot dogs.
That changed in April 2003 when Hardee's went back to burgers — and big ones. Sales for the 2,067-restaurant chain have risen steadily since the introduction of the Thickburger family. Same-store sales are up 7.8% this year.
Some friends and I had the idea, several years back, to open a restaurant called Dying Young. It would feature no salad bar, not diet menu, and no "lite" beer or soft drinks. Smoking would be allowed, as long as it was cigars, and all our cooks would be ex-cons (think Mel Sharples, only with more tattoos and less discriminating taste in women).
Then that stupid Julia Roberts movie came out and ruined everything.
I'm certainly not going to criticize Hardee's for seeing a niche and going for it. This isn't like sneaking beef broth into french fries or improperly storing meat...I mean, look at that damn thing. It's almost as big as your head. Nobody's going to finish a Thickburger and somehow think they've eaten something not likely to cause spontaneous arrhythmia.
Unless they're one of the inexplicable breed who thinks their "super-sized" Big Mac value meal is somehow made healthier by the inclusion of a Diet Coke. In which case, they'll probably be dead from something like sticking a knife into their toaster long before heart disease can kill them, anyway.
I look at it and I know it is evil. I know that it is about five times as much calories as one needs in a single meal; I know that it contains enough tallow to make a decent-sized candle; I know that it is chock full of cholesterol and salt and chemicals and other things that will kill me dead.
And yet, I crave it. Some primitive hunter-instinct stirs within me from time to time, especially when the weather turns colder. At such times I feel a strong urge to slay a mammoth and feast. Sadly the mammoths are gone, but Hardee's is here to lend a hand.
I've been pretty good the last few years, especially since my job no longer requires me to drive all around the city. And most of the time, free associating on the Thickburger will generate the word 'yuck'. But sometimes....sometimes....
...MEAT! MEAT!!!
The Diet Coke actually addresses a separate health problem.
And I thought the Double Cheese and Bacon Whataburger was big! Damn! That is like the ultimate, beginning of a road trip kinda food. Although, I don't think you would be able to eat that monstrosity and drive at the same time. Good Lord! I have to clean up the drool from my desk now. That picture should contain a warning, "Merely looking at the picture conveys calories! Not for the Carnivorously Challenged!"
Cigars? They're much healthier than cigarettes. Just look at George Burns (well, look at him a few years ago, when he was alive).
Include mandatory menthol cigarettes (the cheap brands with fiberglass in 'em) in the happy meal and I'm with you.
Waitress, more whipped butter!!
When I was young and stupid, I would stop on the way from work to my Thursday night bowling league (I told you I was young and stupid) to pick up a couple of Double Meat Whoppers, which I would snarf up between frames. Holy crap, what a lot of...crap.
Makes me want to post the "House of Meat - The No-Nonsense Restaurant" menu I made up - except whaddaya bet Phil Romano takes it and turns it into the next Fuddrucker's? Menu items include the 48 oz "Godzilla" cut of Prime Rib, "hacked from the heart of our Mighty Steamship Roast." Yum.
HMMMM, shoulda called it EMT's delite or the Cardiac burger. I wonder how many pieces of waxed paper they have to wrap around it to keep it from sliding off the rack!
OMG, my husband's licking the monitor! Down, boy, down! Hardee's is the spawn of Satan!
I think the people salivating the most are lawyers.
As one of that much maligned and ridiculed breed who will order a diet Coke with his Monster Thickburger, let me explain that we're not all idiots....
My excuse? I'm diabetic. No, a Monster Thickburger isn't exactly the best thing for my diet, but I could handle one every, oh, six or seven years or so without doing myself irreparable damage. But if I consume The Real Thing, I'm spiking my blood sugar levels beyond levels that they should be at for longer than is healthy.
So think about that possibility the next time you see the diet Coke next to the Monument To Meat And Cheese....
...But the more I think of it, the more it seems that my “restaurant concept” might be just nutty enough to work. Especially after seeing Pete’s post over at APCB on Hardee’s massive, bloat-inducing Monster Thickburger. After all, nothing exceeds lik......
| --Posted to Blog D'Elisson on Nov 17, 2004 11:16 AM:. |
God, not even a slice of tomato or useless flake of iceberg lettuce in sight on that thing. I can feel my coronary arteries slamming shut just looking at it! I guess as long as you order a glass of water with it so you can wash down your cholesterol medication, you just might live through eating one of these.