A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

And it Stoned me

I've been wondering lately if Oliver Stone didn't deliberately make Alexander a piece of crap so he could bitch about everything else in the movie business. His latest complaint? Those consarned DVDs:

Although Oliver Stone's 19-year-old son Sean has shot the behind-the-scenes documentary for Alexander and while the video package is likely to include an examination of the actual life of the Greek conqueror and other informative material, Stone himself has indicated that he is not at all enthusiastic about the coming of age of DVDs. Video Store magazine quotes him as saying during a recent press event, "It's the end of movie-movies the way we know them. ... If you walk into a room with 5,000 DVDs, how are you going to respect movies? How do you know the good ones?"

He actually makes a pretty good point (and to no less an authority that Video Store magazine): how do you determine which films might be worth your valuable leisure time? If only there was some repository (or database, if you will) of movie information, perhaps linked together through a series of networked computers, that could provide this service.

No matter. To help everyone out, I'm going to steer you beleaguered consumers around some of the pitfalls in your local movie aisle by reviewing some of the films you might come across in your travels. More specifically, Stone's films.

The Hand (1981) * - Stone's first feature directorial effort isn't available on DVD, but that doesn't mean we can't bash it. The Hand features Michael Caine as a comic book artist who loses his hand in a car crash (Damn you, irony!) and suffers from depression while the hand goes on a killing spree. Not as entertaining as it sounds, though it's fun to look for all the other films Stone ripped off in putting this together.

Salvador (1986) **1/2 - A solid performance from James Woods helps keep this from sinking into a morass of multiple subplots and Stone's politics. Not a bad film at all, but faced with a selection of "5,000 DVDs" you can surely do better.

Platoon (1986) *** - Decently-made semi-autobiopic that just misses ascending to the ranks of war movie greatness thanks to the unlikely black-and-white moral stances of Taylor's two "father figures," Barnes and Elias. Still, in the wake of crap like Rambo, Platoon was a welcome addition to the Vietnam War catalog, but Full Metal Jacket is still better.

Wall Street (1987) *** - Charlie Sheen's last good role comes in a film that doesn't age well at all. I remember thinking, when I first saw Wall Street, that the whole yuppie thing was a bit played out by '87 (and that I really wanted hookers to ride around with me in a limo while I did some blow). Stone gets his point across, though I can't really think of any reason a modern day viewer would want to seek this out unless they're really into '80s fashion. You can watch the news (especially here in Houston) for far worse characters than Gordon Gekko.

Talk Radio (1988) **** - It shouldn't surprise anyone that this is my favorite Oliver Stone movie, mostly because Stone didn't write it. Sadly, it's almost like Eric Bogosian purged everything from his system in this, as I haven't really liked anything he's done since. Stone manages some nice touches here and there (the circling backgrounds during Barry's final monologue), but mostly he just turns the camera on and let Bogosian go.

Born on the Fourth of July (1989) ***1/2 - Stone's ideological tour de force, bolstered by a fine performance by Tom Cruise. Much of the reason Stone used to be considered heir apparent to the directorial greats can be found in Born, even if Kovic seems to change his mind about the war in the span of a few minutes.

And I always wanted a sequel where Ron Kovic fights Forrest Gump.

The Doors (1991) *1/2 - More mythologizing of the bad poet who became a rock star and rode an early death into immortality, this time from Stone, who appears to have swallowed the Morrison legend hook, line, and indecency conviction. Val Kilmer is great, Stone's literal interpretation of Jerry Hopkins and Danny Sugerman's No One Here Gets Out Alive isn't. Doubly excruciating for those of us, like myself, who don't really care for their music.

JFK (1991) ** - Stone assembled an all-star cast (JFK is a great link for the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game) for his conspiracy film. I'm certainly not going to argue that the Warren Commission didn't reach some questionable conclusions, but focusing on Jim Garrison, who can charitably be called "eccentric," and his bizarre court case doesn't help Stone's cause. Speculation in lieu of facts does not a compelling narrative make.

Natural Born Killers (1994) *1/2 - The technical plaudits heaped on this are, in a way, understandable. Visually, NBK is something to behold, but it's hollow like a chocolate Easter bunny. Stone bitches and moans for 2 hours about the media's love of violence less than 3 years after rubbing out noses in the Zapruder film 30 times in JFK and lovingly showing us wartime atrocity and battleground footage. There's no desire for a better tomorrow here, just joy in the main characters' excesses while trying to make the audience feel guilty about them.

Nixon (1995) ** - Bet you didn't see this coming: a sort-of sympathetic portrayal of Richard Nixon. It soon becomes apparent, however, that Stone is conintuing his projection upon his subjects. Nixon loathes the media, is misunderstood, and labeled a crank, much like our esteemed director, but as Hopkins plays him, you're amazed the guy ever got elected dog catcher. Stone's obviously not a fan of the 37th president, but give the man some credit for political savvy.

U-Turn (1997) *1/2 - Feh. You're only renting this to see Jennifer Lopez naked.

Any Given Sunday (1999) ** - We get it, Oliver: football players are modern day gladiators. Putting Charlton Heston in as the Commissioner was merely overkill.

Alexander (2004) *1/2 - I think we've covered this.

So there you have it. Out of 13 major Oliver Stone films, I can recommend four, which only leaves you with 4,991 to choose from.

Don't mention it.