As it was, so shall it be. This exercise always gives me a chance to get excited about the wrong films (did I actually admit to looking forward to Broken Lizard's Club Dread last year?) and harbor a dire sense of foreboding for others (e.g. last year's potshots at Collateral). Hastily rushing to judgment is part of what makes America - and by extension this blog - great, so if you don't like it you can take your Commie ass somewhere else.
Now then...
JANUARY
White Noise - Michael Keaton plays a man who becomes convinced his dead wife is using appliances to communicate with him from beyond the grave. Regardless of how the movie itself fares, it looks to have the plot that will most easily transition to porno.
Coach Carter - Lean on Me meets Stand and Deliver, with a dash of Hoosiers. Unlikely to get people excited about the NBA, unfortunately, unless they also mix in some Pulp Fiction.
Elektra - I predict this will be the movie that bumps Ben Affleck off the wagon (if he isn't there already). Not only will his girlfriend be a bigger movie star then he is, but in a spinoff of a film that was supposed to launch a new superhero franchise for Affleck that'll probably end up making more money than the original.
Racing Stripes - They keep sending me passes to see this, and I keep getting grievously ill at the last minute. Which is a damn shame, since I can't think of a better way to spend 90 minutes than listening to the voice work of Steve Harvey, David Spade, and Steve Harvey.
I really can't.
Assault on Precinct 13 - Lacking the infamous "But I wanted vanilla twist" scene, this looks to be another by-the-numbers cops and robbers picture, although with the continuing NHL strike, the presence of a character named "Jake Roenick" is going to have me looking for a guy in a Phoenix Coyotes jersey.
Are We There Yet? - "Life ain't nothin' but babies and minivans" just doesn't sound quite right, Cube.
Alone in the Dark - If the words "based on the Atari video game" or "starring Christian Slater" don't make you want to burrow into a pile of used 2600 cartridges, try these on for size: "director Uwe Boll." Or maybe these "Tara Reid plays an archaeologist."
Hide and Seek - The craptaculization of Robert De Niro's career continues apace. All that's left now is a sequel to The Fan.
FEBRUARY
Boogeyman - Seeing Lucy Lawless listed in the credits for this doesn't give me high hopes for its potential as a horror movie. After all, has there ever been a supernatural nasty that could stand up to Xena, Warrior Princess?
The Wedding Date - My fervent hope is that Debra Messing has similar box office clout to fellow NBC sitcomrades David Schwimmer and Matthew Perry. And Dermot Mulroney must've lost a poker game to Satan if he's appearing in yet another wedding-themed romantic comedy.
Hitch - Can Eva Mendes turn professional dating advsior Will Smith into an honest man? Will Smith's client (Kevin James) find the love of his life? Will anything I write in my review keep this from making $135 million?
Because of Winn-Dixie - Finally, a canine version of Where the Heart Is.
Constantine - A friend of a friend has a theory that Keanu Reeves is actually the greatest actor of our generation...until he opens his mouth. I'd amend that to say, "until he opens his eyes." Garth Ennis fans are advised to stay home.
Son of the Mask - The trick to this one will be precisely timing the moment to eat bad clams in order to make sure I can't attend this screening.
Cursed - Am I the only one who isn't hyperventilating over a press release trumpeting "The highly anticipated reunion of Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson, the creative minds behind the record-breaking Scream trilogy?" And in a film already bumped back several times from its original release date. Go rent Ginger Snaps and/or Dog Soldiers if you want a "re-invention" of the werewolf story.
Man of the House - See also.
MARCH
Be Cool - John Tarvolta dances with Uma Thurman again, further accentuating the uncomfortable distance separating the two on the attractiveness spectrum. And The Rock plays gay, whick will probably go over really well in the WWE.
The Pacifier - Comedy is the last resort for the action hero whose previous efforts have failed miserably. After A Man Apart and The Chronicles of Riddick, Vin Diesel needs this one.
A Sound of Thunder - Not only has the concept of hunting dinosaurs been covered quite ably in The Last Dinosaur, but time travel and its drastic repercussions on the present day were competently handled in that episode of The Simpsons when Homer became the first non-Brazilian to travel back in time.
The Honeymooners - Is it not really a remake if the originally white characters are played by black people? And what form will the phrase, "To the moon, Alice!" take in today's anti-wife beating climate?
Hostage - Also going by the title Bruce Willis Apologizes to the Moviegoing Public for "The Whole Ten Yards" and Will Now Resume Kicking People's Asses.
Robots - A stellar cast of Oscar, Tony, and Emmy winners are the latest to attempt to topple Pixar from the top of the animated movie heap. At least we can be assured of quality from Halle Berry, who hasn't made anything bad in the last year, right?
Expect the marketing for this to be smothering, even by today's standards, because I started getting swag for this from the studio months ago.
The Ring 2 - Desperate for franchise candidates, Dreamworks SKG is apparently trying to position the vengeful ghost Samara as the next Freddy Kruger. Hopefully, they'll keep the wisecracks to a minimum.
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - Any reason to bring The Shatner back to the big screen is a good one. And will America ever tire of its love affair with Sandra Bullock? I hope not.
Sahara - Commenter peenman assures me Matthew McConaughey is all wrong for the role of Clive Cussler serial stud Dirk Pitt. I'm inclined to agree, especially after reading this synopsis:
Searching for a treasure on the Nile, Dirk Pitt thwarts the attempted assassination of a beautiful U.N. scientist investigating a disease that's driving thousands of North Africans into madness, cannibalism, & death. The suspected cause of the epidemic is vast, unprecedented pollution that threatens to extinguish all life in the world's seas. Racing to save the world from environmental catastrophe, Pitt and his team, equipped with an extraordinary, state-of-the-art yacht, run a gauntlet between a billionaire industrialist and a bloodthirsty West African tyrant. In the scorching desert, Pitt finds a gold mine manned by slaves and uncovers the truth behind two enduring mysteries -- the fate of a Civil War ironclad and its secret connection with Lincoln's assassination, and the last flight of a long-lost female pilot....Now, amidst the blazing, shifting sands of the Sahara, Dirk Pitt will make a desperate stand -- in a battle the world cannot afford to lose!
Holy shit. That may be the best plot summary I've ever read.
APRIL
Sin City - See also.
The Cave - Cole Hauser gets another shot at opening a movie, leading one to suspect this was shot before the release of Paparazzi.
Unleashed - Sadly, this doesn't appear to be the title of the next Benji film. I also suspect this would've opened much bigger if Jet Li had actually perished in the tsunami.
The Amityville Horror - Ryan Reynolds gets to show his abs again, and audiences everywhere get to ponder once more why anyone would move into a house that was not only the setting for two brutal murders, but was also built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Rebound - Martin Lawrence and Horatio Sanz? My cup runneth over.
Rumor Has It - What if The Graduate's Benjamin Braddock and Mrs. Robinson has a kid? What if that kid grew up to be Jennifer Aniston? What if Rob Reiner choked on his own tongue back in 2002 and we were spared both this and Alex and Emma?
Valiant - You know this "Greatest Generation" shit has gotten out of hand when they make a movie about the heroism of the British messenger pigeon corps. And my dad will be so depressed to find out this isn't actually about Prince Valiant.
The Interpreter - Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time seeing a film set in and around the United Nations and co-starring Sean Penn making boffo box office here in the States.
Crash - I've been saying for years that we need a Canadian to come down here and tell us how racist our justice system is. Now if only Lars Von Trier would make another film...
House of Wax - A remake of a horror classic starring various flavor-of-the-month teen actors (Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray) and a cameo by Paris Hilton? That's good for $175 million.
xXx: State of the Union - Will hopefully tie up those hundreds of loose plot threads left dangling after the first xXx.
MAY
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - I have absolutely no feel for this film. Martin Freeman, Sam Rockwell, and John Malkovich are all reasons to be optimistic, while the somewhat action-oriented teaser and first-time director are not.
Kingdom of Heaven - At this rate, Orlando Bloom won't have to star in a film set in the present day ever again.
Monster-in-Law - Admit it, you've really been wishing Jane Fonda was back in movies, haven't you? Nah, me neither.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith - See also.
The Longest Yard - One hopes this will be the film that puts the final nails in the "acting" careers of Adam Sandler and Chris Rock, and they may have this guy (who plays "Turley," the updated Shokner character) to thank.
Madagascar - I think there needs to be a moratorium on animated films from Dreamworks SKG. Someone needs to pay for Shark Tale, at least.
There's your first six months of Hollywood goodness. Part 2 of this exercise will follow some time before June.
Would Entertainment Weekly lie?
King also denied speculation that Garner's ailment is morning sickness, insisting that Garner is not pregnant by boyfriend Ben Affleck.
I don't know what it is about Affleck that earns him such loathing.
Yes, he's been in many bad movies. So has the rest of Hollywood.
Yes, he's had high-profile relationships with some of Hollywood's most desired starlets. Go team.
Yes, his acting skills are questionable. So are Keanu's, and Keanu is frequently scoffed at, but only rarely *hated*.
Why do people hate Ben Affleck?!
I can't wait for the 2015 film version of 'Son of The Mask', the Broadway musical that will sweep the Tony Awards in 2011. (see also: current filming on cinematic versions of the Broadway musicals 'Hairspray' and 'The Producers')
I tend to agree: Affleck kinda gets a bum rap. I've liked some of his films; not liked others. I'll concede that "oscar winning performace" isn't something you'll likely hear regarding any of his recent work. But the man has been in some entertaining movies. Not everything has to be high art. Sometimes a few cock and fart jokes are all that's needed to make the price of admission worth while.
Besides, I had a new found respect for Affleck after he hosted SNL right after the J-Lo break up. Not only was he funny but he didn't take himself too seriously. And that counts for something in my book.
and I believe he was in the Voyage of the Mimi series....
Affleck and Garner?
Really?
But she's so...
And he's so cheesy.
Please, in the name of all that is cromulent, tell me it's not true.