January 7, 2005
"Adventure has a new name"
Posted by pete at January 7, 2005 12:38 PMAnd he's wearing cargo pants!
Okay, so they're all wearing cargo pants. But still...
I have somehow managed to live my entire life without reading a Clive Cussler novel, so it's not for me to say whether the above poster captures the spirit of the novel Sahara. If it does, well, then I don't feel quite so bad.
Two things the folks at Paramount might want to remember for next time:
1. When your tagline is "Adventure has a new name," the most effective tactic is to put it somewhere preceding the name in question. That way, when people read "Adventure has a new name," they should be saying, "What? What is it? I must know!" Then you drop "Dirk Pitt" on them, and they're all like, "Thank you, Paramount. I will gladly spend $9 to see your moving picture show." Otherwise, when they read "Adventure has a new name," they'll just say, "No shit, Sherlock. It's Dirk Pitt."
2. How hard is it to get the right names under the respective actors? Obviously, no one is going to mistake Penelope Cruz for Steve Zahn (Zahn's nose is smaller, in case you were wondering, though their chests look about equal), but all it does is make us think this film's going to be a sloppy, incomprehensible mess.
And that couldn't possibly be the case, could it?
No, 'cause then it would be called something like "Slade Ripfire and the Lethal Desert Kick-Punch."
Though I'm sure he'd work in some angle about Dirk Pitt getting his ass handed to him by Slade, kung fu style.
>Zahn's nose is smaller, in case you were wondering, though their chests look about equal.
That's funny. And your Life Aquatic review was very on point.
Actually, Pete, the Dirk Pitt novels are fun reads, in a really good B-movie kind o' way.
OT, but, Is NO ONE willing to commiserate with me about the disaster that is allowing keeanu to play John Constantine? Where are my fellow comic geeks? For non-comic-geeks, think of it as Shemp playing McBeth. Tragic, huh?
The Dirk Pitt novels are fun reads, and deliciously cheesy. I gotta say, the poster does capture the spirit of the novel.
Mmmmmm. Cheese.
Does anybody under 300 pounds look bad in cargo pants? Critics! ....of course there is the great GAP kakhis ad.
Regarding Grotesqueticle's plea...I think the problem is that comic fans have long expended their wrath over Keanu's casting. We geeks have been cranky for 2+ years about this...I think you just came in very late. ;)
You people knew about this for 2 years and no assasination plans were laid? For shame. Actually, I am not much of a comic geek anymore. Can't afford it. I just buy the soft-cover collections anymore. Now, what's this rumor I hear about Jessica Alba playing the Thing?
Stop, stop. Geek Avengers, unassemble.
The best way out of the Constantine/Keanu debacle is to pretend that this movie has nothing to do with Hellblazer. It's just a crappy supernatural movie with a main character who happens to be named 'Constantine'. It's just a coincidence.
See? Comics Constantine should be blonde. Keanu = not blonde. This is easy. Comics Constantine chain-smokes and talks with a Cockney accent; Keanu doesn't. Totally different; piece of cake. Comics Constantine has no magical powers other than vague suggestions. Keanu Constantine [twitch] can apparently [wince] pull out the juju. Comics Constantine doesn't drive a souped-up Constantinemobile, whereas...
Whereas...
....OH GOD OH JESUS OH CRAP!!!
I can't wait for the "Hellblazer" tie-in products. I want Happy Meals filled with Constanbean Babies. They'd look adorable riding shotgun in the Constantinemobile.
(I'm only halfway kidding, Grotesqueticle--try to track down the production art for Keanu's car. If vehicles could fuck, it's the twisted progeny of the "Wacky Races" gangbanging monster truck sensation Gravedigger.)
Constantine has been on my dread list for two years now, G. I'm a huge fan of the comic (I have pretty much a complete run, minus 3 or 4 issues), and have written a few times about the film here. To wit:
Where I talk about Keanu as well as Shia LaBeouf as Chas. As an added bonus, there's a link to concept art for the now scrapped Hellblazermobile.
Brief discussion of the casting of Peter Stormare as Satan.
I also referenced the movie in my 2004 movie preview, not that anyone should be worried that the release date was pushed back. Nothing to see here.
And actually, in this entry, Grotesqueticle himself commented briefly on Keanu's casting. Perhaps he rightly blocked the incident from his memory.
I think some of the production stills show Keanu smoking, so...y'know...there's that. I also said as much as HWRNMNBSOL here that the only way to take any enjoyment from Constantine is to completely disassociate it from the comic. And I think I've demonstrated quite handily that I'm utterly incapable of doing that.
A "holy shotgun" shaped like a cruficix? There's your product tie-in.
Consider me duly chastised, considering y'all have been living with this horror for so long.
This one-liner is likely to be the funniest swipe at an Eisner-family creation all weekend. Speaking of Eisner-related disasters, did anyone read that piece on Eisner bringing Ovitz into Disney (and the debacles that followed) in the latest issue of......
| --Posted to Bloodless Coup on Jan 8, 2005 1:04 PM:. |
Who are these people and why are they in a movie....any movie? OK, Penelope Cruz deserves some payback for services rendered to Tom (Dammit, I told you I'm not gay) Cruise. But Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn? Who did they schtupp or pretend to schtupp? Names, people, I want names!
Are you sure that Saraha wasn't written by Eric Blevins?