No offense to the fine people at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo ("Electrifying Bull Testicles for 70 Years!), but this year's concert lineup seems a bit weak.
And by "weak," I mean, "depressingly craptastic."
[This entry has gotten annoyingly long, so click on the More link to read the rest]
Tuesday, March 1 - Brooks & Dunn
Wednesday, March 2 - Alan Jackson
It's as I suspected. No new country acts have been discovered in the last 15 years. Worse, for Brooks, Dunn, and Jackson, the evolution of hairstyles stopped in 1987.
Thursday, March 3 – Armed Forces Salute - Neal McCoy, Charlie Daniels Band, Lee Greenwood
Which version of "Uneasy Rider" do you think Charlie Daniels will play? The one where he gets in a fight with rednecks for having long hair, or the 1988 version where he beats up queers?
I almost want to check this out just so I can see how many otherwise manly men break into little girl sobs as Greenwood rips into another stirring rendition of "God Bless the U.S.A." I can see it now: Old Glory on the Jumbotron, thousands of little plastic Made in China American flags waving in the audience. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something in my eye...
Friday, March 4 – Black Heritage Day - Alicia Keys
I imagine the annual planning for Black Heritage Day goes something like this:
Cowboy Executive #1: "They always make such a big deal out of those Prarie View Trail Riders, I guess we ought to give them a night of their own music."
Cowboy Executive #2: "Fine, what inoffensive Negro performer can we find this year?"
Saturday, March 5 - Gretchen Wilson
Wilson has that sleazy Lisa Marie Presley thing going, which I enthusiastically support. Regarding her music, I think I heard them play some on her 60 Minutes interview, but wouldn't recognize it if I heard it again.
As for her real-or-imagined image as a Skoal dippin', whiskey swiggin' redneck gal, I met a girl several years ago in Atlanta who dipped and drank Jim Beam, and she was pretty hot. Especially when yours truly was drunk at 4 in the morning.
Sunday, March 6 – Spring Break Stampede - Hilary Duff
The only way I'd check this out is if Lindsay Lohan parachuted in, Fan Man style, and the set devolved into a kendo deathmatch a la Lucy Liu and Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
And you know you'd pay to see that, too.
Monday, March 7 – Spring Break Stampede - Jeff Foxworthy, Big & Rich
Congratulations HLSR, I did't think it'd be possible to put together a more unappetizing act than Charlie Daniels and Lee Greenwood, but you managed somehow.
As Jack Sparks is fond of reminding us, "Rich" from "Big & Rich" used to be in the excerable Lonestar. Jeff Foxworthy is allegedly a comedian, though I have yet to see conclusive proof of this.
Tuesday, March 8 – Spring Break Stampede - Keith Urban
Mmmm...Spring Break...
Jonesy: "Hey B-Dog! Wanna go down to the Strand to get some ass or do you wanna go to the Rodeo and see Keith Urban?"
B-Dog: "Who?"
Jonesy: "That country guy who looks like a cross between Owen Wilson and Kato Kaelin."
B-Dog: "Are we out of roofies already?"
Wednesday, March 9 – Spring Break Stampede - Kenny Chesney
I hope he wears that one t-shirt. You know, the one with no sleeves.
Thursday, March 10 – Spring Break Stampede - Rascal Flatts
The only name I can think of for your band that could possible be worse than "Rascal Flatts" is "Unit Shifting Clear Channel Whores." But then, they are kind of synonymous.
Friday, March 11 – Spring Break Stampede - Miller Lite presents Pat Green
I'm actually done hating on Pat Green for now. He was never my taste, to put it mildly, but he carved out a niche and made quite a name for himself down here. It was easy enough to laugh at his good old fratboy shtick back in the day, but his recent homogenization at the hands of his New York label is kinda sad.
Saturday, March 12 – Spring Break Stampede - Martina McBride
Sunday, March 13 – Go Tejano Day - Duelo, Jimmy G y El Grupo Mazz
Got nothin'. I know Martina McBride by name (and that she looks sort of like Katie Couric), and the Go Tejano bands not at all.
Monday, March 14 – Spring Break Stampede - Steve Miller Band
Bachman Turner Overdrive must have been booked at a mall opening somewhere.
The SMB has released ten albums in the last 20 years, 6 of which are either greatest hits compilations or live recordings, and their last original studio release was in 1993. You can find something better to do, even on a Monday night, than line this lazy fucker's pockets some more.
And that's counting CSI: Miami reruns.
Tuesday, March 15 – Spring Break Stampede - Brad Paisley
Jonesy: "Hey B-Dog! Wanna go down to the Strand to dose some high school chicks or do you wanna go to the Rodeo and see Brad Paisley?"
B-Dog: "Who?"
Jonesy: "That country guy who looks like a cross between Jake Gyllenhal and "Vinnie" from Doogie Howser, M.D."
B-Dog: "Which high school?"
Wednesday, March 16 – Spring Break Stampede - Maroon5
I guess the HLSR took my suggestion for an "Emo Night" to heart. Time will tell if they also fill the stadium with VX gas on said night like I recommended.
Thursday, March 17 – Spring Break Stampede - Montgomery Gentry
Friday, March 18 – Spring Break Stampede - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Someone really ought to attend both nights and do a side by side comparison to see which is worse: a Nashville-groomed act at the height of their popularity, or a once-great Southern rock outfit touring on the legacy of former accomplishments.
I'll pay. A copy of Graduation Day (starring Daphne Zuniga!) on DVD or Toby Keith's Greatest Hits. Your choice.
Saturday, March 19 – RODEOHOUSTON™ Finals - Clint Black
He'll be introduced, no doubt, by wife Lisa "Remember Me? I Used to be An Actress" Hartman-Black. Fortunately, Houston's Yellow Pages are pretty thick, so he'll have something to stand on.
Sunday, March 20 – RODEOHOUSTON Collegiate Championship - Clay Walker
Jonesy: "Hey B-Dog, you wanna go down to the Strand to bash homos or do you wanna go to the Rodeo and see Clay Walker?"
B-Dog: ...
Jonesy: "He's the country guy who looks like a cross between Matt Damon and Jan-Michael Vincent...B-Dog? Hey Smitty, I think B-Dog choked on his own vomit."
Smitty: "Get his weed."
Man, they couldn't even get Houston's own Destiny's Child to show up. George Strait either, and I thought he was required by law to play. In any event, unless I can get tickets to the bull riding compeition (or as I call it, the Annual Stomping of a Guy's Testicles By a 2,000-Lb. Behemoth He Had No Business Getting Near in the First Place), I'll probably sit this one out.
UPDATE: Quoth Norbizness, in the Comments:
From what my older friend tells me, he saw James Brown at the Livestock Show sometime in the late 60s, and I don't know whether he's fucking lying to me or not.
He's fucking lying to you.
The Rodeo's entertainment roster history can be found here. No James Brown, but plenty of repeat offenders, including:
Alabama (10 appearances)
Clint Black (12)
Brooks & Dunn (13)
Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Bros. (12)
Crystal Gayle (8)
Vince Gill (10)
Alan Jackson (12)
Reba McEntire (15)
The Oak Ridge Boys (11)
I always assumed George Strait was King of the Rodeo, but at a measly 18 appearances, he's still second to Charley Pride, who's played 20 of them, including a consecutive streak from 1972 to 1989.
Then we have those multiple timers that make so sense. Mac Davis played seven times? Anne Murray played six? Hell, the Osmonds showed up four times, and that's just nutty.
Then there are those that simply defy explanation:
Michael "Cochise" Ansara - 1960
Tony Bennett - 2000
Dan "Hoss" Blocker - 1966
Peabo Bryson - 1995
C&C Music Factory - 1991
David Cassidy - 1972
Shaun Cassidy - 1980
The Cisco Kid and Pancho - 1954
Color Me Badd - 1992
Exposé - 1990
Leif Garrett - 1979
Lorne Greene - 1966
Engelbert Humperdinck - 1973
The Jackson Five - 1973, '74
The Lone Ranger - 1946
Jim Nabors - 1967, '69, '72
Petra - 1987
Styx - 2002
Survivor - 1987
Tony Orlando and Dawn - 1974
David Cassidy and Jim Nabors? 1972 was a hell of a year.
If the Livestock Show and it was seeking to reach the gold standard of craptacularity (the 2004 GOP Convention), it failed, but not miserably... there is at least Brooks and Dunn (Jesus Christ, they look like gay Muppets!) overlap...
BTW, someone ought to look up the old lineups. From what my older friend tells me, he saw James Brown at the Livestock Show sometime in the late 60s, and I don't know whether he's fucking lying to me or not.
Just don't be hatin' on Martina McBride. Who cares what she sings? She's a hottie.
Yeah, I'm shallow. So?
Well, that means that the last time I went was either in 1975 or 1976, because I saw Olivia Newton-John, back before Grease and Xanadu...
No Barbara Mandrell, with or without sisters? No Charlie Rich? Yeah, I know the guy's dead, but that never stopped 'im before. That's it; I'm not goin'!
I saw Robert Earl Keen at the rodeo a few years ago and he told a story about his first rodeo, sneaking in without paying to see the Jackson 5. Apparently his musical taste has evolved since then.
"I knew you wuz hardcore, Michael."
"I wuz flannel when flannel wasn't cool"
"I'm startin' to hate country, but I still like cowboy songs."
--A.S.S.
They should have brought in the Drive By Truckers. Their music may be rock and/or roll, but their lyrics are more "true country" than anything I've heard from the likes of Toby Keith, or his pop-country ilk.
I'm still smarting over black awareness day at the rodeo...
I guess Aaron Neville was booked
I agree with this entire post. Although I would enjoy the SMB if they were at a different venue. It's always fun to see how high I can get off of secondhand pot smoke...