Warning: Parental topics to follow. Those not interested should go off and amuse themselves by making fun of "breeders" and sleeping in until 10 on weekends.
When The Wife and I first found out we were having a baby, one of the ways in which I tried to mentally prepare myself for the ordeal miracle of child rearing was to familiarize myself with as many of the terrifying characters that make up the children's television entertainment pantheon as possible. Like most of us, I knew about most of the heavy hitters like Barney and the Wiggles already. And while I personally find them as annoying (and intellectually challenging) as an Ann Coulter editorial, I am also enough of an alleged adult to realize a big magenta dinosaur and a quartet of Australian closet cases aren't meant for me. Kids like 'em, and if mine ever succumb to their siren call, so be it.
But the Wiggles are pretty well known. Like Rugrats or SpongeBob, even the childless have heard of those guys. Therefore the next level of preparation involved seeking out TV shows and entertainers who would probably slip under the radar of those poor unfortunates lacking children but still awash in free time and disposable income. While researching the second stringers, I came into contact with the likes of Noggin's Moose A. Moose (possibly the most unenthusiastically voiced cartoon characters since Eeyore) and Dora the Explorer, not to mention Rolie Polie Olie. There's also a pantload of anime out there, but hopefully I can avoid having to explain what those tentacles are doing when we accidentally queue up Legend of the Overfiend instead of Legend of Himiko on Netflix for a couple years yet.
So far, so good. She Who Shall Not Be Named doesn't watch much TV, but what she has checked out tends toward the classics like Sesame Street and dad's new Bullwinkle DVDs. Given this, I felt confident that I could handle anything else we came across on the tube.
Unfortunately, nothing could prepare me for the eldritch horror from beyond the veil of night that is...Boohbah. What the hell are Boohbahs? Good question:
The Boohbahs are five colorful atoms of energy. Humbah (yellow), Zumbah (purple), Zing Zing Zingbah (orange), Jumbah (blue), and Jingbah (pink) are powered by the laughter and joy of children they encounter all over the world. The Boohbahs live in a glowing white ball of light, the Boohball, which travels from country to country when called by children. Each Boohbah has a "recharging pod" within the Boohball. The recharging energy is created by the laughter of children when they play with the Boohball, the Boohbahs and the Storypeople.
Now we know the truth: Gorgon wasn't really Melvin Belli, it was the Boohball all along.
Now that I think about it, this reminds me more of that Battlestar Galactica episode with the Ovions. Or, for those of you born after 1980, The Matrix. It seems like only a matter of time before the diabolical Boohbah complete their global network of Energy Extraction Modules, each containing a small child, their eyes propped open while they're forced to watch an endless series of Winnie the Pooh and Dr. Seuss cartoons and poked with robotic fingers in order to keep the laughter coming. All between force feedings of nutrient paste, of course.
The Teletubbies were bad enough; nonsensical multicolored blobs of gibbering protoplam that they were, but there's something far more sinister about this Boohbah phenomenon. I mean, they don't even have mouths...where's the goddamned sound coming from? And what's all this crap about Storypeople?
A group of children bring a present for the Storypeople to the center of the Magic Spiral and blow it into Storyworld through the power of Boohbah magic.
Just as I thought, they're in cahoots. Get my gun.
Heather Armstrong of dooce.com has made her own discoveries about Boohbah.
That being said, I do remember when I was first pointed to the Boohbah web site, and I thought for a moment that someone had put something in my drink. The creator responsible for the Teletubbies also developed Boohbah. Which explains a lot, really.
Dorothy!
Dorothy!
Would you like to dance with me?
Pete, they've already gotten to me. Runwhile you still can.
Man, the Mormons are realllly getting desperate!
"A group of children bring a present for the Storypeople to the center of the Magic Spiral and blow it into Storyworld through the power of Boohbah magic."
This sounds like a coded al-Qaeda message. I'm taking us to Zing Zing Zingbah Alert. Stay indoors, and report all glowing energy entities to your friendly neighborhood GOP Apparatchik.
Boohbah is kiddy crack. Annelisa has about 90 words, of which maybe 3 are recognizable to people who aren't us or Nate. (I think Nate knows a lot more of what she's saying than he tells us.)
Number one is Boohbah.
To be fair, I love the music for it, and the dancers are quite good. And the "look what I can do" segment gets Nate to try some crazy dancing which is hilarious and good for him.
But the Story People need to get shot...
That floating ball thing moving from country to country reminds me of the floating ball in Heavy Metal. Perhaps they are preparing us for the coming of the Elder Gods. And what's with them pulling their heads in and out of their bodies? Can everyone say foreskin? Weird and disturbing.
My daughter is 8 now, and doesn't watch much t.v. at all any more (I take no credit, she just thinks a lot of it is dumb). I suffered through some Barney, fearing the pod children, and held on through JayJay the Jet Plane, the stupid little turd. I would like to recommend Bear in the Big Blue House and Arthur. Excellent shows that don't suck. And I've often watched Arthur while my daughter is at school. Plus Bear has an awesome soundtrack. There is no sweeter song than Otter Love.
We've been able to avoid Boobah so far, but I can't believe you so blithely bypass Dora the Explorer. If I hear that friggin' "I'm the Map" song one more time, serious cartological mayhem will ensue. And the lame attempts to interject Spanish language and (presumably) Mexican culture (?) make the Frito Bandito look like a paragon of multiculturalism.
hang in there, Pete. We've successfully relegated our kids into the Sesame Street or nothing paradigm. Sure its selfish, but I'd go nuts putting up with Boohbah, Barnie and the other crap out there on Noggin. TiVoing Sesame Street and getting a few passable films for the kids (Shrek 1 & 2, Nemo etal) is working for now. Good luck in your quest to marginalie the Boohbah influence.