Sounds like somebody struck a nerve:
American comic Rob Schneider has furiously labeled movie critic Patrick Goldstein "unfunny" and "pompous" for his attack on his contribution to cinema. The former Saturday Night Live star has taken out a full-page advertisement in the Hollywood Reporter attacking Goldstein's article on January 26, in which he blasted movie studios for making lackluster sequels like Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
Goldstein is obviously "unfunny" because he refuses to recognize the subtle comic genius of Schneider's oeuvre, a sampling of which I've listed below (with their respective freshness ratings from Rotten Tomatoes):
Home Alone 2 - 20%
Judge Dredd - 17%
Down Periscope - 11%
Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo - 24%
The Animal - 29%
The Hot Chick - 21%
Around the World in 80 Days - 32%
And that's not including the movies Schneider appeared in thanks solely to his coat-tailing of Adam Sandler.
There are movie critics who specialize in crankitude, to be sure, but ratings like those are hard to ignore. What they say, Rob, is that the reviewing community as a whole tends to feel your contribution to cinema has been sub-par, to put it politely.
But since we all know movie reviewers are bitter assholes and failed actors/writers themselves, and in the interest of keeping things from getting too "pompous," I decided to check the Internet Movie Database user rankings. IMDb users are notoriously forgiving of most crap, so maybe they'd offer a more honest perspective. And I suppose they did: the movies listed above averaged a 5.2 user rating (and I was kind...I left Surf Ninjas out).
What this means, Rob, is that the everyday IMDb user finds your movies to be bigger wastes of celluloid than Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (6.4). How's that for a mandate?
Schneider writes of Goldstein, "Most of the world (has) no idea of your existence. Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for 'Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter'. I can honestly say that if I sat with your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards they'd say, 'You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy' ... whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition."
Which "colleagues" are those? Does Stallone still return your calls? Do you and Kelsey Grammer get together for squash on Thursdays? Frankly, unless you've got Jackie Chan on your buddy list somewhere, I don't think Goldstein has anything to worry about.
As someone who's been on the receving ends of threats from the director of a movie I slagged (this one, if anyone cares), I find it hilarious that Schneider blew good money on a full-page magazine ad to whine about how unfairly he's treated by the critics. You make $1 million plus per contrived and obvious movie...what the hell do you care what Patrick Goldstein says? You want financial success? Keep making the same old formulaic - and yes - unfunny crap. Want critical acclaim? Make better goddamn movies.
You've built a nice little career out of jokes about fat chicks and retards and appearing in your slightly more humorous comrade's films. The life you've been allowed to carve out for yourself by not underestimating the American public's tolerance for lowest common denominator humor is a comfortable one, so don't get all pissy when somebody calls you on it.
Hmmm, I'm not a Schneider fan at all, but I thought the ad was pretty funny.
Didn't Schneider do this about a year ago. I remember a story in the Wall Street Journal or New York Times about the rejection of his application to become a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. The article talked about the highly political nature of getting in and that he was turned down due to the lowbrow nature of his flicks even though they do pretty good box office. It went to quote from Schneiders letter back to the Academy in which he takes potshots similar to those quoted in today's post.
Is anyone taking bets on how many months/years before Rob shows up in either a phone company ad or "Surreal Life?"
Rob Schneider is "The Stapler."
Rob Schneider thinks because a critic hasn't won an award he can't be a critic?
His movie suck dead moose ass, South Park nailed him perfectly with their "Rob Schneider staring as Dur da Dur dum dur" bit a few seasons ago.
He makes crap and gets pissy when somone calls him on it? Reason 35,674 not to see his movies.