February 18, 2005
"Up yours."
Posted by pete at February 18, 2005 11:54 AMAt long last, after months of agonizing over the casting of Keanu Reeves, the shifting of locales from London to Los Angeles, and the bowel-clenching terror brought on at the possibility of a Hellblazermobile, Constantine has finally been released upon an unsuspecting world.
I saw it. And as I say in my first review of the movie on Film Threat, it's not bad. A Reeves-less version would've been better, but all told a decent flick.
Of course, I did say that was my "first" review.
See, I knew going into this I'd have trouble keeping my feelings about the comic book (I've read all 200+ issues) from coloring my opinion of the film. Surely, I thought, there was a way to write a coherent review that incorporated my love of the title and also judged the film on its own merits.
There may be, but if there is, I'm not talented enough to do it.
So I did what any intellectual coward would do: I wrote two reviews. The first, as I mentioned earlier, is on the site. It's written for the person who has absolutely no prior knowledge of the comic. From that perspective, it gets three stars.
The second review (available here), is written for fans of Hellblazer. As an adaptation, Constantine gets one star. And barely that.
And I wish I could've put this image in the review. This one's for you, Warner Brothers:
That's John Constantine, you ingrates, not some vacuous, mumbly pretty boy with a "holy shotgun." Apparently only Superman and Batman warrant faithfulness to the source material. I can hardly wait for the Transmetropolitan movie with Spider as a columnist for Cat Fancy. Or the film version of The Invisibles where they all join together to form a giant gay robot.
Stop dissing Voltron. Accept his robot lifestyle.
There’s a third review: people who haven’t read frame one of any Constantine comic book, but who thinks that Keanu should have been deployed to Titan’s surface in the Hugyens probe. You don’t have to see the movie to generate this review. Zero stars with extreme prejudice.
I’m reserving my personal rage for the casting of Reeves in A Scanner Darkly, which is one of my favorite sf novels. Fucking fucks.
Okay, I waited until I had seen the movie to comment. As if even my drunken ass actually listened to my own opinions. I think Pete is being fairly dead-on in his even-handedness. If you’ve never read the comics, it is enjoyable as a movie. Decent, is the perfect word for the CGI.
On the other hand, etc. Exactly right. And I’ve read the whole run as well.
It’s axiomatic that a comic-based movie does better the more the movie is true to the comic. This one will be a sleeper hit, I reckon, (I have no idea what reeves salary is) in the sense that it will make decent money (it’s production costs + 35%) at the box office and do well in the gravy market.
Still, I’ve spent $8.00 on beer that was a better investment, entertainment wise.
Still have my particular sphincture in a cringe-induced clench about Charlize Theron playing Aeon Flux. Why can’t these cunts leave well enough (read perfectly brilliant and brilliantly perfect) alone? Cunts.
Cat Fancy references are always funny.