But not so much this weekend, which is going to be a banner one for the moviegoing public. Seems the two "biggest" movies opening on Friday (Man of the House and Cursed) are not being screened for the press.
It isn't likely to make much of a difference, of course. Van Helsing, Aliens vs. Predator, and Boogeyman, to name a few, weren't screened in advance either.[1] And all three of them managed just fine at the box office. It's a chickenshit move, but not ineffective, and serves the bottom line.
Nevertheless, in order to combat these continuing egregious acts of studio cowardice, I'm toying with the idea of preemptive reviews. Frankly, if they're not going to give me the opportunity to check out their films, I think I'm entitled to make as many judgements and assumptions about their (lack of) quality as I damn well please.
I'm just getting off the ground with this, but so far I've come up with the following:
MAN OF THE HOUSE - Continuing America's love affair with all things Texas, director Stephen Herek sets his "reimagining" of Adventures in Babysitting in the state's capitol, where Tommy Lee Jones has his hands full taking care of five lesbian college cheerleaders for the University of Texas. The girls' constant experimentation with PCP leads to a series of violent mishaps, culminating in their taking to the field in the school's annual game against Texas A&M, which they win handily. With cameos by Texas Governor Rick Perry as street hustler "Raul 'Dirty' Sanchez" and State Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn as "Madame Oviraptor."
These are just rough drafts, mind you...
CURSED - When was the last time you had to sit through one of Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven's post-modern horror films? Well that's too long. This time around, the duo bleed still more money from the genre's corpse with a story about werewolves, also known as the "white trash" of the monster world. Plagued with production delays and kept on the shelf for a year in order to build up anticipation for pop singer Mya's return to the big screen, Cursed dares to ask the question, "Will anyone go to a movie with Christina Ricci and Shannon Elizabeth in it if they both keep their shirts on?" The answer: "Don't be stupid." Still, this is your last chance for a fright flick until The Ring Two comes out. In 26 days.
So there you have it: any film that doesn't get an advance press showing is getting reviewed by me anyway. And I can pretty much guarantee my recaps will contain more drugs, pornography, and mopery[2] than even sleazy Hollywood executives can dream of.
Not that I'm really that upset about missing Man of the House.
[1] I got to see these because of Thursday night promo screenings, which is the next best thing for nervous studio execs, because newspaper critics have no way of submitting their write-ups before Friday's edition is put to bed, and nobody runs reviews on Saturday or Sunday. Luckily for me, the internets never sleep.
[2] Revenge of the Nerds definition.