A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Rumors of Wayne Dolcefino's involvement in this investigation have been quashed

Welcome to Houston, our local news coverage blows the pants off the competition:

A "3-foot rule" is supposed to keep strippers a certain distance from customers, but not all topless entertainers are following that law, according to a Local 2 investigation Wednesday.

On a recent Saturday night at a local strip club, Local 2's undercover cameras caught a topless dancer sitting in a client's lap while he rubbed his hands up and down her body. She was only wearing a g-string. By law, it should not have happened.

Eight years ago, Houston's City Council fought to pass the ordinance that regulates sexually oriented businesses. So, it's currently illegal for a dancer to touch a customer or his clothing while entertaining or exposing private parts.

In case you missed it, this was a typical sweeps period broadcast for our local networks: neck down shots of gyrating dancers and grainy hidden camera footage of the incident in question. So important was this earthshaking report, it led the news ahead of the story about a guy murdered and left in the middle of Wayside on the southeast side of town.

Local 2 took its undercover video to State Rep. Martha Wong. She was a Houston city council member when the ordinance passed.

"I don't need to see any more," Wong said.

She insisted on the 3-foot rule eight years ago. Now, she is insisting that customers and strippers abide by the law.

"I hope there are members of council who are going to question the police chief on why he's not enforcing the laws that are on the books and insisting that he do so and also letting the mayor know that we are not going to put up with this," Wong said.

Wong said she is ready to take the matter to the state capital, if Houston City Council or law enforcement officers don't take action.

Good to see the spirit of limited government is alive and well in the Republican party. Maybe these same council members could remind Martha "No Thong" Wong (as Chuck calls her) that Houston cops, facing a manpower shortage of some 700 officers in the coming year, have better things to do than making sure Midori With One "R" isn't rubbing her buttocks against Joe Change Management Consultant's crotch.

Happily, the Mayor echoes my feelings. Or does he?

"There's too many strip clubs. There's too much abuses that occur within them," [Mayor White] said. "I'm not for taking police off investigations or responding to calls for service, reducing our response time in order to shut down every strip joint and comply with the law. I think the law should be enforced."

Say what? How's that going to happen? Will every patron of Rick's get the equivalent of one of those doggy shock collars for his genitals? Let Chastity get too close, and you're risking a nasty shock to the yarbles.

Local 2 showed the undercover tape to Lt. Robert Manzo of the Houston Police Department. He said his department investigates complaints, but the people closest to the action rarely call.

"Obviously, you wouldn't expect the customer to call about the dancer violating the 3-foot rule. And that's another reason for us not to get hardly any complaints," Manzo said.

The obvious solution would seem to be hiring, as undercover agents, those most offended by actions taking place in a windowless building far away from the eyes of "the children." Unfortunately, it's not yet known how they'd reconcile their well-known proscriptions against alcohol and smut with paying a $15 cover charge and abiding by the two-drink minimum.