A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

Confession Time - The Spice Girls

At Confession Time, we know what you really really want.

Oh, frabjous day:

You thought you'd never see them again, but you were wrong. Now it is decided that the Spice Girls are to make a comeback. The girls are going to head out on a world tour with all the original members, including Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell.

Scary Spice, Melanie Brown, gave the news to GMTV last night. In addition to the tour, Spice Girls are to release a ‘Best of' album. The tour is also said to ensure the girls a large paycheck.

A "Best Of" album? Do they still sell EPs?

Ah, who am I kidding. I love the Spice Girls. Cheesy dance pop groups manipulated by their own particular Colonel Parkers are a dime a dozen, but the SGs always seemed to be in on the joke, at least. At the risk of causing cerebral implosion, I usually found myself thinking of the Big Boys' "We Got Your Money" whenever I saw their videos.

And then I thought of something else, but this is a family blog.

The Thing That Walks Like a Man and I saw their "film," Spice World, in the theater back when it came out. The oldest patrons by a good 20 years, I think we also made the most noise. And the cast: Roger Moore, Alan Cumming, Hugh Laurie, Bob Hoskins...even Marvin Lee Aday himself. That's like a Cornelius Ryan picture.

I was worried that catching up with the former first ladies of lipsynched Britcrap would be a chore. Ho ho.

Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell) - My favorite, hands-down. I doubt she could sing a lick, but after seeing that brief glimpse of her as Wonder Woman in Spice World, I'd even forgive her if she did a Zevon cover. Maybe. Halliwell looked to have switched places with Sporty on the weight spectrum for a while, which was a drag. Happily, she appears to have regained some of her voluptuosity.

Sporty Spice (Melanie Chisholm) - Of the five, one of two who (I think) could actually sing. She, like the rest of the Girls, has released singles and albums overseas. I couldn't tell you how any of them did, since none of them made it (to my knowledge) to American airwaves. She has been touring lately, which makes her career somewhat more active than that of...

Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) - Nee Adams. Together with husband David, makes up the most famous couple nobody on this side of the Atlantic gives a rat's ass about.

Emma Bunton (Baby Spice) - The lollipop and those frigging pigtails always creeped my ass out. I had hoped she'd end up making a lviing catering to men with diaper fetishes, but she's apparently enjoyed some success with her solo stuff. And, of course, she's probably the former Spice Girl who's shown the most skin next to Geri. They grow up so fast.

Melanie Brown (Scary Spice) - Every group needs the "edgy" one. NKOTB had Donnie "The One Who Can Act" Wahlberg, Backstreet Boys had AJ "Bad 'Boy'" McLean, the Kingston Trio had Bob "Bonzo" Shane, and the Spice Girls had Mel B. She may or may not be less tone deaf than the others, but the Spice Girl Most Likely to be Mistaken for "Downtown" Julie Brown has a new album coming out next month either way. No word on whether she still wears that crazy-ass leopard skin outfit.

I can hear the gnashing of teeth and rending of garments from here. Lighten up. Truth be told, I'm more put off by the idea of another Rolling Stones tour.