A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

The "Batusi" was sexual enough, thanks

Just to get it out of the way, I have seen Batman Begins, and it's almost as good as everyone is saying it is. I liked it better than Burton's first, personally, and it ranks as one of the best movies I've seen all year.

Now then, seeing how the new Batman will probably go a long way towards restoring some needed respectability to Warner Brothers' handling of DC Comics properties, maybe someone at WB should have a little talk with Christian Bale:

Batman Begins star Christian Bale is urging producers to release two versions of the next Batman movie, so that the Caped Crusader's sexuality can be explored. The actor, who has already signed up to star in a second Batman movie, believes it's time for the powers that be to show the comic book superhero's R-rated side, while also releasing a film for younger fans. Bale says, "I do think there is a lot of room for, like, an R-rated Batman. It's a little bit tricky to broach the sex aspect of the story when you want kids to come see this as well. I mean, we still like for a 12-year-old to come see it and enjoy it. I think it would be very interesting, myself, to do maybe one version, which can be both PG-13 and R - two different cuts of it. The (Batman) graphic novel certainly dove into his private life because it's fascinating. He's got to do something sexual at some point. I think it could be an interesting storyline to take somewhere."

I've read Batman and Detective Comics, as well as a number of Elseworlds titles and graphic novels, off and on since I was a little kid. Therefore I feel qualified in saying that Christian Bale is out of his freaking mind.

There may be huge, beer-drilled holes in my memory, but I don't think even Miller's Dark Knight Returns showed Bruce Wayne/Batman getting busy. True, he kissed Selena Kyle, but he's done that plenty of times (most recently in the "Hush" storyline).

Batman's a fighter, not a lover. He's the World's Greatest Psychopath Detective, and when he's not breaking the legs of unlucky criminals, he's training/skulking in the Batcave. Occasional tangetial plotlines (such as marrying the daughter of R'as al Ghul) to deflect suspicion about the whole "youthful ward" thing aside, it isn't like romance has ever played that big a part in the character's history.

[The again, it wouldn't surprise anyone to discover there are fans who'd like to see a fully costumed Caped Crusader "in action," but that doesn't sound like what Bale's talking about.]

Superhero movies are pretty sex free, in general (we're talking the biggies here, not The Specials or Orgazmo). But for argument's sake, let's say Bale convinces David Goyer and Christopher Nolan that there's this sizeable yet silent contingent of Bat-fans who want the character to explore a mature adult relationship in between pounding thugs into mush: Warner Bros. would never go for it. The idea itself is box office poison, and after letting Joel Schumacher swish up the proceedings in the two films before this one, WB will be staying far away from anything salacious.

Besides, Batman doesn't "have to do something sexual" at some point simply because - of all the superheroes I can think of - he's the only one who rarely shows any interest in that particular area. And nobody (that I'm aware of) is clamoring for Emmanuelle in Gotham City, where Batman shows a timid (yet curious) Marcela Walerstein the batcave's secret pleasure chamber.

And if future forays into romance are handled as unconvincingly as they are in Batman Begins, I think I'd stick with the PG-13 version, thanks.