July 9, 2005
"No one - but NO ONE - dies in the palace without a command from the Emperor."
Posted by pete at July 9, 2005 12:30 AMQuoth MikeD, in the comments below:
And don't even get me started about 'Electro-Klytus' Dr. Doom....
I realize you're upset, so I'll forgive your ill-advised comparison of one of the great '80s screen villains with that effete parody of Victor Von Doom.
This is Klytus, head of Internal Security for Planet Mongo and Ming's right-hand man in 1980's super-awesome Flash Gordon (and my avatar on the FT message boards):
This is the newest theatrical version of Dr. Doom:
There are, obviously, similarities. But the Dr. Doom of the latest movie is an evil businessman who just happened to get organic body armor and force lightning to better facilitate his diabolical scheme to...get vengeance on his business partners. Klytus possesses no special abilities, but is second-in-command to the most powerful being in the universe: Ming the Merciless. Klytus offers the whole of planet Earth up for Ming's amusement, and is as deliciously evil as Doom is lame.
Now, the comic book Doom would compare much more favorably to Klytus, being the dictatorial ruler of an entire country (Latveria) and possessing an incredible arsenal of weaponry. The comic book Dr. Doom challenged the Beyonder himself. Granted, he got his ass handed to him (in Secret Wars), but it's the thought that counts.
Let us have no more Klytus bashing, or it's bore worms all around.
Klytus sounds nothing like "Cletus." And he would empty your brain as he might empty your pockets just for thinking it.
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that the new Doom wouldn't have to be told twice in the same movie that it's "Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets."
Bwa-hahahahahah! It's true, movie Doom isn't fit to polish the mask of Klytus (hell, I've seen the trailer haven't I? Aren't those all of the remotely good parts of FF the movie?).
If I could use Doom's very own time machine, I would go back and change my statement to 'electro-wannabe-Klytus' and right this hideous wrong. My only wish is that we could see pansy Doom suffer the undeserved fate of Klytus on the metal spikes of the battle platform in Hawk City...
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that the new Doom wouldn't have to be told twice in the same movie that it's "Flash Gordon. Quarterback. New York Jets."
What cares Klytus for such barbaric games?
If I could use Doom's very own time machine, I would go back and change my statement to 'electro-wannabe-Klytus' and right this hideous wrong.
All is forgiven.
Yeah, I saw you ALL at the beer garden, and now I am with all of your WOMEN!!!
Was that the one with a beard or the one without teeth?
The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
Now everyone can see
My true identity...
I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!
I gotta wonder what the screenwriters were thinking: Doom, Doom: ruler of a Balkan country, megalomaniacal technological genius, bitter, long-standing rivalry with Reed Richards... boring!
Let's make him a good-looking, marginally-successful businessman!
I've always felt that the bore worms were among the most disturbing creatures in film history not to be seen. Anybody who remembers the "rot grub" from that first D&D Monster Manual from the early 80s can tell you how unsettling the image of worms burrowing into flesh is in the first place. Now have that image in your head while Ornella Muti is tied up and Max Von Sydow is watching, munching on space popcorn. Your imagination will do the rest.
Brrrrrr.
So we shouldn't point out, for example, that Klytus sounds a lot like Kleetus, right?