Let's check the Perfectly Cromulent Mailbag:
Dear APCB:
As a lifelong lovelorn geek, I am constantly in search of things that validate my chosen lifestyle without making me feel inferior or exposing me to dangerously normal people.
What genre films come out this fall and winter that I should excitedly be looking forward to? Or, in the alternate, that I should excitedly be looking forward to trashing for how they mistreat their source material, which is, of course, familiar to no more than one-tenth of one percent of the possible theater audience?
Yours,
Nerdboy Agonistes
Dear Nerdboy,
You are right to avoid the unwashed masses who cruelly seek to mock you for your repulsive tastes, but please refrain from expounding on the "lovelorn" nature of your comment.
Here are the movies that will most likely be of interest to you slavering fanboy dogs in the coming months.
The Fog (October 14) - As you know, this is a remake of John Carpenter's 1980 classic. Remakes are like any other unpleasant phenomenon ("Barney," herpes, trepannation): the more of them you're exposed to, the less effect they have. The Fog remake simply greases the wheels for the coming Omen and Last House on the Left "reimaginings." As for this one, I leave you with two facts to make of what you will.
1. "Fergie" of the Black Eyed Peas was originally slated to play Stevie Wayne.
2. The studio is not screening it for the press.
But by all means, get your hopes up.
Doom (October 21) - Early reports that this is a pretty slick Aliens clone are tempered by disturbing rumors about the Uwe Boll-ian use of first person shooter perspective during the film.
Hopefully they cut all those scenes where Sarge scrolls along walls and repeatedly clicks the space bar to find secret doors.
Saw II (October 28) - I suspect this one will lack the visceral impact of the original, but will likely contain just as many plot holes.
Chicken Little (November 4) - Disney was left with two choices when Pixar left: return to their roots with meticulously hand-drawn stories of sweeping grandiosity, or...imitate Pixar. The trailers for this are pretty funny, and the voice talent should be good, but I'm not cnvinced it's going to stand out in a year that's already seen some fine animated releases.
Zathura (November 11) - If, like me, you never saw Jumanji, you probably won't spend the whole movie comparing it to this. Zathura is based on a book by the same author and looks pretty identical, theme-wise (imperiled children in a fantastical and largely adult-free environment). Will serve as a momentary distraction for kids champing at the bit to see...
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (November 18) - I'm of the opinion that the HP movies have gotten progressively better, owing both to darker subject matter, the actors learning how to - well - act, and a change in directors. Sorceror's Stone (and, to a lesser extent, Chamber of Secrets) suffered too much from endless shots of Harry and the gang staring slack-jawed at their surroundings and the plain yogurt style of Chris Columbus. I liked what Alfonso Cuaron did with Prisoner, and am looking forward to some more sinister plotlines and the characters' further maturation.
But not too much maturation, I suppose. As voices deepen and facial hair appears, Warner Brothers must be wondering why they couldn't find the British equivalent of Ralph Macchio to play Harry. And poor Emma Watson. She's probably wishing she could temporarily gain 150 pounds in order to throw some of her more perverted devotees off the scent.
Wolf Creek (November 18) - Saw this at Sundance. Nasty, brutish, and Australian. Gets ridiculous at the end, but before that it goes a few places I wasn't expecting. Worth a look for horror buffs who want to avoid dealing with shrieking pre-adolescents at Goblet of Fire screenings for a few weeks.
Aeon Flux (December 2) - I remember trying to follow this on MTV's Liquid Television and getting increasingly frustrated that they never seemed to run the goddamned thing in order. Creator Peter Chung had interesting ideas about continuity and plot, but I don't believe he and MTV were a very good fit.
Everone who was excited to hear about Charlize Theron's casting was just as rapidly deflated by reports that Aeon's trademark dental floss with buckles costume had been modified so you could no longer see her bikini wax. Expect negative comparisons to The Matrix and Tomb Raider.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (December 9) - Okay, I admit it, I never read the Chronicles of Narnia. The closest I ever came was seeing a play of TLTWATW in elementary school. I certainly don't recall any epic battles in the play, but I was probably too dazzled by Lewis' subtle Christian allegorizing to notice.
King Kong (December 16) - The 9000 lb gorilla (literally) of the holiday movie season hits theaters the week before Christmas. Does anybody really care that much about the casting? Or are we all just waiting to see how WETA is going to have Kong lay waste to NYC? Peter Jackson got paid $20 million to direct this, so he may be sweating a bit.
Other questions abound: will he restore the horrific giant spider sequence excised from the original? Does beauty really kill the beast (or is it actually several hundred .303 rounds from biplane-mounted Lewis guns)? More importantly, will any of the Feebles make an appearance?
Thus endeth this week's "Dear APCB" segment. Feel free to e-mail me any questions at general_buck_vh@yahoo.com and I may or may not provide as lengthy a response as I did here.
"Hopefully they cut all those scenes where Sarge scrolls along walls and repeatedly clicks the space bar to find secret doors."
LOL
Pete, you never read the Chronicles of Narnia? It's a really excellent series, and I recommend it. (and if you decide to read them, read the books in the order they were released, even though they skip around in time--don't shuffle them up to read them in chronological order).
I disagree with FFF. I've read them both ways and appreciate the new shuffling. If I'm not mistaken, the only difference is that "The Magician's Nephew" is placed at the beginning. They're sold (shuffled) as one volume now with a pretty pic of Aslan on the cover. You should read them, Pete, and then read them to SWSNBN when she's old enough to understand. After all, you can't really count on Disney to get anything right.
I have attempted to read Narnia and failed on several occasions. I suspect they have a target age that I am not.
The trailer looks fine, though. What's difficult in a book is routinely palatable in a movie; all of Lewis's viscous prose is washed away in pretty pictures.
Sorry if you've scooped this already, Pete, but Daniel Craig (Layer Cake) is the new James Bond.