Chuck wants to know what we should name the new MLS team we're getting here in Houston. "Earthquakes" won't cut it, for obvious reasons and so we face a naming conundrum. I think I speak for everyone in this great city that - "Texans" notwitstanding - we pride ourselves on the great care and concern we put into such momentous decisions. Not just for our city's self esteem, but also for the viability of the franchise's future merchandising.
As I said in another forum way back when the city was all excited about getting an NFL team, we tend to be a little hemmed in by convention when it comes to these kinds of things. Sure, it'd be easy to pick another bozo generic scary animal name (what do you mean "Raptor is taken? How about "Allosaurus?" Or "Sumatran Rat Monkey?") or tired Texas stereotype, but true vision requires that we step "outside the box," to coin a phrase, and look for something truly unique.
However, current MLS teams seem more enamored of names that are more conceptual - like "Revolution" - or nebulous - like, uh, "Galaxy." These, like soccer itself, are pretty boring, but I feel certain we can come to some sort of agreements on a moniker that distracts most of the viewing public from the sport's soporific effects. At first, I thought of these:
The Hurricanes
The Humidity
Catchy, and either of these would also capitalize on the crowd pleasing tactic of alliteration in association with the home city's name. Unfortunately, neither really captures Houston's unique je ne sais quois. Maybe these would be a little more fitting:
The Fire Ants
The Black Tide
Se Habla Ingles
The Gridlock
Real Swamptown
The Overturned 18-Wheelers
The Potholes
The Flying Roaches
The Groundwater Contaminators
The Morbidly Obese
The sky really is the limit in a city as multifaceted as ours.
Why not just get it over with, and finally name a team after Houston's patron saint?
Everyone would want to see "The McIngvales."
Let's see, what's kind of scary in Houston?
The Shady Day-Care Operators
The Toothless Crack Whores
The Shoddily Constructed Overpasses
The Metro Bus Ridership
The Feral Dogs
Wait, I've got it!
The Minutemen
That'll draw in that Hispanic crowd!
First, I think the OC team will already take the Minutemen - their leader is running for congress in my district, for that we should get the name.
How about the Flood? My memories of soccer as a child are that because of my team's knee-dribbling skills and the fact that we were usually playing in 6 - 12 inches of water, we dominated.
I lived in San ANTonio for a year, and I vote for "The Houston Fire Ants". Small but nasty!
How about The Drunken Pukers?
How about the Houston Don't-Worry-About-Padding-Your-Lead-Because-We-Always-Choke-Down-The-Stretch.
The Houston To-Be-Determineds of MLS have a new, temporary home for next season. [Franchise owner] AEG also announced the team......
| --Posted to Off the Kuff on Dec 17, 2005 6:27 PM:. |
Based on the number of times I've head New Orleansers say Houston Sucks on the train and the bus, I figure that's what they're calling it.
If they're named the Morbidly Obese, can I be their mascot? Hey, I've been called "the fattest man [they] know" by several people, and I hear mascots are paid rather well. What better poster child for the team than a relatively sessile fat computer geek?
how bout the angry evangelists? it may bring in the only group in this city that has a voice in anything that matters.
When the now-known-as-the-Texans had their naming contest, I suggested the Swamp Dragons b/c you never know exactly what lives in the bayous around here.
I'll suggest the same thing I did for the NFL team- The Houston Jalapenos. Alliterative, ethnic, and plus you can have really ugly bright green/red uniforms. Add a mariachi band on the sidelines, and watch the sponsorships roll in!
Change 'jalapenos' to 'habaneros' and I think Josh is only something. Plus, then there can be two pro sports teams called the Habs!
I've always like the Houston Harbingers. That'll make some red necks pick up a dictionary.
Sumatran Rat Monkey would be perfect.
I also like, The Morbidly Obese.