A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

The Blurst of Times - 2005 Edition

I’m getting the jump on the annual best/worst of feature at Film Threat because I figured my paying subscribers ought to get a first shot at what I considered to be the crème de la crap of 2005. Unfortunately, since this year will go down as one of the most critically mauled in movie history, I was unable to limit my choices to a mere ten. Here, in no particular order, are the worst of the year. Enjoy.

Boogeyman – Sudden, loud noises designed to make you jump in your seat without actually scaring you, forgettable twenty-something “actors” (one from Seventh Heaven, the other currently starring in the thematically redundant Bones), and laughable CGI make for some immeasurably bad horror. But don’t let the lousy box office performance dissuade you, studios, keep churning out that PG-13 crap.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman – Say what you will, but at least those guys making the shitty Left Behind movies aren’t trying to disguise their Jesus-happy agenda. Of course, writer Tyler Perry doesn’t just remind us with nauseating frequency about God’s greatness, but also plays the other side of the coin with frequent sex and fart jokes. This schizophrenic “dramedy” is the worst of all possible worlds, and did we mention how really awesome God is?

Miss Congeniality 2 – Not to start unfounded rumors, but I hear the only reason Sandra Bullock married Jesse James is so he could rebuild her career. See, he’s the host of “Monster Garage” and…oh, never mind.

The worst part of this movie, of course, was the criminal underutilization of Shatner.

Kicking and Screaming – A prophetic title, as it describes the only fashion in which anyone should be taken to see this ham-handed and humorless piece of shit. I think this and the ill-advised Bewitched remake demonstrate that not only is the luster coming off of Will Ferrell, it's being peeled away in sheets by huge mechanical pincers.

Dark Water – Here’s a little heads-up to any other directors who are planning to remake a Japanese horror film: American audiences only think water is scary when there’s actually something in it. Ask Spielberg.

Must Love Dogs – No. No we mustn’t. I don’t blame Diane Lane. Mainstream success took its sweet time coming for her (though she won my heart as Ellen Aim in 1984’s Streets of Fire), and she can hardly be blamed for grabbing just about any leading role (and accompanying paycheck) thrust her way, as they come fewer and far between for women on the other side of 40 in Hollywood.

John Cusack, on the other hand, seems more in favor of sleepwalking through these romantic comedy (America’s Sweethearts, Serendipity)/Hollywood “suspense” flicks (Identity, Runaway Jury) than making his usual entertaining left field fare. I joke about a Tapeheads sequel, but I’d be just as happy with a movie not written by John Grisham or featuring a last minute scene where he’s rushing to be with his true love Before It’s Too Late.

The Dukes of Hazzard – The only good thing you can say about this is that it didn’t feature a cameo by Larry the Cable Guy, because that might’ve sent audiences with a cumulative IQ over 75 into a homicidal rampage that ended with the burning down of Cracker Barrels across our once proud nation.

Supercross – I have a great idea for a idea for a sports movie: a plucky young protagonist with oodles of talent and the burning desire to win claws his/her way up from obscurity, beats the odds, and ends up winning the big game and/or race while at the same time falling in love with that previously unobtainable attractive member of the opposite sex. Then, as they’re standing on the victory podium, a blind and uncaring god beyond our ability to comprehend casually drowns them in molten lava. Why? Because when you’ve made a film about supercross, it means sports movies are dead.

The Man – Farting nuns. That about sums it up.

Note: If there's farting nun porn out there, I don't want to know about it.

Chicken Little – When Disney apes DreamWorks by making temporal, trivial children’s entertainment, they become part of the self-fulfilling prophecy: kids don’t go see cartoon movies stuffed with nonsensical pop culture gags, contemporary pop music, and “wacky” characters because they’re stupid, they become stupid from being exposed to this kind of horseshit for years on end. Seriously, do you know how long it took me to get over latter era Hanna Barbera garbage like Jabberjaw and The Skatebirds?

The Ringer – We have met the retards, and they are the Farrelly brothers and everyone involved in making this movie. Please don’t buy the backpedaling the studio is doing to make it look like this is supposed to be some sort of empowerment film. It’s first and foremost a comedy, and there are absolutely no laughs. Katherine Heigl is smoking hot, however.

Aeon Flux – Charlize Theron was apparently worried that her credibility was getting a little too overwhelming after Monster and North Country. I’ve been asked, “Is it really that bad? Really?” Yes. Hey, sometimes the pre-release publicity is right.

Rent – Can we stop the Broadway adaptations for a while? Between this and The Producers, you’ve got the whole of “flyover country” wondering how anyone can be so stupid as to sit through these overblown productions in the first place, much less spend perfectly good crystal meth money on making movies out of them.

Elektra – An incoherent story, atrocious special effects, and acting that ranges from “crap” to “really crap.” The good news? Ben Affleck wasn’t in it.

Alone in the Dark – No “worst of” list would ever be complete without the inestimable Herr Doktor Uwe Boll. He doesn’t disappoint here, giving us not just one of the lousiest movies of 2005, but quite possible one of the worst of all time. Though it’s almost worth renting just to see alleged anthropologist Tara Reid mispronounce “Newfoundland.”