Being single sucks.
I have no immediate first-hand knowledge of this, of course. The Wife and I have been married almost ten years, and have been together more than twelve. I base my opening claim on my own pathetic experience as a bachelor many moons ago and the bar I was in last night.
The place was (and is, unless it was firebombed by angry/horny males) called Deco, and is one of many in Houston that feature poor ambient lighting, cacophonous music, and minimalist furniture. The occasion was my friend Jessica's birthday (I offer her name because she's commented here before). I'm fairly certain a big part of her reasoning behind picking the place was the fact that it was smoke-free, plus it has a fairly diverse clientele. All races, creeds, sexual orientations, and horny eveningware styles were on display.
Then again, it couldn't have hurt that - of the dozen or so people in our group, nine were single females. We got there early (the childless definition, meaning 9:00), but by 10:30 there was quite the sausage party going on. I reckoned the male-to-female ratio to be in the 8:2 range, but either way, the ladies had the advantage. This was a happy coincidence, for if you remember, I referred to the diversity of the patrons. Unfortunately, a Sri Lankan dork is still a dork, meaning a good deal of culling had to be done.
I assisted where I could, occupying the end position on the couch to discourage uninvited gentlemen. I'm not sure if my effectiveness was a result of strategic seating our the generally murderous expression I wear on my face at all times.
One of the more enjoyable parts of the evening was when the only other two males in our ensemble headed next door to BW3 (a local wing joint), leaving me seated with ten good looking women. I got more than my share of stinkeyes from the growing phallic hordes, which was immensely gratifying.
Even though I made an early night of it, I managed to come up with some cogent observations on the state of the singles scene here in Houston. Enjoy.
1. Tuck your shirts in, fellas. Do you not own belts? Last time I checked, a long-sleeved Oxford wasn't meant to flap around your ass. And yes, my shirt was untucked as well, but I'm married. My wife's lucky I have pants on when I leave the house.
2. You ladies really like those low-rider jeans, don't you? Yeah, they don't, uh, really work for everyone.
3. $4.50 is not an adequate price for a bottle of beer unless nudity (partial or full-frontal) is involved.
4. No amount of leather or designer clothing will distract women from your male pattern baldness, or the fact that you're cropping your hair close to hide it.
5. Openly hitting on the waitress does not impress the females in your immediate vicinity.
It's a wonder people get laid at all.
Wow. Look at that table full of ladies. Some of them are hot, and I'm not even all that drunk yet!
Wait a second. Wait a second! there's a guy sitting with them. One guy and nine ladies?
Maybe he's one of their boyfriends. Nah, that's impossible. One boyfriend wouldn't hang out with a bunch of girls, he'd cruise over to BW3. That's what I'd do.
There's only one explanation. He must be a homo. He's a homo out for a night on the town with his fellow girls.
What a problem! On the one hand, he's no competition. On the other hand, he might like me! what if I approach a girl and he starts hitting on me? I could be covered in gay microbes or something!
Screw it. I'm gonna just sit over here and give him the stinkeye. Damn fags.
OH my God! Just read HWRNMBSOL's comments...sorry Pete, that's the last time you get to come out with us. Hard enough to meet a guy, then to have him not come over because he might catch the gay bug? Shit, what's a single girl in the city to do?
Prostitution is sounding better and better...you get laid AND you get paid.
Phallic hordes??? Where?? Where?? I'm 14 years into this monogamous thing but damned how am I supposed to resist an actual phallic horde?
Pete, Pete, Pete - shirttails in?! Have you EVEN been watching what Messers Pitt and Firth and Gyllenhaal have been wearing? They're trying to teach you something about shirttails, if you would only listen!
I think it looks like crap too, but if you had yours out, you were metrosexualizing with the best.
Oh, and I'll add: Pete, thanks once again for introducing me to one of your single female friends. She's sweet and utterly rocks my world. Also, she was drawn by R. Crumb and I like that. Can I leave you good eBay feedback or something?
Wow. Dude. Do not move to New York City. Ever.
No doubt. I got mad when my favorite bar raised the price of a 32-oz. "chugger" from $2.10 to $2.50.
OH my God! Just read HWRNMBSOL's comments...sorry Pete, that's the last time you get to come out with us. Hard enough to meet a guy, then to have him not come over because he might catch the gay bug?
First of all, I haven't had a proper haircut in three months, and I haven't shaved since Thanksgiving. If someone's afraid of catching the "gay bug" from a guy who's about as well groomed as the caddy from Happy Gilmore, they're roughly as sharp as a sack full of wet mice to begin with.
Second, it's easy to land a guy: lower your standards. Worked for The Wife.
Phallic hordes??? Where??
Brazos and West Gray. As previously mentioned, not all of them are very bright.
I think it looks like crap too, but if you had yours out, you were metrosexualizing with the best.
All the sequins probably didn't help.
Can I leave you good eBay feedback or something?
If you die first, you can put in a good word for me with Yog-Sothoth.
Hard enough to meet a guy.... -- Jessica
Second, it's easy to land a guy: lower your standards. -- Pete
"Hey, mama. 'Sup.
I hear you need a man who both lowers your standards AND fails to live up to your expectations.
This is your lucky day, sweet thang, because I happen to know a guy who can make you reach the deepest, darkest, dankest bowels of self-loathing. This brutha can hook you up with some ANGST, yo.
(Say, you don't care about something trivial like being able to look at yourself in the mirror, do you?)"
"....leaving me seated with ten good looking women." That's the average marriage in Utah. Say! You used to live in Utah, right Pete?
Mere "prostitution," Jessica? Hog wash. You're hot enough to at least qualify for "call girl" status.
"Mere "prostitution," Jessica? Hog wash. You're hot enough to at least qualify for "call girl" status."
"This is your lucky day, sweet thang, because I happen to know a guy who can make you reach the deepest, darkest, dankest bowels of self-loathing. This brutha can hook you up with some ANGST, yo."
Wow...all of a sudden I feel so good about myself...I have a whole new outlook! Apparently, men like me - they really, really like me! Sheesh....
Pah. These aren't men.
$4.50 is not an adequate price for a bottle of beer unless nudity (partial or full-frontal) is involved.
Wow. Dude. Do not move to New York City. Ever. (I thought, "$4.50 for a beer? Wow, that's cheap.")