Fortunately, we have a counterpoint to the annual festival of cinematic autofellatio known as Oscar season, and that's The Razzies. Reminding us every year that the studios aren't just running on fumes, they're going downhill in neutral, the Razzies are a breath of fresh scorn, blowing away the constant geyser of hot gases billowing from Hollywood.
And yet, with movies getting worse and worse (and 2005 was one of the foulest of all time), can the Razzies continue to sort out the cream of the crap, or will they be suffocated by the rising tide of remakes and sequels? Time will tell.
You know the drill...
Worst Picture
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask
I'm going to be at a disadvatage right off the bat, because I didn't see Dirty Love, a film that made just about everyone's Worst of 2005 lists. It should come as no surprise there weren't any screenings offered, just as it shouldn't be a shock that I have no intention of watching it. I'll take a few bullets for you people, but this is unpaid, after all.
A lot of the outrage I've seen leveled at Son of the Mask is based on how it ignores the original. Well no shit, people. It also ignores the comic book and the Saturday morning cartoon. Quelle surprise. And even then, I consider it a toss-up with Deuce Bigalow. Dukes was shit, but still not in the same category, and at least Paris Hilton dies in House of Wax.
Worst Director
John Asher / Dirty Love
Uwe Boll / Alone on the Dark
Jay Chandrasekhar / The Dukes of Hazzard
Nora Ephron / Bewitched
Lawrence Guterman / Son of the Mask
Boll. Period. It's cliche at this point, but if Wikipedia needs an illustration for its entry on "willfully clueless ineptitude," they should just grab a pic of Herr Dr. Boll. The man makes Brett Ratner look like D.W. Griffith.
Every other nominee is struggling to emerge from Boll's immense shadow of hackery.
Worst Actor
Tom Cruise / War of the Worlds
Will Ferrell / Bewitched and Kicking & Screaming
Jamie Kennedy / Son of the Mask
The Rock / Doom
Rob Schneider / Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Cruise (and Katie Holmes, as we'll see later on) is still suffering some blowback from The Oprah Incident, but he's not in the same sucktastic league as Kennedy, Schneider, or Farrell. I'm going with Kennedy, simply because I think SotM is going to sweep everything Dirty Love isn't up for.
And at least The Rock played a bad guy. Yeah, that's a spoiler, but if you haven't seen Doom by now, you never will.
Worst Actress
Jessica Alba / Fantastic Four & Into the Blue
Hilary Duff / Cheaper by the Dozen 2 & The Perfect Man
Jennifer Lopez / Monster-in-Law
Jenny McCarthy / Dirty Love
Tara Reid / Alone on the Dark
Duff will likely fly under the radar, and Lopez will probably never sink to the Plutonian depths she delved in Gigli. McCarthy is the favorite, but Alba could pull it off for being so high profile. Then again, Reid's performance is one for the ages. The Dark Ages.
Reid by a cocaine-bleached nose hair.
Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen / Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Alan Cumming / Son of the Mask
Bob Hoskins / Son of the Mask
Eugene Levy / Cheaper by the Dozen 2 & The Man
Burt Reynolds / The Dukes of Hazzard & The Longest Yard
It just occurred to me that Steve Martin got off nearly scot-free for Cheaper by the Dozen 2, which hardly seems fair, considering his presence was one of the main reasons anyone went to see it. If The Pink Panther remake had come out in '05, this would be a lock for Steve.
With Hoskins and Cumming splitting the vote, and Levy and Reynolds seeming greedy with two movies apiece, it's Hayden all the way. Yeeeeessssssss.
Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra / Dirty Love
Paris Hilton / House of Wax
Katie Holmes / Batman Begins
Ashlee Simpson / Undiscovered
Jessica Simpson / The Dukes of Hazzard
I didn't think Holmes was bad in Batman Begins, just that she was hopelessly outclassed by Bale, Freeman, Neeson, Caine, and Oldman. Having only seen two of the other four nominees, and since Hilton at least got oily and snotty before she got offed (and wow, is she ugly), I'll have to go with Simpson.
Worst Screen Couple
Will Ferrell & Nicole Kidman / Bewitched
Jamie Kennedy & ANYBODY Stuck Sharing the Screen with Him / Son of the Mask
Jenny McCarthy & ANYONE Dumb Enough to Befriend or Date Her / Dirty Love
Rob Schneider & His Diapers / Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Jessica Simpson & Her “Daisy Dukes” / The Dukes of Hazzard
Schneider, because the diapers are so fitting.
Worst Screenplay
Bewitched, Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron & Adam McKay
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Rob Schneider, David Garrett & Jason Ward
Dirty Love, Jenny McCarthy
The Dukes of Hazzard, John O'Brien
Son of the Mask, Lance Khazei
Dukes of Hazzard had a screenplay? Holy shit. In cases like this, you have to go with the big names, and Nora Ephron is long overdue for a Razzie.
Worst Remake or Sequel
Bewitched
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
The Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask
Give it to the entire 2005 season and be done with it.
And sorry, The Longest Yard was worse than House of Wax.
Most Tiresome Tabloid Target
(New Category, Saluting the Celebs We're ALL Sick Of!)
Tom Cruise & His Anti-Psychiatry Rant
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Oprah Winfrey’s Couch, The Eiffel Tower & “Tom’s Baby”
Paris Hilton and…Who-EVER!
Mr. & Mrs. Britney, Their Baby & Their Camcorder
The Simpsons: Ashlee, Jessica & Nick
This is idiotic. You're "all sick of" these celebrities so you created a category specifically designed to draw even more attention to them? Poorly played, especially since at least half the people on this list would collapse into a nether dimension, Freddy Kruger style, if we all just ignored them.
I'm sorry you didn't pick Rob Schneider for worst actroid.
Maybe he'd take out a Google Ad saying you weren't qualified to hold a low opinion of him...
I hate to say this but I believe Natalie Portman's epic portrayal of Amadala could be added to b s a. Not entirely her fault, but if Carrie Fisher could add life to the Shakespearean scripts Lucas provides surely Portman could have brought an ounce of believability to that role. Instead we had moaning crying and some excruciating hidden love dialogue that would make Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers wince.
"I'll have to go with Simpson [for Worst Supporting Actress]."
But which one, Pete? Or are you thinking co-champions?