Had an epiphany, of sorts, at last night's screening of The Pink Panther.
The movie itself was as bad as you're probably expecting. I spent a good portion of it with my jaw hanging open, partially due to the train wreck unfolding onscreen, and partially to the shrieks of laughter I heard all around me in the theater, which was probably 90% full.
This is hardly unusual. My inability to fathom the tastes of the American moviegoing public has been well established. I realized long ago I would never understand the mindset of the person who sees fit to drop $10 or more per ticket, $5 a coke ($8.50 for a combo with popcorn), to say nothing of paying for a date or family, on movies for which a second viewing would cause me to seriously consider inserting bamboo shoots under my nails a pleasant alternative.
Then again, it isn't like I'm fooling myself about my impact as a movie critic. Film Threat may reach a couple thousand people a day, but they are - by and large - of like mind with yours truly. Few of them are going to be inclined to check out The Pink Panther (or When A Stranger Calls, or whatever) no matter what I might have to say about it. However, there are reviewers out there - Ebert, Travers, Corliss, A.O. Scott - with much more influence, whose views on certain films might jibe with mine, and people go see them anyway.
Is it because certain movies are "critic proof?" Perhaps. Some people will check out any horror film that comes along, others will go to see anything with Harrison Ford in it, no matter how poor the reviews (I gave Firewall 3 stars, in case you were wondering). But consider: the average opening gross for a #1 film, not counting "off" weekends like Super Bowl Sunday or New Year's, is $10-12 million, regardless of the reviews. This means there's a certain segment of the population that will go see a movie, any movie, no matter what. Figuring an average nationwide ticket cost of $10, and not taking into account kids prices or matinees, that means 1.2-1.5 million people a week are going to see movies heedless of critical censure. And that's a conservative number.
Movies aren't critic proof, people are.
It's understandable, when you think about it. We watch idiotic shit on TV like Two and a Half Men and Wife Swap when we know full well they're rotting our minds like flesh brain-eating bacteria. Is it then that hard to believe that significant numbers of our fellow Americans go to the movies - not because they think what they're about to see is worthy of their hard-earned cash - but out of habit? After a week at a dead-end job, or raising your ungrateful kids, who wouldn't want a little escapism?
It can be tradition for some people. The Wife and I have a favorite restaurant to eat at on Friday nights, for example, and it isn't far-fetached to assume some of hit the theater every week simply because it's what they've always done. Shit, I still watch The Simpsons every week, even though the act is usually about as enjoyable as sitting on a scale model replica of the Sydney Opera House. I've been watching since college, and probably will until Fox puts the show out of its misery.
Anyway, this was what I came up with last night to take my mind off of having a seizure right there in the theater.
And please don't go see The Pink Panther.
Give me my soap-box back.
And please don't go see The Pink Panther.
Not a problem, I'd rather watch maggots mate in my eye sockets.
Oddly enough, I think with DVDs and followed by the advent of superultrahighfast intarweb connections, I think we are going to see a trend toward live theater.
No matter what, the movie industry as we know is going to go through a significant change in the next decade.
Is that your final answer?
Don't worry. I'm pissed as all hell that Steve Martin thought he could play Clouseau.
Ok, I have been guilty of going to see bad movies in my life. I was in high school, I was a geek, I couldn't go out drinking [probably physically possible, but just wasn't going to happen], my friends and I didn't have a whole lot of other choices.
On the other hand, I am much more likely to respond to your reviews, like Pink Panther, than I am to Ebert's, for instance. So, I hereby swear, I will never go see a movie you give a zero to.
Our skull-faced masters are pleased!
Courtesy of CNN...
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/02/12/boxoffice.ap/index.html
Inspector Clouseau bumbled his way to the top of the box office as Steve Martin's "The Pink Panther" debuted with $21.7 million to lead a rush of new releases....
The remake drew a broad audience, with parents and their children accounting for 51 percent of the crowds and viewers evenly divided between those older and younger than 25.
I don't get out to see a lot of movies these days. I was never that much of a cinephile,......
| --Posted to Off the Kuff on Feb 13, 2006 5:46 AM:. |
Don't worry, Thing. It's guaranteed to lose a shitload of money, have been budgeted at $80 million. Bring back Begnini!
Bring back a zombified Peter Sellers! He'd be better than Steve Martin!
Foolish, foolish Pete. Why do you resist?
By following the handy-dandy "John Carpenter's Guide to Life the They Live Way," you could make your life soooooooo much easier. It's how I became the success I am today!
Here's how!
) Read nothing but TV Guide
) Eat nothing but McDonald's
) Shop nowhere but Wal-Mart
) Listen only to Top 40 radio and American Idol
) Never vote
Remember, citizens--only YOU can ensure that art like The Pink Panther becomes a number one box office hit! You already did your part for Big Momma's House 2, so support the Panther--and the Troops, too!