A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"Yarrr, I hate the sea and everything in it."

I have received enough on- and off-line requests for this..."rebuttal" of my Lady in the Water review that I decided to post it. Enjoy.

From: "Ben Simon" [e-mail redacted]
Subject: The sad truth about Lady in the Water

Okay this is my breakdown of this movie. I've heard nothing but bad reviews about it, which is really ironic and exciting actually. This movie is like nothing I've ever seen before. It's groundbreaking, hyper-original and full of messages. It's insane. It's full of bizarre characters, priceless lines, and brilliantly cooky and original ideas. But that's just my praise. Let me explain.
This movie represents so many things. Paul Giamatti's character finds a sea nymph in his pool. She is part of a bedtime story. An evil creature from the story wants to kill her. He has to get all of the tenants in this resort to help him solve this mystery and get her back to her homeland. Simple right? Not exaclty. You see, M. Night breaks down the concept of writing, originallity, finding purpose, and characterization all in two hours. Paul has to find out which characters are supposed to be the key elements in saving this nymph's life. There's so many tenants he must listen to the way the bedtime story goes and figure out what each character's purpose is. Is one supposed to be the nymph's guardian? her healer? or interpreter? He goes through sequence of character searching to discover this, but the point is, that every character in a well written story has a purpose. The movie openly says this. One of the tenants is a movie critic and he mentions the fact that in writing (and in the world) every person has some link to the overall chain of the plot, to reality, to existence. Everyone must be there for some cause, even if it's to hinder the plot. This movie represented the concept of writing and innovation. And the way that it showed you that it wasn't afraid to do something different was through the concepts. The villain was a huge wolf with fur of grass. One character only works out half of his body, so he has one huge arm and one small one. Bizarre enough for you? Or dare I say, daring? The movie critic characters gives one priceless line that apitimizes the entire movie. And here it is:
"There is no originality left in this world. I have learned to accept this sad fact."
That's it. That is the line of the century. That makes the whole movie make sense. And what's brilliant about it is: THIS MOVIE WAAAAS ORIGINAL. This was the first movie in history ever to do something different, ever to break that fourth wall and openly state the fact that people are afraid to go into certain dark waters (pun intended) and try new ideas that nobody else has. M. NIGHT DID EXACTLY THAT. The reason no one likes this movie? They saw it is a movie. This thing is so out-there, so unlike anything you'll ever see you can't even criticize it. It's a message. It's a vessel of new thought, creativity. How can you say it was stupid? You don't even understand the movie. THAT'S WHY. You think "I don't get it." and automaticaly label it a bad movie because you are too retarded and close minded to get the concept of it NOT BEING JUST ANOTHER FREAKIN' LOVE STORY WITH VIOLENCE SEX AND THE TYPICAL DRAMATIC STRUCTURE. How can you not recognize the clear messages that were there? Later this movie critic character confronts this big bad wolf and says. "This is just like one of those scenes from a horror movie." Bingo, he's coming right out and saying that you see scenes like this all the time. THen he says. "This is the part where a less likeable character is confronted with a monster and narrowly escapes death. He returns later with a lesson learned and a humorous moment to make things better. This is the part of the movie where there has been no nudity, no violence or anything to make you believe it isn't a family movie. Now I will turn and run and the monster will narrowly miss me." He turns, and gets mauled and killed. THERE YOU HAVE IT.
M. Night knew nobody would understand this movie. HE KILLED THE MOVIE CRITIC! There's your hint. That's what should make all you people who didn't understand it feeling like effing idiots because he's laughing in your face. If you didn't like it, you're playing right into Shyamalan's hands. EAT IT, you're just like everybody else. But I can take pride in knowing that I saw this movie for what it really was: not a movie at all, but a gateway into a new world of drama. Okay so maybe I'm sensationalizing this a little bit, but do you see what this movie is doing. This movie is pinpointing all the people in the world who lack imaginations. Another one of the lines in the movie is "Sometimes you just want to believe a story is true." This shows that this movie is bringing to life all those goofy ideas you hide in your childhood (coincidentally Paul's character must act like a child in front of an old woman to get the bedtime story out of her, tell me where that's been done before), this movie is showing that if it's in your mind, it can be done. It makes you believe this sort of thing can actually happen. That bedtime stories have a speck of truth that you can apply to everyday life.
I understand that somebody may simply not enjoy watching the film, but they should at least recognize it for what it is. And if you're too blind to see the obivious hints in the movie, then at least take it from me. The movie has action, suspense, plenty of goofy comedy, and tons of entertaining characters. One of the main messages in this movie is how the nymph comes into this resort, this little private world, or planet if you will and changes the people. Paul G.'s character has a stutter in the film (and he does AMAZING with it by the way, and all of his characterization) and around her, it goes away. A writer's mind is cleared around the nymph and he writes a world-changing novel. This is a symbol of an angel, a hero, a change for the better in reality. It shows how everybody has a purpose, and no matter what happens in life, somebody will be there to guide you, but you must welcome her, you must help her (which is the whole thing of protecting her in the film). You have to WANT to be a better person, which I think is a paralell to this movie. You have to accept the movie in order to understand it, and if you do your mind will be opened. Ironically M. Night himself plays this writer character. He has a priceless monologue where he asks "What if people don't understand my writing? What if it angers them?" so basically he's speaking through his own voice saying, most people won't get my work, my messages, but I'm doing it anyway. HAHAHA DEAL WITH THAT!
Not only is all of these ideals and innovations amazing, but the film itself is impeccable. The camera angles are meaningful, the acting is superb (except for a select few tenants) and the production quality is out of this world (out of this world can be used to describe so many things about this movie too). So who cares if it doesn't do well? Classic movies were box-office flops. It's A Wonderful Life, Twelve Angry Men, The Searchers -- all failures at the theatre. Then one day someone saw them again and recognized them for the brilliance that they had hidden inside of them. But who cares if that even happens, I myself can take pride in knowing that I am one of the few people who was imaginative and open-minded enough to allow this movie to make sense, to speak to me. And to me, the message of this movie was, if you are someone like me who isn't afraid of what's never been done, then you can never appreciate life. Paul G's character represented all of you people who can't appreciate life-- that is until the nymph changed his mind. His last line is "Thank you for saving my life." Well thank you M. Night for saving mine. Haha yes that's cheesy but who cares? Forget cheesy! It's all like a bedtime story, all ideas are welcome! All ideas are good an exciting. The movie was supposed to make you laugh. It was supposed to make you go "Wow, I can't believe they did that." It's a beautiful moment in the world of cheesiness. Even so, the movie was not actually that cheesy, but the thrilling parts were intertwined with laughable moments, so it gave you that impression. SOOOOOOOO that concludes my explanation of this film, Lady in the Water. Maybe now some of you will have opened your eyes, but probably not. You'll probably go back to watching predictable films like Titanic, Star Wars, and Pirates. All good films, yes. Excellent films. Original? Not in the slightest.
Thank you for reading this. Now go see Lady in the Water. Support the ideas that people are too cowardly to attempt.
Ben Simon

PS For the record, this was not a review of the movie. It was me slapping the truth in the faces of people who wanted to be critics of their own. But guess what, M. Night killed the film critic, so I guess you're all dead now.

Done yet? It took me three tries. I even made the unwise decision to respond, avoiding the obvious kills shots, such as taking him to task for associating Lady with or The Searchers (or Night of the Living Dead 3, for that matter):

From: "Pete Vonder Haar"
Subject: Re: The sad truth about Lady in the Water
To: "Ben Simon"

> It's insane.

Congrats. That was the one thing in your inexplicably
long rant you got right.

Resulting in:

From: "Ben Simon"
Subject: Re: The sad truth about Lady in the Water

THANKS! :D I knew I'd be able to change your shallow mind. Thanks for reading it.

Followed shortly by:

From: "Ben Simon"
Subject: Oh and one more quick thing

inexplicably long rant.. Hmm inexplicable means unexplainable. It was unexplainable how long my rant was? Let's see: it was long. Exactly such and such paragraphs. That was pretty easy to explain.

I thought film critics were supposed to be articulate and know which words to use...? Heh, I guess that's the scrunt's job to get rid of the ones who don't.

Wow.

Shyamalan fans are like a cult, they leap to his defense in a way I haven't seen since...I don't know...Sofia Coppola (can't wait to see Kirsten Dunst wearing blue Converse high-tops in Marie Antoinette).

Of course, since the box office failure of both The Village and now Lady in the Water, their numbers are more in line with Heaven's Gate than the Church of Latter-Day Saints.