A Perfectly Cromulent Blog

"If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it."

I don't rant too much about movie remakes here. Well...anymore. Mostly because I consider it about as effective as voting Democrat on a Diebold machine. Your favorite movie, unless it happens to be one of the cherished few American classics (Citizen Kane, Raging Bull, Bambi vs. Godzilla ) is probably going to get remade by Frank Darabont at some point in the very near future and there isn't a goddamned thing you can do about it except cry like a little girl on your weblog.

So here I am. First, from an e-mail I received last week:

From filmmaker Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company (“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” [2003], “The Amityville Horror” [2005]) comes a remake of the 1986 terror classic. Dave Meyers is directing the new film, which tracks the terrifying cross-country trajectory of Grace (Sophia Bush) and Jim (Zachary Knighton), two traveling college students who are tormented by the mysterious hitchhiker John Ryder, a.k.a. The Hitcher (Sean Bean).

Color me surprised. Seriously, after Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, I didn't think it was possible to hate Michael Bay any more than I already do. Certainly I'm not the only one looking forward to panoramic slow motions shots and PG-13 style violence from Cecil B. DeMousse's production company.

Remakes only have merit when the original could somehow be improved upon by modern technology or a new perspective. The Hitcher update offers none of these; it apes the plot of the original, and - while I like Sean Bean quite a lot (even in the Sharpe's Rifles series) - he's no Rutger fucking Hauer.

I mean, come on:

"Find a Whataburger or I cut her throat!"

No one will ever mistake the original Hitcher for high art. There are too many plot contrivances, Ryder is almost Voorheesian in his immortality, and the whole thing is too fantastic to take seriously. In spite of all that, it was a great atmospheric thriller featuring a much more complex hero-villain relationship than most films of its ilk.

And Jennifer Jason Leigh plays a pivotal role. You could almost say she's the lynchpin of the film.

For our next exhibit, we have even better news:

OK, the true-blue horror geeks can generally deal with it when you remake something like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because everyone knows that flick, but when it comes to titles like, say, Near Dark -- we tend to get pretty protective. (It's sorta like you and that one band you loved -- years before everyone else loved 'em.) Word out of all the different horror sites (well, the three I trust, anyway) is that not only will there be a new rendition of Kathryn Bigelow & Eric Red's brilliant cult classic Near Dark, but a screenwriter has already been hired for the gig.

The good news is that Matt Venne, the guy who just turned in his screenplay for White Noise 2, seems to have his head screwed on where Near Dark Redux is concerned. As quoted at Fango, Venne says "there are images in the original film and in Eric Red and Kathryn Bigelow’s screenplay that are absolutely beautiful. Completely dreamy and captivating. Pure poetry. It’s an incredible project, and I’m honored to be writing it."

So the good news is, the screenwriter recognizes the special nature of the original film. The bad news is, his vast writing resume includes the fucking White Noise sequel and an episode of Showtime's lousy Masters of Horror series.

Oh, and this is going to be another of Bay's Platinum Dunes productions, in case you weren't aware.

Near Dark, for those who haven't had the pleasure, is a blisteringly cool Southern-fried vampire noir from 1987 that was written by Eric (The Hitcher) Red and directed by Kathryn (Point Break) Bigelow. Although the flick features strong performances from Adrian Pasdar as one unlucky lad and Tim Thomerson as his devoted pop, the three blood-soaked standouts had just gotten done working together in Aliens. As a devilishly evil trio of bloodsuckers, Lance Henriksen, Jenette Goldstein, and Bill Paxton are just perfect together.

That's right: Eric Red is getting the double shaft. Don't feel too badly for him though, from the look of things, Bay's going to be giving audiences the Ted Haggard treatment many times over for years to come.

Henriksen is on record as saying he'd be up for the remake, now rumored to be a prequel, which makes no sense if he's supposed to play a younger version of his characters in a movie that won't come out until over 20 years after the original. Lance was in the When A Stranger Calls remake, however, so his enthusiasm is hardly encouraging.